How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

The Multiple Feelings/ Emotions of Claire Paisley.

So...

After that rollercoaster of a conversation with Chase, I decided this would be a great time to maybe change my clothes. Everything was going all right until I tripped over my bag and almost faceplanted into the corner of the bed.

I'm pretty sure Chase heard the thud I made when I fell to the floor, cause he called out to me. Of course, I replied that I was okay, although I had just managed to roll over and stare straight up at the ceiling. I wasn't really looking around, but I could feel something hard under my left foot. Finally, I sat up and noticed you.

So, advice column, how's it been?

God, it seems like the years have gone by since I've seen you, but I guess that it was pure luck that you fell out of my bag at this exact moment. I know it's really only been a few days.

A lot has happened. Probably a novel worth of drama, and I have no idea how I'm still standing on two feet. Well, I'm obviously not right now, because I'm using the end of the bed at a backrest as I sit on the rough twenty-year-old carpet that has maybe been washed once in its life.

I can't remember the last piece of advice I gave to you.

I don't even know what to tell you now...

Should I just tell you everything? Or maybe I should tell you how I'm feeling, but that's kind of turning you into the diary I didn't want to have in the first place.

I guess, here goes nothing.

The Multiple Feelings/ Emotions of Claire Paisley.

Who am I?

Well, currently I'm freaking out, but at the same time, I'm not. I'm in that state like when you're in a dream, but your brain stops you from acting out the actions. I'm a malfunctioning computer, a bunny that doesn't know how to hop or even a song that's completely out of tune.

None of this answers the question...

Do you want to know who I am? I have no shitting clue who I am!

Maybe an orphan at this point, cause I doubt my mom or my brother would consider me part of the family.

Or maybe I'm a confused person who doesn't understand anything that defines her.

Have I been in love?

I honestly don't know. I thought I had finally felt what it meant to be in love, but it could of been lust and seduction for all I know.

Being an adult has proved to me that I have a lot more question concerning who I love then I have ever dealt with in my entire life.

Girls? Boys? Both?

I don't know if I'm just curious or maybe I'm just now realizing all of this.

But why does this even matter? I'm just trying to survive as myself, not what everyone else has seen me as since the day my parents brought me home from the hospital.

Is this all worth it?

I hope so.

I think by the end of this, the one actual piece of advice I should give you all is to not burn your bridges. I'm just scared it's too late for me.