How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

51.

"What do you mean you want me to go back to school?"

I couldn't believe what they were telling me. It would have been easier just hearing it from my mom, but the fact that Rick was the one to say it just made me angry. To me, it seems like he was the one to put the idea in her head.

I don't know... Are they trying to get rid of me?

"We just think," my mom butts in through my thoughts, "well you've been here for a while and your girlfriend-"

"Tess!" I correct her on the spot.

"Well, Tess went home and you stayed here," she says.

I lied to them the day after she left and told them that she went back to Sudbury earlier than expected because of a family emergency. It didn't stop my constant worrying that they would catch on that we had a fight, well it wasn't just a fight, it's much more complicated than that. I think I'm trying to make it sound less awful than the situation actually is, but in truth, it's absolutely unbearable. I miss Tess so much. I miss her smile, I miss the way she would tease my lips before we would fall asleep at night, and I miss us. Not being together for this long has tortured my mind and my dreams sending me down into an infinite downward spiral that only she can fix.

"I'm not going back to school," I grumble.

"You can't just do nothing," my mom points out.

"I don't want to be an accountant," I say. "Plus it's way too late for me to go back."

"Your mother and I," Rick goes again, "know that. We were thinking that you could enroll in some classes and start back in January."

Rick always sounds like he's trying to be as civil as possible, but deep down I feel that he wants to yell at me just as much as I want to yell at him right now. The only thing stopping him is clearly my mother. I don't even know who's side she would take at this point if that were to occur. I know I'm her daughter, but she might just pick Rick and call me a brooding teenager. I'm purely basing this off of the idea that they're two crazy people in love.

You're in love too you idiot... The other half might just feel differently at this given moment.

"Well, you don't need to go back into accounting if you don't want to," my mom says.

I was glad to hear her say that. I don't believe I would be able to endure those never-ending classes by that professor. One day was enough for me.

"You've been writing a lot," mom continues, "maybe you should look into some classes to help you improve."

I guess she's noticed the stupid advice column too, not that she knows that that's what it is.

Finally, I get the chance to take another bite of my supper, mulling over her suggestion. It's not entirely awful, but we all know where writing got me in the first place.

"I think this would be great for you honey," she tells me.

Putting on my most friendly voice possible, I say, "I'll think it over."

"You don't have to go back to OttawaU either," she presses on. "You could go to Carleton... or that other one that... you know... I think it starts with an A."

"Algonquin," I finish her sentence.

"Yes! That's it."

Those schools are a great place to study, but they're much farther than OttawaU in relation to the distance from my house.

Instantly, if I could, I would prefer to go back to Sudbury and go to school there, with Tess, yet I'm scared to think that it might be too much for her, and for me, but mostly her. I wonder if she would just ignore me all the time and if Chase would do the same. I don't want him to be mad at me too, he's my best friend and for a few minutes, weeks ago, his texts were my only sign that Tess was safe.

"Patty from work," my mom interjects, "her daughter is studying English there."

"Where?" I question to make sure we're on the same page.

"Carleton," she replies.

We clearly weren't thinking of the same place.

"It would be great," she says. "You could start right after the wedding."

"The wedding?" I almost spit out my food. "Flint and Robin are getting married so soon?"

"Did you not know?" she questions.

"No," I state blatantly. "I thought it would be in the summer or something."

"Well, they've decided on a New Year's Eve wedding. It will be so romantic," she reminisces in her mind.

It's just a little over two months away and I don't know how we'll all be able to manage. It'll be a lot of preparation in such little time and I know I'll be dragged down the rabbit hole. I'll have to most likely help make the decorations and party favours. Who knows what else! It's not like I'm not happy for them, cause I am, I just don't want to deal with all of this right now.

This news also makes me think of the fact that I wanted Tess to come with me. I obviously didn't put too much thought into it in such a short amount of time, but I knew for sure that I wanted her by my side... and I still do.

God, she's all you think about! Maybe you should chill-

No!

I love Tess!

No matter what you say, it's not going to change your mind, will it?

...Nope.

You sure it's not just lust?

Of course, it's not just lust!

You never-

"Earth to Claire?" my mother calls, snapping me out of my self contained conversation. "What were you thinking about?"

"Nothing!" I reply without hesitation.

"Thought I lost ya there for a second," she laughs.

So did I...