How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

I Wish You Were Real.

Advice column I think it's time I confess something to you.

I wish you were real. I wish you could actually tell me what to do for once because I need your help.

How do I stop thinking about them? Jack and... well, you know the other one.

First, I should probably get the easy one out of the way. Petal. No Rose! God! I don't even know what to call her. Maybe, stone cold bitch? You know, if I hadn't frozen up and left that night I probably would have given her a piece of my mind, but I didn't. I would now, yet I'm afraid I might take it too far and slap her.

She took my first kiss, and I'm not going to lie, something about the way my lips feel now makes me uncomfortable. Every time I kiss Tess, somewhere in the back of my mind, I think that Rose still owns them. I know she doesn't, but if her fiancé hadn't walked through that door I don't think I would be writing this down right now. My lips would be fine and I wouldn't be so scared of whatever this is, this feeling inside me.

The other side of me wonders where she is, Rose. Did I completely destroyed her life? Apparently, that's something I'm good at doing. And her fiancé, I hope she can forgive her, the little mercy I have wants her to.

Maybe the devil on my shoulder would also thank her for that night, it wasn't all terrible. I needed to forget where I came from and she did that for me. Getting drunk with her might have been the best and worse decision I've ever made.

And speaking of forgetting the past, Jack...

How do I forget about him, when every time I think about him, all I want to do is cry? Did I really fall for him? His brown chestnut hair and the way it hit the light whenever he ruffled his fingers through it, did it push me over the edge? He was dreamy, I can't deny that.

The last time he said my name, I can still remember it. It was so soft and flowing right out of him. When I'm sleeping I hear it over and over again, sometimes I think I can hear it when I'm awake too.

Maybe I should have turned around, but I didn't. And then it begs me to think about what would have happened if I chose the opposite. If I stayed in Ireland, would I have ever come back? Everyone here would just forget about me and I think a part of me would be okay with it.

Jack, I think he would have made me happy, but I know staying there wouldn't have been right.

You know, I've dreamt about him, just once, but I can remember it vividly. It was right before our wedding, for some unknown reason to me, and just like the last time I saw him, we were dancing to one of his records. We were so happy and when I woke up the next morning I was smiling. I shouldn't have been, I was sleeping beside Tess.

God, I need to stop!

No one should ever know about this, advice column! I mean it!

I would burn you, but I just can't.

I'm so sorry...