How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

How to Write a Letter.

Advice column, I didn't think I would ever be writing in you again. You're a piece of shit and give no actual guidance. You have left me in complete turmoil and my girlfriend won't even talk to me anymore, yet here I am cause besides talking to my brother, I have no one else to turn to.

Yeah, I know my mom is around, but I'm afraid that she won't understand and with her boyfriend always around, whose opinion I don't really want to hear right now, I don't think it's the best place for me to vent.

But we're not here to dwell on you being a horrible friend. Rather, I'm going to win Tess back... Or at least try one last time...

Flint said to write her another letter, I've written several so far which will not be seen by the likes of you, mostly because I only had one copy of each and I sent them all to her. I'm also scared that the only response I'll actually get from her is a restraining order asking me to stop sending her letters in the mail, but I guess it's a risk I'm willing to take.

So, let's do this... I guess?

How to write a letter.

Step 1.

Make sure you have a piece of paper, it can be any size, colour, thickness. I literally don't care, just don't make the same mistake of forgetting it on the table beside the house printer, where you stole it from.

I was hungry.

What? You want me to write on an empty stomach?

Honestly, I probably need caffeine more than anything, because it's almost midnight right now and I'm writing under the light of an orange scented candle. I hate oranges... Unfortunately, my mom refused to use up any of her Magical Collection that she bought from some lady online. There's nothing special about them, they just have glitter mixed into the wax. She keeps them locked in the cupboard beside the dining room table.

Anyways! The moral of the story is to not forget a stupid sheet of paper!

Step 2.

Sit down on a chair and pick up a pencil. You might want to make sure you have a desk to write on too. I suggest doing so in a room which you have barricaded yourself in, you don't want any pesky people wandering in.

I think the pest in my house is sleeping right now, so that will hopefully not be a problem.

Step 3.

It's time to write that letter!

You're probably thinking of writing some sappy thing about what you two did when she wasn't mad at you, or maybe you'll write a haiku. You could just send her the one you learnt how to write when you were in second grade.

It's a crap idea, by the way.

Don't do that.

Instead, write her pet goldfish, Potato, a letter. Hopefully, he hasn't died since I was there...

Step 4.

Send it along with a gift. Somehow, you might just trick her into thinking she actually ordered something for her fish.

Step 5?

Wait? I don't know what you want me to say, I don't even know the answer to this one.