How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

16.

I can feel his breath, it's warm and faint. And I'm standing so close to him.

For a moment nothing passes through my mind, it's just blank, waiting for colours to paint it's entirety. But, a split second was all it took for the presence of despair and doubt to arrive.

Jack leans closer to me, but I take a step back.

"I'm sorry, I can't." I say lightly with an air of resentment.

I've always wanted my first kiss to be with someone like him, nice and caring, but I just couldn't. I couldn't lead him on.

He looks at me, but I'm not sure I want to meet his gaze.

"What's wrong?" he asks as lightly as I had spoken to him.

How do you say it? How do you tell him?

"Jack, what about Aileen?" I question back.

He smiles, still not understanding, "What about her?"

"Do you not love her?" I inquire. 

"Do I love her?" he takes a breath, "Why would I be in love with her?"

How does he not know?

Finally, I look him in the eyes, "You don't know? How can you not see it?"

"See what?" he's still confused.

I breakaway farther from him.

"She's clearly in love with you whether you see it or not." I tell him.

He shakes his head, trying to get closer to me, "She's not."

I take a bigger step back. 

"Yes she is!" I get louder.

"But what does that have to do with us?" he questions harder.

"Everything!" I'm practically shouting.

I could sense myself getting angrier by the second, but Jack was being naïve and losing focus. I'm going to have to explain every little thing and I'm still worried he won't understand.

"Jack," I get his attention, "you've known me maybe a couple of days, but you've known her most of your life. You probably know everything about her and nothing about me. The connection you have with her is way greater than the one we could ever have. I'm just a stranger."

"Don't say that Claire," he says, "I know-"

I stop him in his tracks, "You know almost nothing about me, despite what you might think."

Still, no matter what I was trying to tell him, he wouldn't listen.

"You might be ready to drop everything for me," I go on, "but I'm not ready to take you away from her."

My cheeks felt warm and red, and my eyes I could sense them trying to hold my tears back.

I couldn't do this anymore... I couldn't destroy his life more than I already had. 

The only thing I could do at this point is leave.

I walk towards the couch where my bag laid and picked up the few items I had pulled out. I didn't really care how neatly I put them in, I was only trying to get out of there as fast as I could.

I whip my bag around my arm until it hits and sits on my back.

All this time, Jack hadn't done anything and I wondered if he ever would. If he would just let me leave without saying anything. And in all honesty, I hoped he would.

I make my way towards his front door and I go to turn the knob. 

"Claire..." I finally hear him say.

I turn around one last time to look at him, "Don't come after me."

And just like that, I left, leaving behind the final sparks of the record on the turntable, and leaving Jack.

It's cold and dark and I'm pretty sure it's the second longest night of my entire life.

I have no real plan at the moment and I'm simply taking it one foot at a time down this old road. I imagine that eventually it would lead me somewhere, hopefully back into town and I'm prepared for however long it might take.

Jack never did come after me. Just like I wanted. 

Exactly like you wanted, Claire.

"Exactly like I wanted," I tell myself.

For a moment I stop and stand still. I can feel the crisp cutting air of the night fill my lungs. And as I let it out, I can see the littlest glimpse of my freezing breath under the light of the moon. 

It made me feel completely alone. Almost as if I was the last person alive.

And that damn ice cream I would never get to try. It was the reason that I decided to come here in the first place. Of course, there's no way I could even get it at this hour, plus I still had no idea where the shop was.

I guess it's going to have to be a journey for my next visit if I ever do decide to come back. 

I knew that I would be standing in front of this building again, but I never thought it would be so soon.

The airport almost looked abandoned, but the lights were all still on. And I'm sure there must at least be someone somewhere inside, even at this ungodly hour.

Past the doors, the heat filled and surrounded my body. For a few seconds, I could feel the hairs on my arms stand up straight as I adjusted to the temperature. 

I take a few steps in and look around trying to find literally anyone.

I noticed that the floors had just been cleaned, particularly because I could see my own reflection through it.

My hair was a mess from the wind that I encountered on my way over here.

And finally, from the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing behind a desk at the other end of the room.

I make my way over and I stand in front of the big blocky desk.

"How may I help you?" the man says in the thickest Irish accent I had heard since arriving.

"I'm looking to book a plane ticket," I reply.

"Great," he smiles, "to where?"

Yes... To where?