How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

38.

"Come on!" Tess shouts out to me.

My cheeks got all warm and I'm sure I looked incredibly embarrassed, but everyone kept cheering for me to get up there. So, in the end, I had no choice but to indulge all the patrons of the café.

I finally give in and grab hold of her hand. She instantly spins me around on my feet before making me face her with her right hand around my waist and my right hand over the top of her left. She grins and we sway to the changing songs.

"I don't know how to really dance," I tell her.

She rolls her eyes, "What do you mean? You're a natural."

We move a little faster now and she pivots us in circles around the wooden dancefloor in front of the stage and slowly, one by one, more people start to join us.

My sense of time must have been quite off, mostly because if this was still morning, I wondered how all these people could be so energetic. I didn't think I was that awake until I stood up from my seat just a few minutes ago.

Now here I am doing the most exercise I've probably done in my entire life, but I'm having fun and I'm with friends and strangers, and it just felt like a dream. A dream that I hoped could be a reality one day.

No one here was stressed or scared and they seemed to be in a world where the only thing that exists is happiness. There's just no way that this could be all real. Someone here must be a complete mess! Maybe it's me? It's the only thing that actually would make a lot of sense.

Tess let's go of me and dances her way through the crowd. I'm left all alone dancing step by step, but my confidence seems to have disappeared into the void of reality where you're always being watched. And, I wished so hard that I could be like her, floating around with no care for the world and it's prying eyes. She's beautiful and amazing, and I feel like I keep saying that, but it's true. I've known her for so little, yet I want to be her, or really, I want to be with her.

Out of nowhere, two arms wrap themselves around me from behind, while I was still lost in the abyss of my own mind.

"I found you." I hear the soft voice say.

I knew it was her without a doubt, so I hold on to her tighter.

"I don't want to lose you," I whisper under my breath.

"Sorry?" she asks, coming around to hear my comment.

We stand face to face and I quickly try to cover my words, "I'm so lost out here without you. I know no one and I probably look like an idiot."

"The only idiot out here," she goes on, taking my hands in hers, "is the person who decides to cross paths with you, because they have no idea what would be coming for them."

"What would be coming?" I ask her.

She smiles, "Me."

I was hesitant to question, but I did, "You?"

"Yeah! Me," she says as she rocks our hands back and forth. "I'm the bowling ball that's going to knock them all down. Stupid pins, won't see me coming."

I laugh at her words, "That's a great metaphor... euphemism? Both?"

"Well, whatever it was, I mean it," she replies.

She means it?! Really? We barely know each other.

At that moment, it kind of just hit me. I was scared. I couldn't let things repeat themselves.

My heart starts racing at a million beats per minutes and I feel like I'm covered in flames.

You are the idiot! Remember what happened last time you felt this way?!

The last time... with Jack...

We were dancing and I felt exactly like this. Happy and warm and everything seemed to fall in to place, but I can't do this again. I shouldn't be here. I should never have come.

We're back at Chase's apartment by four in the afternoon, but as the time passes all I can think about is what happened with Jack and what was happening now. I couldn't do this again. I had to leave, probably in the middle of the night. My mind, or rather my heart, didn't like goodbyes and I don't think I could face my friends.

So after they had both gone to sleep and I just laid there on their couch, I mustered all my fear and gave in to it. I snuck my bag quietly out of Chase's room and made sure I had everything I had brought with me. Then, I jotted down a short note on a piece of paper and put it on the kitchen table. I felt horrible for doing this, but I had to.

I tiptoe across the floor to the front door and I place my hand on the knob. I inhale and hold my breath as I slowly turn it counterclockwise trying to make as little noise as possible. It clicks almost a little too loud, but I was sure that I would be okay... Of course, I wasn't.

"You're leaving?" I hear Tess say from her doorframe.

Her voice was sleepy, but she seemed to be somewhat sad.

"I..." I try to get out, but the words just don't come to me.

She walks towards me and places her hand on my cheek, "Don't."

It came over me like a hurricane, I just couldn't stop myself.

So... I kiss her! I put my lips against hers and I hold her close to me. We fall into it like it was a long lost memory from another life, and for a moment my life was completely hers'. She was the one, the only one. No one else mattered anymore and no one ever would, it was always ever going to be her.

Ultimately, we eventually let go of each other and we stand there totally silent.

"Please stay." Tess finally speaks up.

Again, the words were at a loss for me, "I..."

"I want you to stay."