Letting Go

chapter 32

One month later

I wake up in the early morning hours due to the painful groan I hear from Hayden. I take my phone from the night stand to see that it's four in the morning, the city lights and the moon coming in through the window make it easy for me see Hayden. His eyebrows are pinched, and he is frowning, how can a person frown while sleeping.

I hear him mumbling something in his sleep, when I look closely I see tears leaking from his eyes. He is sweating so much one would think it's hot in his room, he is fisting the sheets that veins are popping around his arms and hands. He is definitely having a nightmare.

I'm not sure if I should let him wake up by himself or just wake him up. While I'm still trying to figure out what to do I hear Hayden clearly this time. "Not dad, no-not dad" he  keeps chanting like a mantra.

I don't know what he is dreaming about but it's clear it's about his dad. Hayden's dad passed away the beginning of his senior year.
I don't know what happened, but after losing his father he became a totally different person, I didn't know him well but since he was a popular guy at school, most students would talk about him in the hallways.

Gone was the friendly guy that everyone knew and loved, he became closed off, he skipped classes, and some said he quit playing all sports he participated in at school he was just different guy from the one we knew.
His marks dropped, he started sleeping with anything that had a pulse and some student said at one point beat up his a guy in the cafeteria for making at joke about his dad. Hayden was suspended from school for few days to go clean up his act, in as much as the school sympathized with him he was getting out of control.

I was skeptical to wake him up, but I can't stand to watch him suffer this way 'Baby, wake up'  I say softly shaking him so I don't startle him. 'Hade, wake up baby, it's just a nightmare' I try one more time before he wakes up looking so fragile. I don't know what to say so I caress his arm to try to comfort him. I feel his body go tense when he feels my touch. 'It was just a nightmare, are you okay?' I ask him letting him go slowly and think about how that's the stupidest question to ask someone.

"Yeah, I'm fine just a nightmare" he says with a hoarse voice then gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom, locking the door in the process. After a minute or so he gets out of the bathroom.

'Do you want to talk about it?'

"No, it's nothing" he says opening his closet and rummaging through it.

'It's not nothing, you were calling your dad in your sleep" he stops, his back so tense.

"It's too early to talk about this, go back to bed Victoria" he says putting on track pants and his gown opens the bedroom door.

'Where are you going at  this hour?'

"I will be in the study to get some work done" I haven't see this side of Hayden, he is distant and dismissive.

...........................

I couldn't sleep after Hayden went out of the bedroom, I wanted to follow him to the study but thought better of it, maybe all he needs is some space. I get out of bed to go take a shower, I think of ways to approach Hayden. I lose track of time while in the shower, but the way my hands are so pruned means I have been in here longer than I thought.

I put my hair in a ponytail and brush my teeth, when I'm done I take out my grey sweatpants and Hayden's blue sweater. It's so big on me, I can wear it as dress, I inhale Hayden's scent and wish I could smell him all the time. How can I miss someone who is only a few doors from me?

Hayden must be hungry, it's after 9AM and he usually has his breakfast at this time or earlier, I wonder if he is feeling better. Well seems like someone beat me to preparing breakfast, I smell food as I go down the stairs.

He seems to be in a better mood than this morning "why did you wake up? I was about to bring you breakfast upstairs just now" he says with a smile on his face making me frown and wonder what changed in the last five hours. Well I guess a person's mood doesn't take long to change.

'I didn't know you are done with work' I walk to the kettle to boil hot water.

"Yeah, I finished a while ago, have a seat and I will bring you your breakfast" he approaches me and kisses my cheek. Why does he smell so good even before bathing.

I take a glass of water and fill it with warm water before squeezing sliced lemon in the water. I take a sip on my water and sit at the kitchen counter, lemon water is good for me especially when I am stressed. 'What did you make?'

"I made eggs, toast, crispy bacon just like you like it  served with coffee and tea for you, do you want anything else?"

'No that's okay'

"I'm sorry about earlier"

'It's fine, let's eat" I didn't get a goodnight rest and each time I don't get a good night's sleep I wake up moody. We eat in silence, with Hayden stealing glances at me when I'm not looking.

"Is the food okay?"

'Yeah, the food is fine.'

"Love, what's going on, why are you giving me the silent treatment?"

'No one is giving you the silent treatment Hayden, I'm just eating'

"We never eat in silence my love, and I believe I know you enough to see when you don't want to talk to me and right now you are doing exactly that" he says lifting my chin so that I meet his gaze.

'What do you want me to say?'

"Anything that is on your mind" he says kissing me softly. Hayden knows that I can't resist his kisses, he uses his kisses to get everything he wants.

'I wish you would talk to me, I feel like you don't trust me and what hurts most is how dismissive you were earlier' I say kissing him back. Hayden takes a step back, puts his plate in the sink and once again avoids me

"Like you trust me?" He mocks me, laughing slowly.

'I do trust you Hayden'

"You are lying, you don't. I can feel it, you can't even give yourself fully to me, you are always holding back and don't share anything with me. All these time we have been together you have been keeping me at arm's length. So don't you dare tell me about trust Victoria. he shouts moving away from me.

I hate to say this, but he is right and I'm a hypocrite. I have never told him about any of my nightmares or family, about how I want to fully give myself to him, but have to fight with my mind each time. He doesn't know that I hate that how he makes me feel because I wonder if Lily felt the same as I do.

'You are right. You and I are the same we are hypocrites and I think we should stop fooling ourselves and end whatever this is' I say before running upstairs with teary eyes.

As soon as I get back downstairs I look for my phone then go to the front door. I look back at Hayden before opening the door. He looks conflicted, like he wants to stop me, but he stops himself. Part of me is hoping that he will stop me and tell me not to go and the other part wants him to let me go. That part that wants him to stop me only gets disappointed when he doesn't.

Sam was right, I always run away. I run away when the going gets hard and what hurts more is that I run even from my deepest feelings and thoughts.

Please vote, comment and follow.

I guess the honeymoon phase is finally over between these two love birds. First big fights between couples are always the hardest especially, it means you are learning your partner's imperfections, you see their flaws and ask yourself if you can love even their ugly parts that they hide.

Let's see how these two will move forward in the next chapter.

Kikipee 💙