window; jschlatt

clementine

death and intrusive thoughts
-
"hello," the man with the dark hair enters my room, and niki and tubbo file out.

"i don't want to talk to you," i mumble back, kicking my heels off, shooing blythe out. the door shuts, and locks anyone else out unless they have a key. a stench of alcohol enters the room with him.

"listen clem, im sorry," his voice is soft and sincere, and he joins me on the bed.

"it's not your fault," i hesitate.

"yes it is," he insists again, putting his hand on my thigh.

"yes, actually, it was your fault, you fucking fought the only person who was helping me," i grab his hand and drop it off my thigh. schlatt looks over with me. his breath, which normally was minty, stunk of alcohol and bad decisions. i stand up, grabbing my purse, and head out to the balcony.

"clementine look at me," schlatt grabs my wrist but i turn around, dropping my cigarette. i step on it to but it out with my foot.

holy. fucking. shit. jesus fucking christ. i immediately grab my foot and lose balance, falling into schlatt. on accident. i promise. i'm just so used to being able to put the cig out with my foot.

"shit ow," i push myself out of schlatts grip and fall on the bed. he tries talking to me, but i just let my burn simmer. it was a small part of my foot. and it's stopped hurting. i'm fine.

"clementine, listen to me," he finally says, and i stand up. limping a bit, and grab the loose collar of his t-shirt.

"stop it. go to your fucking room, drink some coffee, and sleep it off. you better fucking hope you drink so much you either die, or don't remember what the fuck happened tonight because i swear to god if you come to me with this 'clementine! please i love you' bullshit i will fucking leave. leave you, leave orlando, leave florida, leave fucking america. i don't care, anything to get away from you. you need to cut this fucking bullshit," i open the door after my rant, and push schlatt out. he could easily over power me, but i still push him, slamming the door on him.

i grab cigarettes and my lighter. and my phone.

i hear the drunken cries of schlatt from outside the door, but i walk into the bathroom, numb.

the door opens. i disregard it. i turn on the bath and start to take off my dress.

wilbur comes into the room. i leave my bra on. i slip into the tub.

wilbur touches my shoulder lightly, but i don't respond. i look forward. he touches the water and turns it down. he leaves. the door shuts lightly. i shudder, rubbing the water down my shoulder where he touched.

i throw my head back. sinking into the water, i let myself fall under.

it burns. but i can't really feel it. the hum of the water is the only thing i can hear.

my lungs now sting, the lost presence of air burning my body. my blood boils.

i come up, sucking in the sweet, cooling air. it feels like ice cream on a sunny summer day.

my hands shake so intensely, i reach for a cigarette, but i can barely keep it in my hands.

i grab my lighter and try to light it. it sparks and flicks, but never catches.

it never seems to catch, does it.

i grab the better way, grabbing the matchbook out. even with my shakes hands it lights. it burns my fingers.

wilburs name is on it. i must've stolen it from him. i flip it around as i light my cigarette, putting it in my mouth. the smoke fills my lungs, along with the nicotine joining my blood stream. the matches are from a bar in las vegas and the old owner was alex. i open my purse and dig around in my purse. i find an old glass bottle.

schlatts cologne. i inhale the smoke again, choking on it, and feeling it claw at my lungs.

this is your fault clementine. the voice in my head nags.

just die clementine. it'll be easier than ruining a friendship.

eddie should've killed you instead clementine. you should be dead.

you are worth nothing. everything was perfect before you clementine.

go underwater clementine. the voice screams in head. i take my cigarette out, setting it on the side of the tub.

i follow the voice as it coerces me under water.

i close my eyes.

you deserve everything clementine. stay underwater. the voice is quieter.

good job clementine. the voice praises me. i smile closing my eyes loosely.

my lungs burn, i try to reason with the voice, it doesn't care.

stay underwater clementine, the voice screams as i try to get up.

i obey.

my body hurts. everything hurts, my lungs hurt my arms hurt my eyes hurt my lungs hurt my brain hurts everything hurts why does everything hurt i'm in so much pain please stop the pain please god someone up above please help me i will take anything please help m

CLEMENTINE. it's not the voice anymore.

—
oui oui very sad