Imperfect

The Storm

"That's rich coming from you." His reply was swift and cutting. "Why did you come back and sleep with me? Do you know how much that screwed me up?" The question caught me off guard. Finley had a point though. He had tried to look after me during that panic attack, and then I had done that, and ghosted him for a year and a half. I furrowed my brows. At myself this time. I looked at Finley about to apologise. I had never seen him look at me with such contempt.

I needed to deescalste the situation. I took some deep breaths, remembering my counselling from months before. I calmed my temper and looked at Finley.

"Yes I do Fin. It's one of my biggest regrets. Why do you think I disappeared. That day ruined me too. I was selfish and I've had a heavy guilt on my shoulders ever since. It took me months to get back on an even footing. Hate me all you want Fin. But whilst you can stand there and say you don't want me back and you don't love me anymore," my voice cracked. "I can't say the same thing. I wouldn't be here now if I didn't still love you and I fucking hate it. I never stopped loving you, and no matter how many times you hurt me, I can't stop." I turned on my heels and stormed out of the room. I power walked upstairs and slammed the door to the guest room I was staying in, as hard as I could. I threw myself dramatically onto the bed and buried my face in the bed sheets. Being here was killing me all over again. On his good days, Finley and I felt like good friends. On his worst days, like today, he was the worst person to be around. I usually kept my mouth shut when he was like this but I couldn't today. I toyed with the ring on my finger that he had given me. I took it off and threw it across the room. I was seriously questioning why I was putting myself through this again. I laid on my bed and hugged a pillow to my chest. The room was silent. I looked out the window and could see two birds circling in the sky. They were dipping and diving and then they disappeared. I envied how little they had to worry about. My life had become the stuff of nightmares. I felt like someone was writing a Greek tragedy and I was their sick little puppet. I stared at the sky and watched the clouds rolling by. It looked like it was going to rain and I hoped it did. I always found watching storms peaceful.

Finley's POV

I watched her walk away. How could she make this all about her? I was the one who was ill. I never asked her to sleep with me. It had almost sent me back down the slippery slope I had recovered from and the only thing that had stopped me was caring for Mr Boots. I huffed and carefully made my way back to the lounge. I flopped down on the couch. Pain shot through my aching muscles at the quick movement and I winced. No one understood what I was going through. I sat quietly with my head in my hands. My feelings were coming to the surface and I didn't want them to. I wanted to be angry at Claire. I wanted to tell her I never wanted to see her again. But I couldn't. The feelings had all come back. Her words rang in my ears like a bad theme tune 'I never stopped loving you, and no matter how many times you hurt me I can't stop.' Being around her for the past few weeks had reminded me what I had been missing. She was selfless. She would love me no matter what I did. Even if she had left, she came back. She always came back. She kept trying and I kept hurting her. I sighed heavily. I knew I had pushed everyone away. I felt guilty for being so hard on Claire. I knew she still had feelings, but I had been so wrapped up in my own life I hadn't been considerate.

After a few hours I had calmed down. Claire still hadn't come out of her room, and I realised how much I had hurt her. I felt so stupid, but I couldn't just forgive and forget. It had taken me a long time to build myself back up after she left. Trust was not top of my agenda these days, but I knew I had to trust Claire. I had no choice. I slowly got up. I guessed I had to go and apologise. It was the only way to make this better.

My train of thought was interrupted by a knock at my door.

"Come in." I said. I didn't move. I was hoping it would be someone coming to take over from me. The door creeped open and someone walked in. I could tell from the metal on metal scraping sound as the person walked that it was Fin. I felt his weight on the bed and heard him throw the crutches. They clattered to the ground noisily.