His Intense Love

54

Jen

With the wall of silence now broken between us, I began to tell him what had been buried for so long. It feels good, talking and sharing, God, when was the last time, I actually had a conversation and irony of my fate, it happened to be Rick with whom I am having an actual conversation. Rick, his name, my heart flutters with each syllable. Watching him lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, lost in himself, kind of soothed me. I am searching for something over his expression, sitting close to him. I could feel something was bothering him.

"Rick" I spell his name out with a heavy breath.

"Hmm" he answered without looking at me, it bothered me.

"Do you regret this?" out of the blue, I asked randomly and it got his attention. He stares at me perplexed.

"What do you mean?".

"This trip, I mean..." I chewed my words, how to say it. "The contract, I have been horrible company"

To my surprise, he smiles at my words. He turned to my side, raising himself upon his elbow, he fixed his gaze on me.

"Maybe you are right" Ohh, he feels the same, I must admit that his words disappoint me, what exactly I was hoping for by asking that?

He glances at me, holding his gaze for a few seconds before he says in his deep low voice, it is difficult to understand but I heard him very clearly.

"But what if that's all I want" There fell a strained silence, which we made no effort to break. But our eyes locked to each other and my heart does a weird thud, maybe it's pretending to be dead just like I am. It only does stupid things around Rick, yeah, it's always Rick who has that effect on me. And his words made me think what if I want that too..

I wonder if he knows what I am thinking by just looking at me. I think he does because the corner of his mouth slips down as my lips part.

"Don't think too much, just breath" Rick said in his calming tone but I could see hurt in his eyes on my silence. It is very hard to open my heart and let him in. Though, he already marked my heart yet afraid to give that power to him again.

"The rose garden, it's you, isn't it?" I knew it the moment I saw my mother's name engraved on that stone, however, I refused to admit it and let me believe it is Daniel. As quickly as his face showed surprise, it returned to the cocky grin he always plasters.

"What garden?" Now it's my time to smile at him, his eyes hold mine as I lean towards him, and suddenly I have to fight the urge to lean in and kiss him. By looking at him, I know he is thinking that too, his eyes fix on my lips as I press them together, summoning the guts to say what I am about to "What's your real plan Rick?" my heart beats faster as I continued.

"Tell me, honestly" I almost forgot to breathe when Rick leaned closer, closer until his lips were inches away from mine and I could hear my heart beating loud in my ears. he shifts until his mouth brushes my ear.

"Can you handle my honesty, Jen? If I tell you what I want, at this moment, won't you get scared?" It takes everything in me to turn and look into his eyes, avoiding the strong intimacy, I shook my head. Rick smiles at my response and kisses my head softly.

"Then honesty it is" He holds my face between his palms and stares into my eyes. "I want to tell you that I am proud of you Jen, You are the very strong person I ever come across and your heart is the best thing in this world. I wanted to steal you from reality to have you with me for some days, so I could live with your memories. Because I know, you deserve better, actually the best and that's not me." My eyes filled with tears hearing him saying those words.

"I would always end up hurting you, not intentionally but there's lots of happened between us that will stay with us and I can understand, it would be hard for you to look past all of it. But I want to confess that I have always loved you and am still very much in love with you. No amount of drugs, cocaine allowed to fade you away from my memory, and the day I saw you in Ryan's office, I felt my heartbeats again." His lips curve into a beautiful smile and on its accord, I put my hand over his and give him a light squeeze.

"Then I saw that you have changed, the girl who used to laugh has forgotten to even smile. The girl who used to see good in everyone has stopped trusting in human emotion and hates everything around her. And I was terrified that night when I saw you having a panic attack." His tears welled up on his cheek, I couldn't help myself and wipe his tears, he held my hand and kissed my knuckles sweetly. "All of the suffering and aghast you are going through because of me and I hated myself more than I ever had hated David. I am the monster, evil or whatever name you wanna call" I put a finger on his lips to stop.

"Please" I beg him silently.

"Jen, the reason I forced you to come here is to tell you that it wasn't your fault. I brought the darkness into your life and caused all the havoc, if you want to blame anyone, it should be me. This place is the reminder of what I did to you and it was me who abducted you here, I betrayed you and broke your heart. I ...I"

"Will you just stop, please" The pain is excruciating and I yelled with heartache. All anguish, heartbreaks, everything is playing right in front of me and it overwhelmed me. I couldn't take it anymore and didn't realize I was sobbing.

"I just want you to stop blaming yourself, be guilt .free and embrace new life" I don't know which direction Rick heading to.

"Jen, Jennifer Milano, I want you to move forward, leaving me and this place behind. I want you to have a new life with someone who is worthy of you." I broke into tears and hid my face in my hands. I hate this confrontation, it feels like his words are hammering a nail in my heart and once again he is successful in putting it in there. It is painful and it makes me feel miserable but if the nail were removed then the hollowness would be ten times worse.

"Jen" he mumbled my name, and I could feel his tears wetting my skin. I don't want to meet his eyes because I know, his next word is going to kill me.

"Daniel and Scarlet are coming, they will be here by any time" My lips quivered at the mention of Scarlet and Daniel, Rick wrapped his hand around me, pulled me into the warmth of his chest and held me tight like this is our last time. I cry for what's coming. I let out the pain of the time we both had together and the little time left for us. I lean into him, surrounded by his scent, absorbing him in my memory forever. Finally, when the tears stop coming, I pull away gently.

"Rick, I want for you the same." He wipes at my tears with his thumbs and smiles.

"I know" his voice thickened with emotions. Rick is right, there's a lot of history between us and I don't know if we can ever be happy together especially since the encounter with Mrs. Adam reminded me of the hatred she carried for me still there, it was evident the way her face darkened by my presence. Rick might be right, this is the closure we both were looking for, from here we both could start fresh. No hatred, no past and no remorse, my new Rick free life. Is that even possible, I don't know but if it is our last moment, then.. more tears fall and it starts getting harder to breathe and I dare to do what my sane mind would never allow. I kiss him, my lips slowly moving on his, wanting him to take control. As I kiss him, tears fall from my eyes and splash on his cheeks, he was crying along with me. I could feel the rise and fall of his chest, as he heaved the pain out through his eyes. We kissed passionately, our tears mixed, becoming one. We kiss each other until we are breathless, he holds onto me tightly as I lose control of my emotions. He put his head against mine to calm himself. With a final peck on my lips, he whispers over my lips "I love you Jen, truly" I wish I could respond to him with the same love, but like always something holding me back and I just nod my head avoiding his hurtful eyes.