Never forget how beautiful you are (Gerard Way FF)

Chapter 73: Never forget how beautiful you are

GERARD'S P.O.V.

– Mr. Way, here are the papers you asked me for. Are you sure? Why don't you think about it better? – the doctor asked me.

I carelessly took the adoption papers from his hands and continued staring at the little baby that was in the nurse's arms. She was so little...How was I supposed to take care of her without Rylee? I haven't told anyone yet. I don't feel like doing it right now.
The nurse came closer to the big window but I took a step back. I was scared and sad. I was half-conscious of what was happening around me. Why had that to happen to me?

– I don't think you should do it, Gerard – Emilien told me, scaring me. I didn't expect him there.

– You don't understand – I murmured, my eyes still on the nurse and the baby.

– Uh? I have a daughter and I am sad because of what happened too...I can tell you, having a baby is the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. It's hard sometimes, but when you see her face everyday, smiling, laughing... it's worth it – he calmly explained.

– I don't know... – for some stupid reason, my mind was out of service in that moment. There was no intelligent life inside my skull right then, just sad feelings and tears threatening to come out in any moment.

– Come here, if after this you still think you have to give her in adoption I won't say anything more – he took me by the arm and made me follow him inside the room.

Instantly, a mixture of baby and hospital smell hit me in the face. He practically forced me to take the baby. But, when I had her in my arms, something inside me changed. I realized I was blaming her for Rylee's death...
The baby was so little...I feared she would just disappear like her mother.

– What do you think now? – Emilien asked. I realized the nurse and him had been starring at me from the moment I took her.

– I-I...don't know. It's weird – I mumbled.

– You don't want to get rid off what Rylee and you created, do you? – he kept making the right questions, and I didn't want to listen to them.

– No, but... – I started; Ididn't finish the sentence. I didn't know how.

– Do you have a name for her? – the nurse suddenly asked.

I looked down and the baby stared back at me, her big eyes with that spark that only Rylee's had. A name for her? Rylee had told me some names that she liked a few weeks ago, but I couldn't remember them. The baby caught my thumb with her little hand. I looked down again and couldn't help but to smile. I don't know if Rylee would have liked it, but I thought the name suited her. Bandit Lee, Bandit Lee Way. 

[A year later]

It was Bandit's first birthday. We were back in New Jersey. Frankie and Jamia had insisted in organizing a huge birthday party for my little girl, even when she wasn't going to remember it; whatever. I woke up early that morning and decided to do what I had to do. I dressed up Bandit and took everything she needed, put everything in the car, sat her in her special seat and then drove to the cemetery.

Slowly, I made my way through the graves until I found the one I was looking for. It was something I had to do. She needed to...well, "see" her girl. Bandit played carelessly with the tips of my hair while I walked. She was so innocent...I had learned to love her, and I thought she liked me too.

I stood there, in front of her grave. I still couldn't believe it. I still hoped for Rylee to appear, saying it all had been a joke and that she had been working in France all the time...but deeply in my mind I knew that wasn't going to happen. I knelt down in front of the grave and stared at the inscription in the tombstone:

Rylee Stump

Never forget how beautiful you are.

1977 – 2012

It was her message to all the people that felt alone, sad...it was something she used to tell me.

Bandit tried to let go of me, but I sat her on my knee and kissed the top of her head.

– See, Bandit? That's Mommy – I told her. She looked up at me for a moment but then continued playing with my hand.

– Mo-mmy – she suddenly said. I held back the tears.

– Yes, Mommy – I smiled sadly.

We stayed there for I don't know how much time. I couldn't express my feelings with words, so I just sat there, letting my thoughts fill my mind. I hoped Rylee could read it.

– Bye bye, Ry. I love you – I said while I stood up, taking Bandit with me.

– Say bye bye to Mommy, Bandit – I told her. She waved and then rested her head on my shoulder. I almost forgot, but I turned again and left the black roses I was carrying with me on the grave.

I made my way back to the car and repeated all the process again: I sat Bandit on her seat, closed the door, went to the driver side and sat down. In the middle of the way home I turned on the radio, and the songs filled the silence.

~»~

Bandit happily received all the toys my friends gave her, but enjoyed more breaking the paper than the toys themselves. I left her with Jamia and her children and went outside. I needed a cigarette. Frank stood next to me, a sad smile decorating his face.

– It's been a year – he said. There was no need for more, we both knew what he was talking about. I just nodded.

– You went to the cemetery – he told-asked me.

– She needed to meet her daughter – I nodded. I let the cigarette fall to the ground and then stepped on it.

Frank was about to go inside, but I stopped him.

– Can we meet tomorrow at the studio? I have new songs that I'd like to show you – I wondered.

– I'll tell the guys – he assured.

– Thanks – I replied.

We went back inside just to find Ray half-covered in cake. I rolled my eyes but smiled.

~»~

That day after the party, I cleaned up everything and soon it was time for Bandit to go to sleep. She was tired anyway, I could see it. I took her in my arms and cradled her until she closed her eyes. I carried her to our room. Well, it was my room but her crib was there so...I left her there, covering her with her blanket and leaving her teddy bear next to her, but didn't leave the room. I watched my baby sleep for about ten minutes.

– Never forget how beautiful you are – I kissed the top of her head and then went back to the living room.

~»~

I sat in front of the TV for the next 30 minutes, just watching a stupid TV show. I felt alone, but at the same time I didn't want to be with anyone that wasn't Rylee. Mikey had insisted in me having a date with a girl he knew, but I had refused to. Jess had stood next to him but hadn't said a word. She didn't get to meet Rylee in the end. 

I sighed and stood up, deciding it was time to get rid off the bottle I'd been hiding behind the TV since the previous week. I wouldn't need it anymore.

– I'm sorry, Ry. I broke the promise I made to you, but it's the last time I disappoint you – I said out loud and let the bottle fall in the trash.