Can't Have It All

Spending Time

Sterling POV-

I laid in my hotel bed staring at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and reopened them.

I let out a big sigh, then looked at my phone that was lighting up with 20 unread text, I received.

All from various, women I was seeing. I wiped my hand down my face, sat up and put my head in my hands.

This was a mess. I shook my head. A fucking mess. One, because today I knew I had crossed the lines of our friendship. And although I could still remain friends with that happening, I knew Deanna probably couldn't.

Which put me in a bind, because I didn't want to lead her on to make her think I wanted more. Which, deep inside I probably did, but I'm not ready. I know me. The temptation too great, the fuck boy too deep in my veins, for me to do a 360 overnight.

But I was also in a bind, because if I expressed this to her, she would probably be hurt.

I was backed in a corner and no matter which way I chose, I was losing.

"Why Shep. Why?" I mumbled to myself and plopped back on the bed.

I know people probably thinking, why can't you change? If you really like or respect someone you can.

It's not that easy. Being young, rich and having any woman you want at your fingertips, is not easy. Especially if it has become a habit.

Well O does yall probably saying. What makes you different from O?

This lifestyle was not a habit for O. He had his fun in college, but by the time he made it to the league, that shit was out of his system. He had built up enough time and foundation with Kenya, that faithfulness was his habit.

It's hard to break good habits, just like it is bad ones.

In my heart did I want to give me and Deanna a chance? Absolutely. But I know me. I'm telling you. I could possibly change, but the road to getting there was gonna include a lot of heartache. And I don't know if she would stay with me, until I changed, which God knows how long it's gonna take.

And to make matters worse, Deanna told me she never been in love before nor has she ever had sex. Do you know I would probably be her first everything?

That puts an insane amount of pressure on me to be perfect and I just know I'm going to fuck up. I know it. Even if I do grow to love her, I know 100 percent without a doubt, I am going to fuck some shit up.

But I had to figure out something to say. I didn't want to just leave without talking to her. I had flew all the way from Jersey. I had to figure something out and quick.

Deanna POV-

"What's up?" K asked on the other end of facetime.

"Are you around O?"

"No, he took Livy to the aquarium. What's wrong?"

"So you know what happened between me and Shep last Sunday."

"Yeah."

"So he flies to Baton Rouge. Meets me at my school. And we talk. We sorta argue. He's upset about me talking to Otto and I confront him about the Bianca clone. And I tell him to take me home. And he doesn't we argue a little more and in the middle of it he kisses me."