You're My Last Hope (Under Edit)

Chapter 33

Chapter 33

"Forever's never seemed so long as when you're not around

it's like a piece of me is missing.

I could have learned so much from you but what's left now?

Don't you realize you shot this family a world of pain?

Can't you see there should have been a happy ending we let go?" I whimpered and moved closer to Max. I should be at home getting beat by dad, but I didn't want to go. So I didn't. Instead, I went to Max's hospital room. Right now, I was laying down next to him and listening to All Time Low's song Lullabies. It remind me of him. I look up at him and sigh.

"My life would so much better if you were here..." I whisper, letting a tear fall down my cheek. It's true. I wouldn't be cutting as much, mom would be alive and we'd be away from dad. I don't know why Max thought the abuse was his fault. It wasn't. It was mine.

When I was born, I was a surprise. Mom and dad weren't planing on having another kid. Dad had made it clear when they got married all he wanted was one kid. About a year after I was born, dad started drinking. At first, it wasn't much. He would only come home drunk maybe once or twice a month. He really just started to neglect me of simple things after a while. He would never buy me any toys or anything; mom always had to buy them. He started to just ignore the fact that I existed. He wouldn't play with me, he wouldn't be anywhere near me, he wouldn't even drop me off by daycare. When I was three, the abuse started. I wasn't sure how it started, all I knew was that it started. Just like the drinking, it wasn't much a first. He'd slap me a few times when no one was home and shove me around, but it never got bad enough to leave markings. But, along with the drinking, it got worse. One day, when I was sick, mom had asked dad to stay with me and he agreed to, even though he didn't want to. I'm not positive on what happened, but I think I fell down the stairs. As any four year old would do, I started crying. That's what I think made dad start. He got mad at me for crying and started to beat me. That's around the time Max came home and saw. Max could've just staid out of the abuse if he wouldn't have stood up for me. But, of course, he didn't stop standing up for me. Dad started beating him too. It was obvious that, every time dad started on Max, he really wanted me. I was the reason that it started. I should've just died and left Max with mom and dad. The abuse would've stopped. Maybe not the drinking, but the abuse would. I knew it would. I should've never been born. Mom should've just had an abortion or given me up to adoption. Why didn't she just do that? She's dead now and it's my fault. If I hadn't been born, mom and Max would still be living. Max wouldn't be in his coma and mom wouldn't be six feet underground. I sat up, wiping my face to get rid of my tears and feeling around in my pockets.

"Come on come on where is it?" I whisper to myself. It had to be here. I always had it in my pockets. I never left home without it. It had to be here.

"No no no no..." I had forgotten it. I left it at home. I could picture it, sitting there on my bathroom counter, covered in blood form the last time I used it. I put my hands in my hair and pulled at it, trying to force my memories back. I didn't want to remember. I didn't need to remember. I had to stop them for good. I pulled my knees up to my chest and put my face in them. There had to be something I could use here. There had to be. It's a hospital. I could find something somewhere. There had to be something.

I stood up and ran into the bathroom in Max's room, looking into the mirror. I turned on the water and washed off my tears, trying to make it look like I hadn't been crying. I knew there had to be at least a push pin that I could use somewhere. After I washed off all the tears, I dried off my face with a small hand towel. I looked back at Max and walked over to him, leaning down and kissing his cheek. This could be the last time I see him in a while.

"Everything's gonna get better for you Max. I love you so much." I whisper, kissing his cheek once more. I wonder if this was the same thing he did to me when he had his attempt; if he stood over me while I was asleep and kissed my cheek, whispering that everything will get better once he was dead and saying what he though would be his last I love you. I knew this would be my last one though. Without a second thought, I walked out of his room and down the hallway. I wasn't sure what I would use. I could try to steal some medication from someone and take it, but I don't think I'd do that. Stealing was wrong. I couldn't do that.

'Use your belt stupid. People do that all the time.' My belt. How could I forget that? I could hang myself with it. But from what? I could use a ceiling fan. But I didn't want to do that either. It would be horrible if one of the nurses or doctors just found a random boy hanging from a ceiling fan in one of their rooms. That could scar them so badly...I couldn't do that either. I wish I could. It would be so painless....

If I found a thumb tack, how easy would it be to cut a vain with that? Where could I find some? I'm sure I could. Aren't there some in Max's room? Wait, what about scissors? I could use scissors! I know there's some in Max's room; they're in a drawer. I couldn't help but to let a smile form on my face. I knew what I'd do now. I quickly turned around and walked back to Max's room, trying to resist the urge to run to it. I probably already looked crazy enough. I didn't want anyone to get suspicious about what I was doing. I quickly open the door to Max's room and walk in, going straight to the drawer and opening it. I smiled once I saw the scissors and picked them up, sitting down in the chair next to Max's bed. I looked up at him one more time and then back down to the scissors. Opening them, I put the blades to my wrist. I was forgetting something. I was forgetting my suicide note. Normally, I wouldn't write one. I had to this time though. I needed to write one so Max knows what happened when he wakes up. I should probably write one for Anthony too. He'd be crushed to know he lost a second friend. He could get over me though. But what about Anna? Should I write her one? I've only known her for two weeks, probably less. She wouldn't care. I'll just tell Anthony to tell her I was sorry for leaving. I put down the scissors and quickly take out my phone, finding his number.

"Look Anth, I'm sorry. I honestly really am. I can't take this anymore. I'm so sorry. You can find someone better than me. I know you can. Stick with Cody. You two seem to like each other. But whatever you do, please, please, don't hurt yourself. I'm not worth it. Please don't kill yourself. Taylor needs you here. He'd want you to stop. I want you to stop. Sadly, I won't be here when you do. Anthony don't blame yourself for this. There was honestly nothing you could do for me. I was a lost cause. We'd both be better off right now if I didn't let you close to me....Please don't let Taylor blame himself either. He's a good kid. He doesn't deserve to hurt. He doesn't deserve to be hurt. He's already been hurt far too much. I don't want him to feel bad about this. Tell him this isn't his fault either. It's no one's fault but mine. Please tell Anna that I'm sorry for leaving her so soon. She deserves someone better then me either way. Watch her. Make sure she's okay. I doubt this will hurt her any, but still. And when Max wakes up, watch him. Make sure he doesn't try to commit suicide again. Make sure he doesn't self harm anymore. I'm sorry Anthony, I really am. I can't take this anymore. Please don't blame yourself. Bye Anth." I quickly reread my message, wiping the tears off my screen as I do. Without hesitation, I add one more phrase.

"I love you." I did love him. It took me a while to realize it, but I did. He was like my brother. I hesitated on hitting the send button. I sighed a bit and pressed it, putting my phone on the table once I did. I picked the scissors back up and placed the blade against my wrist, closing my eyes. I couldn't help but to smile. This is it. Without any hesitation, I press down hard, feeling the pain but not noticing it. I opened my eyes and looked at Max.

'He's going to be happy soon.' That was my last thought before my world went black.