A Dangerous Enigma

36. Moving Forward

Is it easier to stay? Is it easier to go?
I don't wanna know, oh
But I know that I'm never, ever gonna change
And you know that you're always gonna stay the same

Is it easier to stay? Is it easier to go?
I don't wanna know, oh
But I know that I'm never, ever gonna change
And you know you don't want it any other way

~ Five Seconds of Summer

I never did find out whatever it was that Leo was hiding. Whatever it was, I was sure that it was being dealt with and I would not need to put myself in a stressful position of worrying.

A few weeks had passed since I had given birth to Luca, every day was the same and nothing was different. Leo was barely home, he worked pretty much every day and when he wasn't at work he was in his office at home, doing god knows what.

I knew better than to involve myself in his affairs but at the same time, I had a right to know what was going on.

Luca was getting bigger every day, he was only three weeks old but his face had started to change. He was becoming more developed and at first, I thought he looked like both me and Leo, I was wrong he looked nothing like me. Luca was the spitting image of his father, and it made me think would our innocent child grow up to be exactly like him?

I sighed heavily, attempting to burp Luca for the second time in the space of five minutes. It was mid afternoon and I hadn't had any lunch yet as I had been so busy trying to tidy the house whilst looking after Luca. It wasn't that he was hard to look after, I just found myself always at his beck and call whenever he cried. Despite, baby experts saying to leave a baby to self-soothe; I just couldn't bring myself to hear him crying his little heart out.

I heard a small burp and turned my head to see that Luca had spit up some excess milk on the muslin cloth, that was over my shoulder.
"That's a good boy," I smiled tiredly.

Placing Luca in his crib, in his room instead of the baby basket in my room, I sighed heavily. I needed to sleep, if I didn't nap at least half an hour a day, I wouldn't be able to cope with the feeding times at night for Luca, and so far he was getting up nearly every two hours for a feed. Sometimes he wouldn't even feed, he just wanted comfort from me and would fall asleep suckling at my breast.

I didn't want to say it in front of Leo but it seemed like my son would be a mummy's boy. I smiled at the thought of Luca being a toddler running around the house, I couldn't wait till he got older but at the same time I didn't want him to stop being a baby... my baby.

"Lucan Leonardo Stephen Russo," I whispered more to myself than to my baby.

It didn't bother me that Leo wanted to name our child after him, what did bother me was that he wanted to call him Lucan instead of Luca. Right now my baby was just Luca, it was more of a short name than his real name, just like Leah and Leo.

Despite it being three weeks since we had our baby registered, Leo hadn't talked to me about why he wanted that name for our child. As always I didn't challenge it, mostly because I wanted to call my first baby Lucan but I felt guilty for doing so.

"He's gone Leah, there's nothing we can do about it."

Leo's words echoed in my head.

I held back the tears that started to dwell in my eyes. I needed to be strong, not just for myself but for my son also. Leaning down, I pressed a soft kiss to his forehead before switching the baby monitor on and making my way downstairs.

The house was quiet, too quiet as Luca slept silently. I couldn't complain as I did enjoy the few quiet moments that I got to myself.

I ate leftovers from the night before, which was just a simple casserole I had made. I wasn't bothered to make anything else and there was no point as the leftovers would just keep piling up.