Book Two - It Should Have Been Us

Chapter Twenty Two

James and I tried to avoid each other the following weeks. Apart from sending Reese to and from his play school, I tried to stay in as much as I can. I still help Lauren with the foundation but I made it a point to limit myself to writing correspondence and making phone calls. It was a good thing the serye has already wrapped up. Direk Cathy offered me another editing job for her upcoming movie but I had to turn it down. My first instinct was to call Paulo and tell him what happened between me and James and I did. I kept trying to contact Paulo the first week but his calls were diverted to Len and it was Len who asked me to respect Paulo's decision so I steered clear of him even if it was hard. There's one thing bothering me though about what Len said to me during that phone call; something about Paulo hurting if not as much then maybe more than I am. I don't know how's that possible seeing as I've been waking up every day since then with a void inside my heart that seemed to expand as days passed. Besides, if he was hurting just as much then why did he have to break up with me? Maybe he just needs time. I wasn't lying when I told him I'd wait for him. One day, he'd realize he made a mistake.

Every waking day was a struggle. I may deny my drunken one night stand with James but I couldn't shake off the guilt that eats at me for betraying Paulo. Scratch that, we're broken up by the time it happened so it's not like I cheated on him. Still, I can't get over the feeling. And Paulo's words keep ringing inside my head: about how it's still James I want after all this time. How is that even possible? If I never really loved Paulo then why does it hurt this bad? Why does the thought of what we could have together seem so suffocating? I felt like a zombie the first week, if it weren't for Reese then I'd probably just lie in bed all week without a care in the world. James has been very understanding. He tried to cut back on his schedule as much as possible to make time for Reese; sometimes even me. I refrained from touching alcohol (not even a drop of wine) since our "accident" but I found myself lacking the appetite most days so James appointed himself as my pseudo nurse even going so far as to threaten me that he'd shove the fork down my throat if need be. By the end of the month, the pain seems to ebb a little; making it easier to breathe. And as the weeks passed, I felt better somehow. By the end of the second month, I caught stomach flu so I stayed with my parents to keep away from Reese. I moved back in under a week even when I still

feel unwell. Being without Paulo was hard, but without Reese? That's hell for me so I can't really stay away for long.

The past few days though I have to finally admit that I'm in denial again – this time for a totally different reason. Paulo still lingers in my head but I no longer think of the breakup. I'm feeling weary and restless. By the end of the third month, I couldn't ignore it any longer. I've been here before so the confirmation was more for my peace of mind than anything else. Two lines - no surprise there. Damn Reid swimmers know exactly when it's the wrong time. I debated telling James but he was in an out of town show the entire week and I didn't want to tell him over the phone. I guess it slipped my mind somehow. Only when James came storming into the dining room throwing the plastic stick on the table did I remember leaving it in my bedside drawer.

When are you planning to tell me this time?! His veins prominent in his neck. Two?! Three? More so, are you ever going to tell me?!

What were you doing in my room?

Fuck you!

James! Daddy Malcolm's voice boomed from the entryway. Language!

She's pregnant! Did you know about this?

Does Paulo know yet? Lauren cuts in.

It's mine. The silence that followed was deafening. It was Jack dropping his spoon that broke the tension.

Shit, sorry.

Everybody out. Daddy Malcolm's leveled tone not masking the authority in his statement, Lauren and Jack scurried out the door.