As he stood outside the SWS bus Vic couldn’t help but think he shouldn’t have left without a word to Kellin. He pulled his shirt over his head and pulled up his sweats. The cigarettes in his front pocket had been crushed by tonight’s actions. As he tried to straighten one out the light from the bus left he knew Kellin was going to bed. There was no fixing this tonight he thought to him-self. He lit his have crushed cigg and made his way back to his own bus. Tears began to well up in his eyes. His emotions were everywhere. He couldn’t stand the thought of leaving Kellin like that. But, he didn’t even want to think of what could have happened next if he didn’t. ‘Kellin Is not a girl Vic.’ He thought out-loud. ‘He doesn’t like being a girl nor will he ever be a girl.’ ‘Where’s your head at what are you doing!’ Vic was yelling at his own thoughts he could feel himself going crazy.
Everyone was passed out either on the couch or on the floor the ground was littered with beer cans and the bus wrecked of marijuana. Even the SWS boys were knocked out. Everything was just the way Vic had left it, except mike had moved to his bunk instead of the floor. Good thing they didn’t return to the SWS buss while Vic was over. But, maybe if they did they would be so plastered they wouldn’t have known what was going on. Vic would never have taken that chance, he wasn’t even gay. Kellin was different he didn’t know why he did what he did tonight but it felt so right until…. He pushed the thought from his mind and rolled into his bunk.
It was so spacious compared to Kellins, but Kellin did have an upper bunk which he knew from past experience was not meant for two people. Vic began to think back about the fan he had banged in this bunk just a month before; how perfectly he fit into her, how beautiful her body was. He shook the thought away as the girl began to turn into Kellin. He began to drift into a sleep of endless dreams.
Vic awoke the next morning to the sound of Tony barfing on the floor. The sound sickened him. He rolled from his bed and quickly ran to the bathroom. He threw up barley making it in the toilette he heard Tony again and couldn’t hold his stomach. He gasped for air, looking up at the mirror he saw a purple welt on the side of his neck. Un-mistakably a hicky. He rubbed at it trying to get it to go away. He began to remember last night. He was almost thinking about going to see Kellin until he remembered how the night ended. He then began to remember why he ended the night. His face began to grow red, his teeth began to clench he was furious and he didn’t know why. He wasn’t gay what’s the big deal it was just… hormones from the road that’s all.
He reached hand under the mirror until his fingers found his blade.
He removed the blade from the back of the mirror and flipped it in his finger before taking his shirt off. He turned slightly just enough to see his ravaged left shoulder in the mirror. Still fondling his razor blade he ran it under the cool water. He liked it when it tore through his skin rather than slice it. He brought the razor to his shoulder and pressed it deeply right next to another scar. It had been so long since had done this he bit his lip from the pain. Slowly he dragged the blade forward he would feel the skin being pulled as it tore a canyon in his shoulder. He made a cat about 3 inches long. One of his best he thought to himself. But he needed it, he needed this more than anything now. He felt the warm blood stream down his arm and back as the skin began to numb. He loved the numbing after word, it was intoxicating. He wanted to cut another long jagged tear into his shoulder when he heard Tony start gasping before throwing up again. He grabbed a wad of toilet paper and wiped the blood from his body and put his shirt back on.
He walked into the main room to find Tony huddled in the corner clutching his stomach vomit on the wall next to him. It was disgusting but Tony needed him. He grabbed Tony’s hand and led him out-side where he found the rest of the Pierce the Veil band, Sleeping with Sirens, and Kellin. He wanted to run but Tony was using him for support he couldn’t just drop him. He leaned against the side of the bus and let Tony slide down into a ball at the base of the tire. “So what happened last night?” Interrupted Vic. Jesse looked over at Vic and whimpered “It’s not my fault man; I didn’t think we’d fuck up Tony….” “What are you talking about?” questioned Vic. “Is that why he’s like this? What did you do to him, Jesse!” Vic was yelling now.
Jesse stood up he was much bigger than Vic and pretty intimidating. “He just drank too much of the bad stuff that’s all!” Jesse whined back to Vic. He sounded angry but sorry at the same time. “What does that mean?” Kellin interrupted placing a hand on Jesse trying to get him to sit down again. “They put it in my drink…” Tony whined from beside the tire still curled up in a ball. Kellin looked down at Tony who looked like he was going to cry. “We all did it and none of us are like that!” Jesse argued before a fight had even started. ‘it’” Kellin screamed. No one answered. Vic stated flatly “Well we should get him to a hospital or som…” Jesse cut him off “and what get arrested for possession? No thank you!”
“No. Vics right he needs his stomach pumped.” Said Mike coolly. “Well okay well I’m out I’m getting food.” Said Jesse as he walked toward the rest stop lobby. The awkward silence and sneers at the exiting Jesse were broken by Tony’s whimpers for help. “Right.” Said Kellin “Let’s get him to a car. Whose car tailed?” Jaime spoke up at once “The tour manager drove my car I’ll get the spare key!” Jaime ran into the bus and no more than 5 seconds later bolted out in a sprint into the crowded rest lot. Mike was crouched next to Tony trying to make him feel better. It wasn’t working.
The remaining SWS members stood around awkwardly as they were not as close to Tony as any of the PTV members. Even Kellin knew him better from the king for a day video. “We’ve got this thanks, you guys go eat we’ll get food on the way back from the hospital.” Said Vic to the remaining SWS members avoiding Kellins gaze. Jaime pulled up in the beat up car and honked the horn. It took both Mike and Vic to get Tony to the car. Kellin was still standing next the bus awkwardly when Mike yelled “C’mon Kellin we gotta get there today!” unaware that he was supposed to join them at the hospital Kellin joined Tony and Vic in the crowded back seat.
The hospital waiting room smelled heavily of Lysol and blood. The vomit covered Tony being added to the mix made the smell almost unbearable for anyone. They sat around for about 20 minutes but when Tony had another fit they saw him right away. The doctor was suspicious of what had happened to their friend. But, marked it as alcohol poisoning when nobody gave him a straight answer to what made him like this.
After 2 hours of excruciating pain and moaning Vic couldn’t stand to be in Tony’s room anymore. He couldn’t see his friend that way. He burst through the door and into the hallway, beginning to pace. Kellin who was sitting cross legged on the floor next to the door looked up at the troubled Vic. He didn’t say a word he just waited for Vic to notice him. Vic made about 15 paces before catching Kellins eye.
“Oh, you’re still here are you?” he asked looking slightly angered. “Well yea, I mean I wanna be here for Tony.” Kellin mumbled slightly he didn’t want to come across as bitchy. Vic stepped toward Kellin and sank to his knees. “I’m so sorry…” he whimpered softly avoiding Kellin’s gaze again. Kellin said nothing while he ran his fingers through Vic’s now filthy hair. Vic grabbed Kellins hand and gently removed it from his hair. Still looking at his lap Vic began to cry softly. All Kellin wanted to do was hold he but he knew this wasn’t the place not here, not now. Kellin stood up and reached out his hand to Vic. Vic took his hand still avoiding his gaze. Kellin hugged him tight. Vic didn’t hug him but he didn’t need him too, he knew this was enough. Kellin felt his finger feel a bit wet and he glanced up to see he had blood on his hand.
He broke away from the hug and starred at his hand. Was he bleeding? He looked at his hand almost frantically then quickly pulled back Vic’s T-shirt sleeve. Vic pulled away roughly and swayed form his own force. He grit his teeth and glared at Kellin. Kellin eyes began to well with tears and he whimpered “Why?” Vic couldn’t give him an answer he couldn’t explain why he needed to harm himself. Vic avoided Kellins gaze and began to walk down the hallway. Kellin was still standing by the wall when Vic turned the corner.
