Grown ish: Zoey and Aaron, The Future (BOOK 2)

Part 31: Depression

Zoey narrates.

It's been a few weeks now, since Zara was born, and things had been going well...until now.

I'm rushing around the apartment this morning, trying to tidy up, as Zara cries in the background.

'One second, baby...' I say, stressfully.

Aaron comes downstairs after a work call, and comes over to me.

'I think she's hungry.' He says, and I roll my eyes.

'Don't you think I know that?' I reply, pushing him out of my way, lightly.

'Zoey, leave this, I'll fold the clothes, you go and feed Zara.' He says, trying to take the pile of clothes from my hands.

'No, just let me do it.' I say, resisting, as he tries to pull them away from me, but they all fall messily on the ground.

'Seriously, Aaron?! You couldn't have just listened to me when I said I would do it?!' I shout at him, as Zara continues crying.

'I was just trying to help you, Zoey...' He says, as I interrupt him.

'Well stop. I don't need your help.' I say, annoyed, picking up the clothes and dumping them on the couch, before taking Zara out of her crib.

Her crying slows, as I sit down, cradling her in my lap with one hand, and unbuttoning my jumpsuit with the other, to feed her. She finally stops crying, and the silence is deafening.

Aaron doesn't say anything else, and instead, takes the clothes and starts folding them, as I look at him, but he avoids my gaze.

Zara starts crying again.

'Oh baby...' I say, taking her off of my chest and hugging her, rubbing her back.

'Zoey, she's still hungry.' Aaron says.

'I know, but she's not latching on anymore.' I say, trying to calm her down.

'I brought some formula milk last night. It's in the kitchen. Why don't we try it? I'll go make it.' He says.

'Why?' I say, as he looks at me, confused.

'I told you I wasn't going to use formula. We discussed this already. Why did you buy it anyways?' I say, standing up, as Zara's continues to cry.

'I just thought...' He starts, but I stop him.

'You thought what? That you know better than I do when it comes to our child? Why can't you just listen to me for once? It doesn't have the same nutrients as breast milk. I've told you so many times, I don't want to use it. So why did you go and buy it?' I say, angrily.

He doesn't reply, and instead just looks away, taking a deep breath.

'Zoey, I honestly don't know what is wrong with you right now. I don't know why your lashing out, and why you've been snapping at me these last few days, but I need you to calm down and think properly. She's not eating enough, so why can't we just try it? The doctors said it's fine, and we have to do what's best for Zara.' He says.

I go silent, as I don't know what else to say. He's right. And these last few days and weeks have been so hard for me. I feel empty. I feel like I'm not doing enough to help my child, but also be there for my husband.

I sigh.

'Can you take her, and just put her to sleep...I need to finish cleaning.' I say, quietly, as he takes Zara from me, and cradles her, as she stops crying.

'Zoey, there's nothing else to clean or do. You've been tidying non stop for days now. Just relax. Come and sit with Zara. You haven't just sat with her for a long time now. I'll go make the milk for when she wakes up.' He says, about to touch my shoulder, but I step away from him, which shocks him.

'Yeah...can you make it please?' I say, as he nods, and I leave, quickly going upstairs to the bedroom, sitting on the bed, and crying my eyes out into my pillow.

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A little while later, I'm laying down in bed, as Aaron comes in, my back turned to him.

He places the baby monitor on the side, and lays beside me, holding me close to him.

I'm not crying anymore. But I can't shake this feeling of sadness and uneasiness.

He strokes my arm, silently, and kisses the back of my neck. I finally turn to face him, and stare deeply into his eyes.

I don't have to say anything. I know that he already knows.

'I'm sorry.' I whisper.

'It's okay.' He says, kissing my forehead.

'I just think...since Zara was born...I've had this desire to just be perfect. Be the perfect mother, the perfect wife...and I haven't been able to admit that I honestly don't know if I'm doing everything right.' I say, closing my eyes and leaning in closer to his chest, as he holds me tighter.

'Zoey, no one, and I mean no one, is expecting you to be perfect. You're doing great. You just need to slow down, and know that not everything will go smoothly. And there are other options to make things easier.' He says.

'Aaron...I just feel...sad. And I don't know why. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life...' I say, as I cry again.

'I didn't want to admit it...but I think I need help.' I say, as Aaron doesn't reply, but I know in his heart he agrees.

'I'm right here, Zoey.' He says, and even though I know he is, and I know that there is help out there for my post partum depression, I had no idea how off the rails I'd actually go.

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