You Again [h.s]

57. Love

I submitted my article today. I hope Tony likes it because honestly I restarted it so many times as it just didn't feel like it was coming from my heart. People probably won't understand it - but he will and I will. Things from the heart never make sense in the beginning. But in the end they always do.

A/N: usually the articles are in italics, but it's long and I figured it'll be easier for you to read if I keep it normal. Brace yourselves ;)

What is love? I didn't know what love was until the end of writing this article. I never understood it as I chose to never think about the awful thing as it continuously broke my heart.

Everything I choose to love always leaves me anyway, so why love at all? When I was a child, I told my parents I loved them every night before I went to sleep. I had no idea what love was as I was just repeating what they would say to me even before I could speak. When my mother died when I was three I thought that love meant that you would miss them when they left and it does. I cried over and over, screaming and crying for my mother who I inherited all my features from. I was young and after six months I stopped crying because I didn't forget about her, but I pushed her to the back of my mind as I thought that she didn't love me or miss me because she wasn't coming back for me. I had no idea what love was and I hated the fact that she left me all alone with my father. I loved him to death, but he ended up leaving me too.

My father and I came a lot closer as we did everything together and besides when I was at school and he was at work, we wouldn't leave each other's side. I had no idea that my father had depression - I mean, who wouldn't after losing the love of their life. I just thought my dad was sad because he hadn't pushed my mum to the back of his mind like I did. I would never wish death upon anyone, not even the person who hurt me physically and caused me the most pain in my body I've ever felt. I found my father a day after my fourth birthday dead on he bathroom floor. He was supposed to pick me up from school that day. It was my first year of schooling, I had no idea why he didn't come get me. The school called my grandparents and my grandma came to get me. She took me home and tried calling my father, but mobile phones weren't invented then and his boss told my grandma that he didn't go to work that day. She told me to go upstairs and get changed out of my school clothes into something more comfortable. I went to the bathroom as I needed to pee, but I didn't make it. I seen my dad on the floor with a gun in his hand. His blood was almost dry as I leant down with some toilet paper, thinking my dad was asleep and had just hurt himself like the ones in movies that always woke up. But he didn't wake up. I didn't know he had died and I was yelling at the doctors who put a sheet over him. I told them that my dad was afraid of the dark, we always slept with a night light on. He was a thirty year old man who was afraid of the dark. I think he was more afraid of his dreams which the darkness caused. My grandma pulled me back and hugged me. I never seen my dad again after that day.

We sold our house and I moved in with my grandparents. I had lost both of my parents. I was a year older and a little wiser. I thought love was the way you felt for someone and it is. I missed my dad and my mum as this brought back memories of her. I asked my grandma and grandpa if I would see my daddy again because I never seen mummy. They told me I would see them again one day, but I had to wait and live my life first. I told them they were crazy and thought they were keeping me from seeing my mummy and daddy. They told me they missed them too and that the sky was keeping them from us. Little did I know what heaven was. I would speak to my parents everyday by looking up at the sky that I hated. I would curse at it for holding my parents up there. I even stacked my pillows, chairs and blocks together in attempt to reach the sky to rescue them. I ended up falling onto the grass in my backyard and broke my arm. I only got 153cm off the ground.