Chase You -1- Formula 1

52. Fuck feelings

After I got properly introduced to Kelsi, I explained her my entire life story, she seemed very interested in my life for some reason, which felt like a relief. Telling a stranger a story without them judging me just helped to process the thoughts I had. I felt so much more comfortable after the night out with both her and Kate. We had some laughs, definitely, but we also brought up more serious topics.

I went back home after enjoying Lando's company for a few days in Barcelona. We boated on the Mediterranean Sea for like a day and also had dinner together every night. Not to forget mentioning the boat ran out of fuel and the coast guard had to pick us up. All of this to make up for the time I would spend at my mum's house. Sophia didn't have to stay in the hospital for weeks anymore, instead, she had to travel to the hospital for the radiation treatment and she could go home after the process. On one side, this was nice since she preferred to be at home, but this also meant the doctors couldn't do anything for her anymore. The radiation was literally the only thing that kept postponing her death now and the doctors said she'd only have a few more months left, even at her best. For this exact reason, I felt like I needed to spend as much time with her as I possibly could.

My sister was busy watching her favourite movie for the third time today and I took this as an opportunity to speak to my mum. We didn't have much time to talk these days and I only told her things that didn't cause her to worry over the phone, however that changed a lot now. She might have found everything a little overwhelming considering she opened the bottle of wine two hours before dinner. "To get this all straight-" she started. "-Charles cheated on you with Rose for an estimated two months and you cheated on Charles with Lando for a day before the temporary break?" I nodded as I took a sip of my water. "And what are the plans now? Are you breaking up with Charles?"

"Yes," I sighed. "I haven't been honest with him, but he hasn't been honest to me either, so I think breaking up is the best idea," my mum nodded. "I just don't know when. I want to close this in the right way, maybe we can still be friends or something."

"You can give him a call?" She suggested. "Talk things out a little and then decide to break up on good terms." I shook my head. Which idiot would break up on a distance? Over a phone call? I already lowered myself to the level of a cheater, but to be seen as a coward crossed all of my boundaries. We had some great times together, I wouldn't be able to ruin all of what we used to have on a distance. That for sure wouldn't give us closure and would also cause us to not be friends because it'd mean we haven't spoken about everything that caused us to grow apart. I wanted things to be sorted out before we ended this. I promised my mum that the next time I saw Charles, I'd break up with him. "Just don't let him keep you on the hook darling," She sighed, stroking her hand over my arm. "And I promise I'll cut you out of my will if you let Lando go this time."

I chuckled and shook my head. "Not this time mum," I showed a smile. "I think it happened at the wedding," My smile grew even bigger on my lips. "It was around 3 am, dad just died, but damn we laughed so much in that hotel room. I don't remember the last time I felt that happy you know?" I stared at the wall as I visioned that early morning again. "That was the moment I knew I was screwed."

"Literally?" Mum chuckled. I shook my head and laughed. I repeated the chronological order all over again, but instead of making it serious we just laughed about it. "I'm just joking Dais," she playfully nudged my shoulder. "But tell me-" she paused for a brief moment. "-Did this really come as a surprise?"

I furrowed my brows as I thought about it. "Yes," I stated. "I never expected to fall in love again, not with Lando. I thought he was in the past." Mum shook her head. "And only when I found out George liked me I made the connection Lando did as well, but I literally didn't notice a thing."

"How?" She chuckled. "I could see it in your eyes!" I sighed, mum always thought she noticed those little things. "I truly believed you loved Charles, I really do, but I think those temporary feelings suppressed the ones you already had, the ones that never left." I shook my head. She probably drank too much wine. "Or do you think it's a coincidence that every time after your serious relationship you run back to your first love?"

"Yeah that's definitely a coincidence," I said, crossing my arms. "He's just always near when I need him, it's not like I looked for him or anything, it just happened," mum raised her brows. "Again."

Sophia rolled into the kitchen with her mobility scooter, walking turned out to be too exhausting for her, so this was her way of transportation now. She wasn't particularly great in driving the thing since she rolled over my toes so many times in these few days. She probably intended to do so, I wouldn't be surprised if she did it on purpose for that matter.

"From what I've heard," Soph started. "I wasted my 'make a wish' wish on a guy that isn't sticking around?" I nodded. She rolled her eyes. "Next time you bring a guy home I'm not putting in any effort because literally everyone knows it's not lasting while Lando is still around," I gave her a stern look. "Now that I think about it, even if shorty lived on mars, you'd still crawl back to him."

I gasped. "Well, that's not true!" I exclaimed. I wouldn't be crawling, I'd take a spaceship and fly. "Both of you are talking bullcrap."

"Say that on your wedding day," Sophia muttered. Mum chuckled. "I'm not even joking, it's just the facts!" She paused. "Does shorty know you love him?"

"Tell him so many times a day, I think he gets it," I answered. "Well, he should realise, otherwise it would be extremely stupid, I'm making it so obvious."

"But does he know you love him romantically, or does he still see you as his friend with benefits?" Mum added. I shrugged and bit my lip. "Let him know, you-"

"-idiot!" Sophia finished the sentence for mum. "I'm just saying what you wanted to say without having you feel guilty." She explained, receiving a soft smack on the back of her head. "It's the facts."

"What I'm trying to say is," mum continued. "Lando is a great guy and if you don't let him know how you truly feel he's gonna move on, maybe not in the short term, but he will find someone else and then you're the one who is left all alone."

"What do you expect me to do?" I scoffed. "Declare my love?" Both nodded. "You can't be serious." They nodded again. "But I need to break up with Charles first and then I'm going to tell Lando I want to be more than friends with benefits." They applauded me and smiled. I ran upstairs and grabbed my diary, I needed to prepare for this thing that could literally change my entire life.

I plopped down on my old bed and glanced at the pictures that still hung on my wall, above the desk. Next to me, I had a picture of Charles and me standing on the nightstand. I caressed my fingers over the silver frame and I let out a deep sigh. As I pulled my hand back, the photo fell on the floor. I flinched at the noise of the breaking glass. I leaned over and looked at the floor, the photo was still in the frame, but the glass broke and there was barely anything visible from what was behind. I couldn't be bothered to pick up the pieces, I'd do that later.

I don't want to be just friends. I wrote down. It would be too straight to the point. I scribbled over it so the words were no longer visible. Many more words formed sentences I disliked, I just had no clue what to say without sounding like an idiot. I had no clue how to say he meant so much more to me than I ever expected. Disgusted by the cliche things I wrote down I ripped the paper out of my diary and crumbled it up. I covered my face in my hands and groaned. Why did I have to develop feelings now? I had much better things to do. I couldn't keep my best friend off my mind, distracting me with every single thing I did. It would be so much easier if he just knew, but if I didn't get my hints, he wouldn't know unless I told him.

I just didn't know how.

A/n: my apologies for the short chapter, next two are longer, I promise! What are your predictions for qualifying or the race?