Scar Red

28: Quagmire

Mr. McGregor didn't scream at me like Jared did…surprisingly. In lieu, he sat me down, and talked to me; he had asked me how I was feeling including what had been going through my mind during the attempt and how I felt right after. He was very empathic, analyzing the situation that I had been in, and admonished me thoroughly.

He told me to find some kind of self-value, some kind of tether that would strengthen me if something like that happened again.

I didn't know what to make out of Louisa's change of behaviour towards me. She was less…aggressive yet not entirely warm either. Even 'I' could tell that it was a pity, probably after seeing me at the peak of my vulnerable state.

Agnes called too. She was apologizing profusely for what Pedro did and after she pleaded with me to come back, proposing to even double the amount she would pay me, however, I simply declined.

That was what I kept doing every time she called, eventually she stopped trying and accepted my resignation. Declining her offer was part of building my self-value, no amount was making me leave myself prone to spontaneous occurrences as that was the case while I worked there.

Apparently, I had decided to give life another chance. However, I feared how unstable I was getting, and worried about what I would do if something like that happened again.

I wasn't fazed to find out that Louisa knew Agnes and that was probably how Jared knew her. What did faze me was when she mentioned feeling bad for what happened to Pedro.

I'd got all that from eavesdropping on her conversation on the phone and couldn't help but only wonder what that meant and there was absolutely no way to approach her on her subject. Not that I would anyways.

The other day, I tried approaching Jared, asking all those questions I've had about him for so long. He told me that he had a job that went into late hours which consequently led to his late returns.

Sure, that seemed plausible yet, it left me a tad bit skeptical. He said that he was merely acquaintances with Kade, nothing more, nothing less.

Then, when I approached his drinking and possibly smoking habit, he simply shrugged it off. He tried to convince me that there was absolutely nothing going on and that left me more suspicious than I had ever been.

In the past few days, I watched what Mrs. Carmichael had told me, getting ever truer and truer. We hadn't seen each other a lot even though we were living under the same roof since he kept on coming back at late hours, working his supposed 'job'.

If either Ezra or Louisa was concerned with any of JJ's unruly behaviour, they didn't show it, at least not in front of me.

So, I decided to observe him, in light of my overall confusion, inadvertently deserting him. I didn't mean to though, I was barely keeping a safe distance. Not to mention the perpetual fear that drenched me whenever he came back with bloodshot eyes or staggering from drinking.

I feared he wasn't the same person I used to know, I feared he wasn't the same Jared who had given me his medallion…

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I woke up that morning feeling sick. Sick of the entire routine; eat, sleep, eat, watch tv, sleep. Asides from doing house chores when there was more I could be doing. I felt absolutely useless and guilty since I was never the type to be idle, sitting around, and being a burden.

The McGregors were already doing a lot for me and I felt that the least I could do was to carry my own weight and be part of the workforce. I needed a job yet, working one with an injured arm was very difficult to do. So, just like that, it was back to square one.