Being A Sahyoune (Janoskians Fanfic)

Chapter 28: It all happens for a reason

I vowed to myself that I wouldn't judge. It took every ounce in my body to say to myself that this was okay. Deep down I knew it wasn't. But I still had to pretend that I didn't know.

Now every time I think about Beau, MY boyfriend, I imagine him and Lacey, sharing their passionate night together. That was my killer.

I feel terrible for being remotely happy that this didn't pan out. That she didn't endure the pain of having their baby and then me, having to live through life as it didn't effect me because that would mean that I'm not supportive.

I sat upright on my bed, with her diary in the palm of my hands. My eyes scanned her words as internally I prayed that I had read it all wrong. But I didn't. It was black and white, with a little bit of red. In my mind I was imagining what happened, what would have happened and what if it didn't happen.

I couldn't be angry, frustrated yes, but angry no. I lost my best friend. That's hard enough. I couldn't allow myself to hate her. She is my best friend. No one could replace her. So I just had to accept it. I mean technically, he didn't cheat on me. We broke up that night, only the next day we were together again. That in itself was messed up enough. Additionally, as I re-read her letter, she said she was sorry on numerous accounts. Last night, before falling asleep I forgave her, I still do.

It must have killed her, wanting to fangirl about how she lost her card to the most attractive guy in town. Wait, it did kill her. I wanted to scream but no matter how loud enough I screamed or how long it lasted for, it didn't make up for that fact that I would still have to face my problem.

A knock on the door made me jump, I looked up, as I saw him, I slammed her diary shut and slipped it under my covers. I watched as he gulped and stepped one foot in, one foot at a time he was now near my bed.

"Emma" he began, "There is something I need to tell you, something that I've wanted to tell you for a long time but I didn't know how to" he sat upon my bed and he held onto my hand.

I prepared myself as best I could to hear the news that was already to familiar to me. With one shaky inhale he began.

"Okay, so the night when I was under the assumption that you cheated on me and we broke up, in anger and through revenge, I drove to Lacey's house in a huff, I used her to get back at you and we had a heated night, but through it I was already regretting it, regretting using her, hurting her and you and thinking about you in her" he paused "I think we conceived a baby that night, now knowing that that was the reason she killed herself, I'm so sorry".

He admitted it all to me, everything. He apologised and I already forgave. Although I knew it was coming I still cried. He wrapped me up and we fell back on my bed. "I'm so sorry Em, I should have told you soon" he said into my shoulder.

"I forgive you" I said truthfully, hugging his arms back.

"I hope w-" he paused as he processed my words.

"Wait what? You forgive me?" he asked, checking if he heard correctly.

I slightly forced a chuckle "I forgive you" I repeated.

"I never meant to hurt you" he whispered to me.

"I can't seem to stop blaming myself" he said, still holding me.

"For what?" I asked him.

"For what happened to her" he replied.

I thought to myself for a moment. It wasn't his fault and she knew it as well. She wasn't blaming him.

"It's not your fault" I told him "She's the one who did what she did. You didn't hold the knife to her wrists. Don't blame yourself because she doesn't blame you" I said softly.