A Boy Named Conan

First Argument! 🥺😭

    Today, Conan and I had our very first argument. It was not at all fun, obviously. I hate being yelled at or yelling at others. And I hate making others feel bad. The whole thing was about how I haven't been doing as much. Which is funny considering he's been telling me to do a little less, since the babies have been born. Saying how I was doing too much, overworking myself. That pissed me off, and I was really offended. But then I saw where he was coming from. Now due to me slacking, he's had to pick up the extra work, that I haven't been doing, and that can put a lot of stress on him now. It started off with him raising his voice, saying "what is going on with you? What's wrong? You're not doing as much like you used to." He says. "What exactly are you saying?" I ask. "Well, I think you just have been slacking, and need to do more of what makes you a good mom." Conan says. I was in total shock! "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! ALL OF LAST MONTH, YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW I NEED TO DO LESS, BECAUSE I WAS OVERWORKING MYSELF, and NOW, I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH! AND SO YOU'RE BASICALLY CALLING ME A BAD MOM!" I shout back. "I DON'T MEAN YOU'RE A BAD MOM! AND THAT WAS LAST MONTH! I TOLD YOU REPEATEDLY TO TAKE A BREAK, AND YOU IGNORED MY CONCERNS EVERY TIME! SO NOW YOU DECIDE TO TAKE A BREAK! YOU SHOULD HAVE WHEN I TOLD YOU TO! that's YOUR FAULT!" Conan says coldly, screaming so loud. "WOW! OKAY! SO I AM NO LONGER ENTITLED TO TAKE A BREAK?! MAYBE I WASN'T FEELING OVERWORKED! I STILL HAD THAT FLAME OF MOTIVATION! NOW, I'VE LOST THAT FLAME! IT BURNED OUT! IT SHOULDN'T JUST HAVE
BEEN LAST MONTH TO TAKE A BREAK! IT SHOULD BE THAT WAY ANY TIME!" I shout. "WELL YOU WOULDN'T FEEL BURNED OUT AND OVERWORKED IF YOU HAD DONE WHAT I SAID, WHEN I SAID IT! I GENUINELY WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU! YOU COULD HAVE DONE YOURSELF SOME GOOD, AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!" Conan yells back. That made me feel really bad. I didn't think about that, about how if I had listened, I would have taken so much stress off of his mind and heart. I walk away, and Conan tries to stop me. "Hey, wait! Come here." I close my eyes for a few seconds, as I take a deep breath, and I turn to him and tell him calmly, "Conan...? I need time for myself. I need time to breathe and calm down. "I'M SORRY!" He wasn't yelling from anger. He was sobbing. So he was being louder. "I know, it's okay. We'll talk about this in a bit." I say, holding back tears. I go into the bedroom, and close the door, and then I start crying. Conan and I were both crying pretty loudly. We could hear each other. He was in the living room.
A half hour goes by, and I am finally calm. I walk out of the door, and Conan's still crying. I stopped crying like, 10 minutes ago. He truly feels bad. I walk up to him, and touch his back and rub it gently. For a sweet approach. Because he didn't see me coming, as he was laying on his stomach. He lifts himself up, and sits up. "You ready to talk about this?" I ask. "Yes. I wanted to the whole time. But I understand your need to calm down. I was being respectful of that. But man, that really killed me! I could literally see the sadness I caused you! You looked physically upset and hurt. I hate that I did that to you! But even though it hurt me, and wanted to talk it out with you immediately, I wanted to respect your space. Your privacy. Even if it meant me suffering in silence. Besides, I kinda deserve it after making you feel that way." Conan says in tears. My eyes are heavy, as I watch his eyes drop tears all over the place. I shake my head. "Conan, I appreciate that you let me have time for myself. I really needed that. Although it killed me as well, hearing you sob. I knew you wanted me to talk to you. Sorry, it's kinda selfish of me. You wanted to talk to me, but respected my space. And still let me be by myself for a bit. So I could have come out to talk to you. I only thought about myself. And don't you dare say you deserve to suffer in silence. You absolutely do not. No Matter what, you got that?" "Sometimes it's okay to be selfish. Self care. Do what is best for you. Don't feel bad for only thinking about yourself. But technically you didn't, because you still felt bad that I was so upset. So you still thought about me. And okay. I take back the fact that I said I deserve to suffer in silence. Also, I take back everything I said in the argument. I don't know what the hell got into me. But I really don't like It, whatever it was." Conan says. "That's a good point! Yeah I did still think about you. And You are forgiven. I know you didn't mean any of it. And I know, I didn't like it either. But you know what? We're human. We're allowed to make mistakes, or have our moments. I totally understand! You were stressed for the first month of the babies being born, I ignored your request for me to take a break and not do so much. And then you were under more stress because of that. Then, you became stressed because you did the extra work to take care of the babies. When you told me that I should have listened and make you feel better, I felt so bad! It made me realize the affect it had on you. And I ignored you. I didn't relieve you from that worry. That's horrible! But that makes me glad you said that at the end of our argument. Because now I know for next time, take a break when you tell me to." I say. "Well, just because I'm stressed, that does not mean I have the right to make you feel the way I did. Or even just yelling at you in the first place. You don't deserve to be treated that way. I have told you how amazing you are as a mother, especially when you get worried that you're not doing good enough for our children. And I just told you all the opposite things. Those things I said in that argument was not true! You're the best mom to them, and they're SO lucky to have you! And I hope they realize that when they are older. Even now they probably think that. Even though they can't form words. Or maybe they don't know how to process a thought. But right now, while they can't tell you how amazing of a mother you are, and how incredible you're doing, I need to tell you. You should NEVER hear the things you did today! You don't deserve to feel less than the best you can be! I just cannot believe the words that came out of my mouth." Conan says.  "It really is okay.  You may not think it's okay.  I mean, it doesn't mean you should.  But again, you're REALLY stressed.  So you just blew up.  That's okay.  What just happened, that was not you.  You would not ever say that if you were in a good mood like you usually are.  So for you, stress may not be an excuse.  But please know, things happen.  Things may be said that we won't mean.  It's okay to have our moments.  It's okay to lose our temper on each other, and lash out.  We're not gonna be perfect all the time.  And I'm thinking of stress as an excuse.  And if I say so, then it's true.  What I say goes when it comes to stuff like this."  "Thanks for understanding and also making me understand and accept the fact that I'm gonna have days or moments like this."  "You're welcome!  I still see you as the man I love, and the one I will always love.  And I see a wonderful, caring man with a big heart!  And you're a really good man.  I'm lucky I'm gonna be the one that gets to grow old with you.  We will get through all arguments.  No matter how big or small.  We may need to separate ourselves for a bit like today.  But in the end, we will always make up."  I say.  He Starts to sob again.  "I'm lucky to have you to love me at my most unlovable!  And I am glad to grow old with you as well.  Thank you for choosing me to grow old with.  And I hope there aren't many more arguments.  There's nothing that hurts worse than arguing with you!  -35 out of 10, would NOT recommend."   Conan says.  "Ohhh, I know baby.  No one likes to argue with their significant other.  The reality is, we will get into plenty of arguments I'm sure.  But it will be okay.  Because we really love each other.  So we will stay together through it all."  I say.  I sit down sideways on the couch, and pull Conan in.  His stomach is against mine.  He just soaks my shoulder.  I rub his shoulder and back, trying to comfort him.  "It's okay, I love youuuu.  Remember that."  I say.  "I know, I love you toOOoo!"  He kinda coughs as he cries so hard, and his stomach and back goes up and down really quickly, because he was trying to catch his breath.  I stroke his back gently, up and down.  "Shhhhh..... Shhhhhh..... Calm down, baby.  It's all over."  "I know.  I just hate the fact I said those things.  I made you feel under appreciated.  You do not deserve that!"  Conan says, still sobbing into my shoulder.  He then turns his head sideways, and lays his cheek onto my boobs.  I rub his head, and rub my hands through his hair.  "Conan, Don't dwell on it.  Please.  I forgive you."   "I know.  It's just hard.  I've been telling you how amazing you are, then I said that shit out of nowhere!  I have no idea where that came from!"  Conan says. "It came from stress. But I get you've never even argued with me about anything. So of course you didn't expect that. And so it might be harder for you to get over. So I know I said stop, and don't dwell on it. But I'll let you cry it out. I just hate seeing you like this. But It's important that you let it out. Take as much time as you need. I'm sorry for telling you to stop crying. If you don't, you might still be upset tonight or tomorrow. And we don't want that." I say. "Yeah, it's definitely hard to get over. Because yeah, it did come by surprise. And it wasn't a fun surprise. I am gonna really take it to heart anytime I yell at you, at least for quite some time. Obviously people do argue as you said. So there might be many. It's just, this is the first argument, and it's from stress. I'll get used to it I guess. But I might always be upset. I don't know. Also, Don't apologize. You're the one that deserves an apology. I truly am sorry. My heart physically hurts. And my rib cage from guilt and sadness that I fricken yelled at you!" Conan says. "I feel so bad that you feel so bad. And yeah, I hope you're right. That eventually you kinda Just get used to arguing. Not in a bad way, like we'll argue often. But like, as in you'll accept that you Will lose your temper sometimes. And so will I. Although you'll be upset when you yell at me. And it's okay. I've already forgiven you. It's not a big deal. You've apologized countless times.  And I know. I feel that exact feeling. The physical pain. I typically feel everything another person feels." I say.  "Don't feel bad.  I started this whole thing.  But I appreciate you caring and your sympathy.  And I will try to work in accepting the fact I may lose my temper on occasion, beyond my control.  It's gonna take a lot of time though, to get used to it.  And I know.  For my own comfort though, and feelings, I need to keep apologizing until I feel better.  And I'm sorry you feel that pain!"  Conan says.  "Stop saying you started this whole thing.  That's the same as you saying you deserve to suffer in silence.  You do not deserve to be upset, or feel bad in any way.  But alright, I do understand the need to apologize as often as you feel.  So that's okay.  But, if you want me to stop feeling the same pain, you're gonna need that guilt pain to go away.  So just relax.  You can keep resting your face on my chest.  And as you Cry, I will rub your back.  And do other things to soothe you."  I say.  I rub his back in gentle circles. The pain in my ribcage started to slowly fade away. "You feeling better now? My pain is going away, slowly but surely." I say. "Yeah, I feel a bit better. Sorry again for being mean and yelling at you. I started a fight that didn't need to happen." Conan says. "It's okay. I love you. You know that, right?" I make sure. "Thanks for forgiving me." Conan says. He eventually falls asleep. I could hear his tiny snore. He is so cute. I took a video of him on Snapchat, and at the end of the video, I gave him a sweet kiss on the forehead and rubbed his head. I then captioned it "my baby has been upset, and we've been laying here for a good hour or so. He fell asleep on me.😊💖🥺💞😍🥰😘" I posted it. I know he won't mind. He always lets me post videos and pictures of him sleeping. 
     I ended up napping too for a bit.  I woke up before Conan though.  About an hour after I woke up from my nap, Conan wakes up.  "Hello.  Do you feel better after the nice nap?"  I ask.  "I feel okay.  I still feel bad about earlier.  But it's okay.  I'm sorry.  But I do feel so much better than I did when we were talking earlier.  Napping, with cuddles after an argument, helped tremendously!  I needed both cuddles and a nap."  Conan Says.  "Well good, I'm glad you feel at least a little better.  That's good.  We can lay here cuddling all day if you want."  I say.  "Yeah, that would be so nice!"  Conan says.  So we do.  It's so quiet.  Obviously there were times where the babies would cry to be fed and changed and bathed and all that.  Conan didn't like that.  He groaned every time.  Because he just wanted my full attention.  And I totally would give him all my attention.  But we've got other babies to care for too.  Not just him, being one of my babies.  He's my adult baby.  He got up to help take care of them.  Also, they were in the living room with us all day. We spent some time watching movies, cuddled up on the couch, until we went to bed later at night. "Goodnight, baby. I hope tomorrow will be much better for you. Today was a rough day on you, emotionally. I didn't like that. But tomorrow is a new day. So let's get a good nights sleep." I whisper. "Yeah, it was definitely rough. But it was better than it would have been, because I had you by my side all day. That helped. Thanks for giving me cuddles even though I totally didn't deserve it. I love you so much, I'm forever grateful for you." Conan says. "Hey, don't say you didn't deserve those cuddles. It may be true, but you needed cuddles. Besides, I know you didn't yell at me on purpose. You just have been stressed, which is a reason on its own to need cuddles. And the stress caused you to just kind of lose it. So whether you deserved cuddles or not, you needed it. It made you feel better. And I always am here for that. No matter what. I love you SO much, Conan." Conan becomes silent. When he doesn't respond right away to what I said, I ask "hey, are you okay? Why are you being quiet all of a sudden?" I ask, concerned. He tries to ease his breathing. So I say "ohh boy. Please don't cry anymore." I say. "I just feel bad. I shouldn't have yelled!  I had no right to do that!  I know you think otherwise.  I just don't feel I had the right.  And I'm sorry for crying again."  Conan says.  I sigh.  "No, sweetie.  That's okay.  I just wish you would stop Being so hard on yourself about it.  It's really not the end of the world.  And we made up.  We forgave each other.  Next step is for you to forgive yourself.  I guess you just need to deal with it in your own way.  If you have to cry for however long it takes, so be it.  That's okay." I say, cuddling him really closely. I continue comforting him until he falls asleep.