A Song of Silence

Chapter 46: A Realization in the Dark

By the time Karasi came to collect me the next morning for the daily meeting with the High Queen, I was already gone. I watched as she threw her arms up in exasperation and stormed out of my room from the castle wall. Pulling the eyeglass down from my eye, I smiled. Her frustration couldn't do anything but amuse me. Turning back to the city outside the castle, i theorized wheee I would go. I needed to be collect more herbs for Karasi's tincture. My stores were running low and it wouldn't do if I ran out when Larasi needed the tonic the most. Leaping off the wall, I hustled to Millie and set her off into a canter, heading off into the woods. My collecting didn't take long. The herbs were few and far between, but plentiful when I found them. It wouldn't be long until I would need more, but the remaining plants would be fully grown by then and be ready to pick once more.

I returned to the castle a few hours after I had left. Akilah greeted me with lots of licks and kisses and I grabbed her leash to take her on a walk. Noble ladies tittered at me as I walked by in my leggings and tunic, but I paid them no mind and instead spent my time enjoying the sunny day with Akilah.

I could sense Karasi's disapproval as she approached me from behind. She tapped her foot in derision behind me as I walked Akilah. Bracing myself for Karasi's yelling, I let her stew for a few seconds more before turning around and facing her disapproving expression. "Pray tell me, why you were not in your room this morning?" She says, trying to feign calmness even after her stiff muscles give her away.

I just shrugged and signed, gathering herbs.

"You could have sent a servant to do so!" She says, impatience and ridicule in every muscle.

The plants would be unusable by the time they returned because they pick them wrong. I sign simply. Before she can continue, I merely say, to be perfectly honest, I didn't want to be there. High Queen Sylvia was kind to invite me, but I refuse to waste my time there every morning and I can't stand the company of the tittering noble ladies that attend.

Karasi gapes at me before saying, "And how do you think I feel being there alone every morning. I can't stand them there either and neither can High Queen Sylvia. But I stay to keep her company and to keep an eye on the noble ladies and their scheming."

She's right, of course. I can't imagine that Karasi or anyone decent for that matter would want to spend time in that den of snakes. I'm sorry that I wasn't there this morning. I'll try to go more often, but I will only be hearing old news all morning and will be bored out of my mind.

"Old news?" Karasi asks questioningly.

I hear the news from the servants before it reaches there ears of the ladies at court every morning. I admit. I had been overhearing the news from my nightly sneak-abouts in the castle and from the news Melanie would tell me that she heard as she worked during her breaks from the healing academy. The servants would hear the plans of the noble ladies they served and I would hear the plans before the ladies had time to scheme the next morning. The information had served me well in stopping a fair amount of schemes that would be nothing but tedious for the inner court if they came to fruition.

Karasi pouts her lower lip, "Why haven't I heard about this before?"

Because I take care of the plans before they come about and some of my sources are quite frankly terrified of you. I admit reluctantly.

"But why? I am perfectly nice."

Yes, but there is an unfortunate stigma around seers that they know all your deepest darkest secrets. Fae don't want to tell confidential information to someone they are scared to death of. Karasi nods reluctantly to my explanation and before she can continue, I suggest, How about I'll go every other morning. And you have to train with me on those days as well. Karasi thought I haven't noticed her absences and lack of effort when we trained.

Karasi rubs her arm sheepishly, "I thought you didn't notice that. I just-well I don't feel like I am getting anywhere with this training."

That is my offer. Take it or leave it. The worst part of training is keeping to your regimen even when you feel as if you are getting nowhere. Karasi seems thoughtful at my words before she reluctantly nods and agrees to my terms. Thank the heavens, I wasn't looking forward to arguing with her anymore than I had to. Karasi and I talked for a few moments more before I made an excuse that Akilah was tired from our walk. Quickly walking back to my rooms, I hastily fed Akilah. I was impatient to see Azazel. I hadn't seen him in days and as reluctant as I was to admit it, I had missed his easy company and quick remarks. I hoped that kiss on the cheek hadn't ruined our friendship. I merely had wanted to thank him and I didn't think a thank you would suffice.

It was close to nightfall before I finally set out to go see Azazel. I hoped he wasn't busy. If he was I wouldn't bother him with my company. I was deathly silent as I rushed across the castle. A sense of excitement entered my body. As I got closer to Azazel's rooms. I noticed the lack of servants around it. Usually there was an abundance of manservant's, guards and maids alike bustling about. There were none. Just silence. Creeping in the shadows along the wall, i creep toward his rooms, but I was stopped by the whispering I heard up ahead.

"Is that what you would want, Lady!" A deeply seductive and familiar voice purrs.

"I've told you many times tonight to call me Roseline, Your Majesty." Another voice says back. Roseline Ice Summoner of the Istlean Ruins. I had not seen much of her these past few weeks. She had kept to herself mostly, only interacting with others in her attempts to seduce Azazel. I never thought her flirting would get anywhere. As it so happens, I guess I was wrong. Because there is not other male that would be called Your Majesty. Azazel was whispering to and flirting back with Roseline.

"Very well, Roseline, then I must insist for tonight that you call me Azazel." Azazel purrs back. I slowly creep closer to the two, listening to their flirting and hearing the quickening heartbeat of Roseline, all the while. Knowing I can go no further, I peek my head out of my hiding spot. Azazel and Roseline are in a rather passionate embrace, their faces merely inches from each other. It's obvious what is about to happen and I don't wish to be here when it does. Turning away as silent as I came, I rushed to the palace walls, content to see no more.

What hit me first was not anger or jealousy, but the tear that made its way down my face and the sadness that came along with it. What a fool I had been to develop something as foolish as feelings for him. Well not feelings exactly. I hadn't had the capacity to develop feelings for anyone in a long time, but I had come close to caring for Azazel. As close as I was capable of, at least. The other emotions hit later. The anger and the jealousy, which I should not have felt to the capacity that I did, but I did so anyway. The calm hit last. My killing calm. I didn't want Azazel dead. He was a perfectly fit Fae able to kiss or fuck anyone he wished. The killing calm came with acceptance. Acceptance that I should have developed long ago. Acceptance that Azazel was merely a friend who would never look at me the way I had rarely looked at another. With trust. I had looked at him as a fool and a simpleton would look at someone, with trust that they were safe.

I couldn't afford to look at Azazel, or anyone else for that matter, any longer. My decision was made. I needed to get out of the Capital city to realize what my trust had cost me. I would come back, I had to. But I needed time. Time to sort through what I felt and lock it away. Far away. I had been vulnerable once and it had led to the death of many people that I cared about. Not anymore. I went to my rooms and packed a few things. I didn't look back. I didn't need to. I would be back. But changed, oh yes, I would change.