A Song of Silence

Chapter 105: Disappointment in the Dark

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Azazel crouched next to me with his hand on my forehead and his brows furrowed in concern. "Aerilynn, what is wrong?" He asks, concern coloring his voice.

I push his hand away, "Nothing is wrong. But it took you long enough to get back.

Azazel repeats his previous question, "Aerilynn, you don't look so good. What is wrong?"

"It's my blooding, asshole!" I yell at him. As I stagger to my feet.

"Do you need anything?" He asks, concern still coloring his voice.

Surprised, it takes me a moment to find my words, "No, I told you, I am fine. I just rushed you were here days earlier so that I would have been saved a shit list of hassle."

An infuriating smirk appears on his face, "Missed me, firefly?"

I scowl at him as I snap, "Of course not. I just would have liked to not have waited two weeks for you here, that's all."

"Why would you wait for me here?"

Gathering up my courage, i square my shoulders and say, "So that I could say goodbye."

Azazel's smirk disappears off his face and he immodestly stiffens. "What do you mean say goodbye?" He asks carefully.

"I plan to be nomadic for a while now that I am in no immediate danger and have the ability to do so." I reply.

Azazel goes silent at my words, as hurt flashes across his face before he covers it. "So, after everything, you're just leaving, just like that?"

Trying to feign nonchalance, I say, "Yeah, just like that."

Azazel says nothing after that, merely studies me. I can practically feel his heavy gaze as it caresses each and every one of my curves. I refuse to meet his eyes as he does so. "Aerilynn, you seem different," he finally says.

I cock my head to the side, "Oh, how so?"

"You seem... cold and distant."

I shrug my shoulders, "Nothing has really happened since we last spoke, so I have no idea what you're on about."

"You're stagnant aren't you?" Ooo, points to the king. I hadn't thought that he would figure it out so quickly. "How long have you been like this?"

"A while."

"Aerilynn, how long!"

"I don't know!!" I yell back at him.

Azazel goes silent before responding, "So, you were just going to run away from your problems like you always do?"

"I'm not running away, I'm just..." my words stop as I realize that he is right. Running away is exactly what I am doing.

"Fleeing? Not facing your problems?" Azazel suggest helpfully. I glare at him as he continues to speak, "Stay here until you are no longer stagnant or better yet stay here just because."

"But why would you want me around? Now that you know the truth you should hate me." I ask.

"You were placed in an incredibly hard position and did everything you could to rectify your mistake. I do not hate you for your choice because as it turns out, it ended up making me a better king than I ever was before and it brought us together in the end. My father had made peace with the idea of his death king before he eventually died anyway and you had done everything to make his death painless, as well. I do not hate you and I hate myself for ever giving you the impression that I would because you had to make an impossible choice."

"But, I killed your father! A man you loved and who the people cared for greatly!" I protest.

"And my mother's choices resulted in the death of your adoptive mother, and yet you do not hate her nearly as much as you expect me to hate you." He replies.

"That's... that's different," I protest weakly.

"Is it?"

Refusing to admit that he is right, I try to change the subject, "Look, I just came to say goodbye, not talk over the past."

"And there you go again running, just like you always do," he snaps at me.

"For the hundredth time, I am no running from anything!"

"Yes you are!"

"No I am not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"Then pray tell, what am I running from!"

"Me!" His voice rings out and echoes around the room. My mouth opens and closes once more as my snide remark dies in my throat. "You are running from me because you are afraid to feel. I make you feel anything other than indifference and anger and you turn and run." He says, his voice now quiet. "Every time I think I am getting somewhere with you, you turn away. Any time I make you feel something, you shut that feeling down. And time I put out a hand, you grab hold and run away just as quickly. And for once, I am tired of holding out that hand, that lifeline, to you. I am tired of your denial and your fear and your constant need to push me away." He voice has gone faint at this point. It sounds tired and hopeless.

I say nothing because I know it will only be an excuse. Because deep down, I know he is right. I run when things get hard, when I start to feel. I run away, not because I am afraid for myself, but because I am afraid of myself. Of what will happen if I actually allowed myself to feel something, anything, for anyone. He is right and it shakes me to realize that he has been right all along. I had been taking his hand when I needed it, and taking mine away when he needed my help. How he does not hate me yet, I don't have a clue.

"Well?" He asks quietly, "aren't you going to say something?" What could be said. I am sorry wouldn't cut it. It never did because you knew that nobody ever meant it. I couldn't deny his claims because I knew they were true. So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I stayed silent. Time slowly ticked past and as it did so, I could feel his sadness mount with each passing moment. When he realizes I am not going to speak, he just sighs and turns around and walks out the door. Just before he leaves the room, he turns around and finally says, "If I really mean so little to you Aerilynn, then leave and don't come back. Don't bother saying goodbye either." With those parting words, he quietly makes his way out of my rooms.

Within nobody but me here, I collapse on the floor, absorbed in my own shame. I am a fucking coward. I should have said something. Just to make things right, but instead I stayed silent like the coward that I am. He was right on every account and instead of facing my fear and my past, I turned away as I always had done. I had turned away from him for the final time. He wouldn't be extending his hand towards me any longer. I did what I was good at and had pushed everyone away until they had utterly and truly given up on me. Until they had stopped extending their hands to help. What a fucking mess.

Gathering the last of my pride, I forced myself to not lay in a sobbing mess on the floor and think of something, anything to fix this. To do anything to repair the fractured remains of my relationship with Azazel and figure what to do with my miserable life afterwards. One hour at a time, that is what I would do. Almost as if on cue, Akilah barrels in and gives me a bunch of kisses. Once she has calmed down, I realize that she had just given me the perfect idea to make amends with Azazel.