New Desires

Chapter 34

After what my dad had said, I had been left feeling heartbroken. I know I really never had an emotional connection with him, but, I did always seek some sort of validation from him. I mean any kid does from an emotionally absent parent, right? And never getting that I guess.. I don't know. That night I texted my mother the video from Imogen's phone and hadn't heard back since. It's only been two days. I've been feeling down so Zara's been really attentive to me. Imogen and Jas have been showering me with love and affection, but, it just doesn't feel the same as If my dad had just accepted who I was. I don't get it. What's so wrong with me? Is it just me he doesn't love or is it just who I love? I've always wondered if I was just something for him to show off. I got amazing grades, I was 'picture perfect' to other parents, I had awards on top of awards and that just wasn't enough to get his attention- same goes for my mother's.

     I wrap my arms around Zara as we laid on the couch with Imogen and Jas on the chairs around us. I tapped back into reality when the movie ended and they looked over at me.

    "I'm fine guys." I drag out.

    "Just checking." Jas admits. "You guys wanna go out to eat?"

     "Where would we go?" Imogen asked.

     "You're the local! You tell us!" Jasmine responds.

     "Okay while you guys decide I'm gonna go take a shower." I responded, standing up and stretching.

    I'm trying to put on a brave front, but i know they can tell. And it pains me to have to pretend like this. I really just don't want the pity from them right now. On top of how my father reacted, What Lynx did to me was in the forefront of my mind. As soon as I got into the shower all of the questions I had tried to ignore hit me. What was gonna happen to him? Is he actually gonna get what he deserves? Why isn't anyone telling me anything? What's gonna happen now? For me? For Zara and me? My family?

I had been thinking of this the entire shower. Even after I stepped outside.. I took a look in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself. Nothing about me had changed, but, I felt completely different. I feel ashamed just looking at myself. Everything felt like a task now. Even just getting dressed right now I'm having to force myself not to crawl into bed and just.. stop existing. Lynx made me feel confused.. about who I was. Did I use him? Was it my fault he was hurt? I know it's not. I know he has some of his own insecurities to work out, but, he brought out the biggest fears I had hidden when I was processing the whole coming out. Since falling in love with Zara, I had to deal with the thoughts my anxiety filled me with. My father's reaction and Lynx's reaction were two of the main reasons I hadn't come out. I guess now, there's no reason to hide it but I do wish things hadn't come out. Not that way. It shouldn't have taken a sexual assault for me to tell my father. A sexual assault shouldn't have come at all and yet it did. And I have to deal with it.

A knock at the door came as I finished getting dressed and sat down on the edge of the bed. From behind the door appeared Jas with a smile plastered gently on her face.

"Hey pretty girl, How are you?"

"I'm fine." I responded quietly, looking down at my hands to stop the tears from coming. I know as soon as I look her in the eyes- or anyone, it'll come.

"I know I wasn't exactly there when things unfolded with Lynx," she shut the door quietly behind her and hurriedly came to sit by my side. "But I know how you feel."

"How?" I questioned as she took my hand in hers.

"Something happened to me awhile back." She begins. "I was around 19. So exactly your age. I just finished my second year of college. Zara and I went out clubbing and next thing I knew, there was a guy. I didn't initiate anything with him, but, he took it upon himself to include himself into our fun. Zara had gone to get us more drinks and he followed me to the table we were at with a friend of mine. After we got over there he kissed me out of nowhere and tried to reach his hand up my dress. I slapped him, but, I guess my rejection fueled something because he hit me back. When Zara saw she immediately did something. He got scared and ran off."