~Grow through what you go through.
Amyrah
I opened the door and went inside, expressionless and taking a moment to stare at each of them. "Assalamu Alaikum."
I could see the that the three of them sighed, glad that I hadn't heard them. If you guys can play, so can I. Without waiting for their reply I made a dash to my room.
Unwillingly tears made it's way out of my eyes. I was never the crying type. But today, I quietly sobbed. My face buried in my hands, my head pressed to my knees, my raged breath heavy, I cried alone. The sobs stifled at first as I attempted to hide my grief, then overcome by the wave of emotions I broke down entirely, my grief washed away in those salty tears.
It hurt seeing my family thinking negative about me. Ever since I was young, I too wished for love.
Love from my parents.
To laugh together with my family.
To shed a few tears together.
For someone to inquire about my career, about my health, about just anything, something.
To tell my parents 'I love you' before going to bed.
To give a sloppy kiss to my mama and papa before leaving for school.
To fight with my siblings.
For my papa to say 'You're my daughter, my pride.'
For my mama to say 'My daughter is naughty just like her mother.'
These wishes were something which I will never experience in reality, just in my dreams. My wishful thinking alone.
'Stop, stop' I chanted in my mind. After a few minutes I took a deep breath, performed ablution and prayed. Only my Lord will be able to help me.
***
After an hour of idle thinking, I came up with an idea to arrange and clean every part of my room.
Just as I was about to open my cupboard, I heard a knock.
I quickly looked at myself in the mirror, hoping that there was no trace to be seen that I've been crying.
I opened the door with a wide smile and saw Ammar near the door. I gestured him to come while I opened the door wider. He looked left and right, then quickly came inside closing the door behind him. It was clear that he didn't want anyone to know that he was inside my room.
"Oh, so now you're scared about what they'll think? They are not your parents Ammar, so don't let them control your life." I said bitterly.
"Listen Amyrah.. I am not here to fight. I know you heard what we were speaking.." he said raising his eyebrows.
How? I wanted to ask him, instead bit my lip and asked, "So..?"
"I assure you that nothing would happen against your will. I know you think they don't care for you, but they actually do. They love you, you know?"
"Yeah I know how much they do," I said sarcastically. "I am an expense and a burden for them, oh.. also a murderer right? I mean I killed their daughter."
He looked at me surprised. "Mom and dad didn't mean what they said, they just miss their daughter and anyway nobody knows what happened that day except you, so its obvious they would just assume things, anyone would... I mean.."
Nobody knows what happened that day except me. I am the reason for her death. That's what he's implying right?
"How cool, so now that's what you too think huh?" I asked.
"Like I said, I am not here to argue. I never once thought it that way, and you know that. It's just that mom and dad are going through a tough time, they are just frustrated." he said nonchalantly.
"Frustrated? Then why show their anger on me? Okay so I am not their daughter, but so aren't you right? Why do they not treat you like that? Why do you call them mom and dad, Ammar? Why? You are their son, aren't you!?"
With each word I said, my voice rang louder, my anger grew and when I looked at him, he looked guiltily at me and said quietly, "Yes."
"Yes?" I asked in disbelief. "What do you mean? You can't be. You're my brother, Ammar!"
"Yes. Yes I am their son. And you, you are-- "
"Don't! You lied.. You are not my brother! Then all these years.. you and papa said..a lie? Why..?" My voice broke.
"Please calm down. You are my sister Amyrah, let me tell--"
"Asthaghfirullah.. you are not my mahram. You are my cousin brother..."
"For Allah's sake stop it! Stop accusing me and listen first," he held my hand while I shook it off with a disgusted face.
"Get out, Ammar..please.." my voice broke.
"I'll be coming once you are in a better mood," he said with a tired look and left shutting the door quietly.
How many more secrets are being hidden from me?
Oh Ammar, I thought atleast you were my family, but now even you are not. How could I trust you and your family?
I had no strength to shed a tear, i was too exhausted. I opened my journal and started writing the first thing that came to my mind.
Mama,
I miss you mama ,
I really need you here with me,
By my side.
To hug and console me.
I think of you in silence.
I have no memories of you,
All I have is your picture in a frame, my keepsake.
With which I'll never part.
My Lord has taken you to Him,
While I have you in my heart.
I miss you mama,
Could you come back and stay
for a while?
I want to hear your voice
and see you smile.
I want to hold you tight
and never let you go.
I wish I could tell you how much
I love you.
I wait for the day,
We meet again.
With love beyond words,
Your own.
As soon as I wrote it, I felt much more sad. It felt like a little girl writing a letter to her mother in heaven, but I shouldn't be embarassed about it right? Because I'll always be mama's little girl.
I clasped the book in my hand and slept, hugging it.
Slept in my mother's arms.
A peaceful slumber.
☆☆☆
●Asthaghfirullah :- May Allah forgive me.
●Mahram :- In Islam, a mahram is a member of one's family with whom marriage would be considered haram (prohibited in islam) e.g. father, brother, sons..
but cousins are not mahrams.
A/N
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