You're Like Coming Home

61.

Their apartment was entirely too quiet. They had walked down the hall and up to their bedroom in complete and total silence, and Meredith had immediately locked herself in the bathroom, leaving Derek to change into his pajamas and anticipate what was to come as he nervously tapped his fingers against his stomach as he waited for her to come out of the bathroom.

When she finally opened the door and stepped into the bedroom, it was all Derek could do not to let the tears gall. He couldn't even remember the last time he had seen her in her own sweatshirt of pajama pants, having long ago taking to wearing his clothes to be, when they even bothered. But now, here she was before him wearing her own Columbia sweatshirt and a pair of Hello Kitty pajama pants. As stupid as it sounded, he felt like he was being punched in the gut, knowing that she was hurt and that was why she didn't want to wear his clothes to be.

"Meredith," he whispered.

"Don't," she shook her head. "Derek, I...you hurt me so badly tonight."

Tears filled Derek's eyes as he shook his head. "I never meant..."

"Let me talk," she insisted. "I know you didn't mean to, but you did, nonetheless. You didn't trust me, Derek, and you promised that you would always trust me. And it hurts me, it really truly hurts me to know that you think I would sleep with someone else. Especially my professor."

"I never said that," Derek insisted. "Meredith, you have to know that I would never believe that about you. It's him I don't trust."

"But it's the same thing," Meredith whispered. "You wouldn't have gotten so upset if you didn't think that I would do that."

"Mer," Derek breathed. "God, I love you more than anything in the world. How could you doubt that?"

"Love doesn't equal trust, Derek," she whispered. "And I thought you trusted me."

"It's not that I don't trust, you, because I do," Derek insisted. "With every bone in my body, every ounce of my soul....I trust you."

"Then why did you blow up like that?" Meredith asked. "Derek, you've seen other guys hit on me before. And I know you don't like it, because Lord knows I hate when girls hit on you. But he wasn't hitting on me. He wasn't even flirting with me."

"That right there," Derek replied. "That's what bothers me. Meredith, you don't even see it."

"Now I'm stupid?" Meredith asked. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're just paranoid?"

"I have a right to be paranoid, someone's been stalking you," Derek snapped. "And don't put words in my mouth. You've been doing it all night, and I hate it when you do that."

Meredith sighed as she slid under the covers. "I don't want to fight again," she said. "Let's just...go to sleep."

Derek inhaled sharply. "Meredith," he whispered. "I love you."

He heard her inhale a shaky breath, and the four words that came out of her mouth next might as well have been a knife in his chest. "Go to sleep, Derek."

Tears filled his eyes as he turned on his side, trying to remember the last time they had gone to bed without saying that. In the back of his head, he knew that they'd always said those three words before bed, no matter how angry they were at each other, and he couldn't ignore the pain he felt as he wondered what her silence meant for their future.

XXXXX

Meredith felt numb as she made her way down the stairs the next morning. Derek had already been out of bed when she'd woken, and she'd spent a good amount of time staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell had happened the night before.