Surviving Cancer

Tuesday, November 7 Cont'd

MACI POV

"It was nice of you to come today." My mom told Jared as we sat in a consultation room at the hospital.

"No problem." He said flashing a small smile.

I could tell he was uncomfortable, nervous even. We were meeting with Dr. Hildebrand to discuss the results of my bone marrow biopsy and aspiration, what our options were, and what would be the best way to continue. It wasn't common practice for people who weren't immediate family to attend these sort of talks but my parents had always been very willing to let me decide who went to my appointments. This was the first time I had ever brought anyone. I stood from my chair, peeling the gloves off my hands before balling them up and stuffing them in my coat pocket.

"I'm going to use the bathroom before this all gets started." I muttered.

Leaving Jared with my mom, waiting for the doctor, was probably not the coolest thing to do but I hated days like this. Where we had to sit down and discuss my latest symptoms and what they meant, whether my cancer had decided to continue it's trek of wreaking havoc on my body or stay put for a moment to let everyone think there was a glimmer of hope. So I took a selfish moment to take a short walk. I watched myself put one foot in front of the other as I walked down the quiet halls. I had this wing of the hospital memorized. There was a loop of hallways that went passed an outside sitting area. It took about 15 minutes to walk at a leisurely pace which meant if I walked like I had somewhere to be I'd make it back just in time probably. I picked up my speed so I could stop and stare at the winter wonderland that had taken over Michigan over the night. There had been snowflakes already but nothing that had stuck. I was excited for my first big snow even if I hated the fact that as soon as the door cracked, the house frosted over and the snot in my nose froze my nostrils shut. In Florida I thought forty was beyond freezing but these days in the teens had me grasping at straws on how people survived Michigan winters. I reached the windows that opened the hospital up to what was once a beautiful green garden. Now it was various shades of neutrals as the snow covered the dead grass, the brown trees, and the cement walkway. The snow though was beautiful even if everything it covered was dead. The way it twinkled in the sunlight, the way it fell in these perfect layers untouched by everything but the wind. It was like a new beginning; this innocent and beautiful white covering all the footsteps from the previous seasons. I moved my gaze closer, staring at my reflection. I barely recognized myself. I was gaunt, my eyes looked big because my skin was sunken around them, my clothes hung off me. I looked like a person that was dying, not like the 16 year old I should be. I knew I had to get worst before I could get better but I didn't look like a person that was on that path. I just kept looking even more frail. I let out a sigh, cocking my head to the side before sighing and heading back to the room. I picked up my pace even though I knew my lungs would start to panic at thought of any real exercise. The faster I walked, the tighter my lungs became and the shallower my breath was but I had to make it back in a reasonable time. When I reached the door I waited a second outside to catch my breath so my mom wouldn't know exactly how bad my breathing had gotten over the past few weeks. I leaned against the wall forcing myself to breath in through my nose. I jerked myself upright as I heard the door to the room click.

"Oh hey, I was just coming to find you." Jared said.

I nodded my head, "I just wasn't ready to come back in yet."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. He rested his chin on top of my head. "It's gonna be fine."

I was overly aware that my chest was still rising and falling quicker than normal. Pressed against Jared, I knew he'd be able to feel it.

"Are you out breath?" He asked, pulling back to study me. "From walking to the bathroom and back?"

I shook my head. "I didn't go to the bathroom. I went for a walk and realized I was taking too long and tried to hurry back. It's no big deal."