Surviving Cancer

Friday, January 19

LEVI POV

I wiped my hands on my jeans. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe that I had agreed to do this, why couldn't it have been anything other than this. I ran my hand over my hair, comforted by the velvet feel. I just kept thinking about what Jared had said. After he gave me back the speech I realized he wasn't talking about physical strength. And now I was even more scared.

I walked out onto the court, the bleachers full of students. My boots squeaked against the floor. I tried to take a deep breath but my chest was tight. I reached the microphone, my gaze down the entire time. I wasn't ready to face anyone. I put Maci's speech on the little podium, glancing to the side where I had been waiting at. I wasn't really sure who I was looking for but I was hoping someone would be there.

I cleared my throat, not that it did anything to help me out. I could feel a layer of swear bead up across my skin. Everyone was quiet, waiting, for me. It was enough to make a guy puke, not that I had managed to eat anything so far. I looked over at the side again, no one was there but the principal and Ms. Chilson.

"Uh, hi." I said into the microphone. My voice sounded foreign to my ears as it bounced back at me from the speakers. I cleared my throat again, trying to get my chest to relax. "For...for those that don't know me, my name is Levi."

My hands were shaking like a leaf and all of my instincts were telling me to run.

"My sister is Maci." I let out a strangled breath, trying my best to keep my voice level. "And this is something that..ah..that she wrote."

I shook my head, I couldn't do this. I didn't want to know what was in the speech. It was all too soon, still happening. Just because she had almost made it through the 30 days incident free and was probably coming home soon there was still so much that could go wrong. We weren't out of the clear yet. I couldn't stand here. I couldn't read the speech. The crowd waited for me. I just kept shaking my head. The door to the gym clicked open, the crowd rustled as people looked at who entered late. I followed suit, a small part of me hoping it was Maci even though I knew that it wouldn't be. My eyes met Jared's, I must have looked confused because he shrugged. He leaned against the wall, folding his arms across my chest. He was clearly waiting for me to continue too.

I turned back to the speech, the words swam across the page. I cleared my throat, running my hand over my hair again.

"So uh, here goes." I muttered.

My heart was hammering in my chest and I was cursing myself for wearing a long sleeve shirt. I shook my head again, in slight disbelief that I was still standing at the podium.

"I looked up the definition for "life" the other day." I read. "Mostly because I wanted to know..." I blew out a breath. "What the world defines life as. But also because I wanted to define it myself." My plan had been to find Emma in the crowd and read it to her. But instead I found myself glancing over at Jared. "So I looked it up and the Merriam-Webster definition of the word "life" is:

1
a :  the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body
b :  a principle or force that is considered to underlie the distinctive quality of animate beings
c :  an organismic state characterized by capacity for metabolism (see metabolism 1), growth, reaction to stimuli, and reproduction"

I paused, mostly because my heart was running a marathon in my chest and I wasn't sure if I was still breathing. I wiped my hand across my forehead, an attempt at keeping the sweat from running down my face. I stared at the paper in front of me, hoping so bad that it was a short speech. I cleared my throat yet again, gearing up for the next bit.