Surviving Cancer

Thursday, November 16 Cont'd

MACI POV

"I can't help it." Jared said, when I just looked at him, wide eyed and innocent.  He shrugged.  "Well maybe I don't want to either."

I blinked.

"You had to kind of know it was coming." He continued, glancing at me every couple seconds.  "I mean how could I not?"

I blinked.

"Are you okay?" Jared asked.

I blinked again this time though it was accompanied with my mouth dropping open and then closing when I realized I had no words to say.

"I'm not expecting you to say it back, if that's what you're thinking." He said.  "I actually had no intentions of probably ever telling you."

I kept staring at him; my mouth opening and closing wanting so badly to speak but my brain just couldn't process his words let alone language.  The only thing I was capable of doing was blinking, apparently.

"I'm sorry." He looked at me before turning his eyes back to the road and shaking his head.  "No never mind, I'm not sorry.  I can't help it and I don't want to either.  I love you Maci.  I think you're unbelievably amazing."

"Jared... I..." I managed to mutter.

"No don't.  I know what you're going to say."  He let out a sigh.  "Something like, 'I can't, you know that.  I might not make it and even if I do it's going to be a long road and you should be off living life' or something along those lines, right?" 

I half shrugged my shoulders.  He basically took the words out of my mouth.  It was true though.  My future was just as uncertain as his but unlike his there was a level of certainty in it.  It was going to suck.  Bad.  And there was a certain guarantee that my survival was uncertain. I refused to be selfish and ask him to go through it with me just for me to turn around and die on him.  I couldn't imagine what another death would do to him.  He might just close up again.  Or he might just fall apart.  Or worse yet, both.

"Well I don't care.  And I don't care if you ever say it back but I want you in my life for as long as you can be.  I've never been more sure of anything."

The car came to a stop at a light, Jared looked over at me his blue eyes fiercely determined.  His jaw was clenched tight, the muscles in his cheeks taut.  His lips were pressed into a firm line.  I had a feeling I wouldn't be changing his mind.  And maybe he was right, maybe it wouldn't hurt him as much but if he needed to walk away at any point I'd let him.  I'd have to.  You can't be selfish when you're dying.

"Even more sure than how attractive you are?" I finally asked my face completely straight.

His face instantly relaxed, that easy smile pulling at his lips.  "Well that too."

I laughed through my nose, shaking my head as I smiled. I wasn't really sure how we were going to navigate the road ahead of us.  I mean I had just broken up with his ex best friend who now might be his best friend again all while being the one who helped them become best friends again.  I also wasn't sure I wanted another boyfriend; the seriousness of it didn't seem so serious when it was stacked against cancer. If cancer had it's way with me I wouldn't be getting married, or going to college, I probably wouldn't even graduate.   So having a boyfriend wasn't really all that important unless I wanted to murder someone's heart on my way out.

"Hey wait." Jared said.  "You think I'm hot?"

I pinched my eyebrows together for a second.  "I didn't say you were hot."

"Attractive, whatever.  They're the same. Were you being serious?" He asked.

I smiled, "I technically never said I thought you were attractive."