Rosie's Thorns 🥀|18+|🥀

53 | Fight

If This is Goodbye - Britton

《¤Rosie¤》

I'm not okay. It's something I've had to come to terms with over this past week. As much as I want to be, I doubt I will ever be okay ever again. There are times I drift off and I can't seem to find a firm grasp on reality. Multiple doctors, counseling sessions, and medications, yet none of it seems to have fixed the problem. I want to be okay. I want to be stable. I want to fix it.

I want to be normal.

Something broke inside of me and I don't know how to put the pieces back together. I'm free. I know I am. I can see that. I can feel that. But there's a piece of me missing. A piece of me I left behind. Every time I close my eyes, I see myself back in that bedroom. I feel his hands on me. I hear his voice calling me back to him.

My hand twitches and I watch it with my lips firmly pressed together. I suck in a slow steady breath and release it as I look up. A chill has settled in my bones and it has left a tingling sensation in its wake that I can't seem to escape.

I hate the medication they've recommended me. It makes me feel numb and empty. It dulls my emotions until I can't feel anything. I'm a robot just going through the motions. Everyone flutters around me trying to fix me, but no one can. Any hope I had has become a faint memory. It's a sensation that barely registers.

"When we get home we'll order pizza. Does that sound good?" Hana turned to me with a smile on her lips. It didn't reach her eyes.

I'm hurting them.

My eyes flicker to Dominic as he stands by the door, a plastic white bag in his hand with the hospital logo on the front. His eyes are focused on the white floor tiles as he waits for Hana and I.

"Okay." I mumble as I slip my feet into a pair of sneakers Hana bought for me.

She sighed, but didn't say anything. It wasn't lost on me how Dominic took a step back when I stood, his large frame crowding the doorway as he shifted away. It's been a week since I was admitted. Three days before they decided I could be released today. Two days since they found a medication to muddle my thoughts and emotions.

I just feel tired.

Hana quickly stepped in front of me, creating a barrier between Dominic and I. I'm torn between being grateful to her and annoyed with myself. There's a line drawn in the sand and it's killing me. I want him. I want to hug him. To hear his voice. I want what we had before everything...

But there's something wrong with me. The thought of a man touching me... it flips a switch in my mind. My survival instincts kick in and I don't have any control over it. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a dream fighting for my life, then when I wake up I can't breathe or there's blood beneath my fingernails. Reality and my fears have blurred together until I can't see the thin line separating them.

I hate this. I hate what I've become. They dance around me as if I'm fragile. They are careful with what they say and watchful of my every move. I'm a risk. I'm a mental case they have to take care of.

I'm a burden.

I follow loosely behind them down the hall with my arms wrapped firmly around myself. My pace was slower from the boot and I turned down the wheel chair option. I find myself watching people, searching their faces for one that's familiar. He's alive. It's a thought that echos endlessly throughout my mind like a constant reminder. Every face I see, I'm looking for him. It's only a matter of time before he shows his face again.

They split in front of me at a pair of silver elevators. I watch Dominic slip into one and I stop for a moment, even as Hana wave for me to follow her into another. He looks up as he hits one of the buttons on the panel and our eyes lock. There's a sadness in them and if I could feel, it would have made my heart hurt. I'm sure of it. He tears his eyes away and looks to the floor as the doors slide shut.