Spade (MxM)

Chapter 59

Spade

I kept going after stacks and stacks of paper as my eyes were already feeling heavy on their own, like my lids were carrying a heavy weight that prevented them from staying open on their own.

I ran a tired hand down my face as I tried to clear the heaviness in my eyes, I let out a deep breath as I tried to make sense of the paper in front of me.
I could feel the tiredness in my bones, everything ached in my body but I couldn't go to sleep, not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't.

I was here working non stop, not because I needed to but because I had to, I couldn't bring myself to fall asleep, for fear of overthinking everything.
I had never been one to overthink things but recently I found myself doing that a lot, and it was kind of affecting me.
I shut my eyes, feeling my head ache with a strong pain, it felt like a rope was tied around my head and being pulled in so many direction.

All this thoughts was because of one person.
Small pale hands, pink perfect lips, brown honey, evening sun eyes, everyday I found new things about him that fascinated me.
I'm not gonna lie but when he agreed to think about coming to work for me, I felt relieved and happy, I thought he'd reject immediately because of all the shitty things I did to him, even though I didn't mean half of it.

My mind kept drifting back to him and everything about him, I wasn't gonna lie to myself now, even if I wanted to.
My whole body itched for him, I want him, and it was glaring to me now, more than it was before.

But one thing kept replaying in my head, I'm not gay, so why the fuck do I want Nathan so bad?
I've always been attracted to women, sexually or otherwise, women were my go to people, so why Nathan?
What was so special about him that he brought out this side of me?

Made me wanna explore it, made me wanna know more, made me itch to know more, to wanna try and understand this feeling.
Strange as it is, it was sweet and exciting.
And it made my whole body ache with want and itch for more.

I could almost feel the touch of skin on mine, the electrifying feeling, the tingles, the slight parting of his lips that he always does without knowing it, the way his eyes always moved.
All the tiny things he did that he barely even noticed himself.

At first I kept asking myself why I was always thinking about him, then I convinced myself with time that I was only worried he'd be a threat, and then asking Matteo to keep an eye on him, even though he didn't seem like a threat, and then it was the fact that he was supposed to be my brother in law, and I kept giving myself excuses upon excuses that made me want to see him, to talk to him, to even have him in the same room as me.

And even till this very moment I was still making excuses for myself to see him everyday, hence asking him to come work for me, I know I said I wanted to protect him and yes I do but deep down I knew that was not the only reason why I wanted him to come work for me.

There was something about Nate that kept pulling me to him, something deep down was telling that there was more to him than the innocent, lost look in those brown eyes, and I was getting this strange itch to find out what it is.

The look of fear in his eyes that night, something tells me it didn't just come because of what I did, it was more than that, like something he was used to feeling, the look in his eyes felt like what happened that day wasn't a first for him, it wasn't just fear, it was terror and it wasn't fear of the unknown, it looked more like a fear that he had grown overtime.

And it didn't sit well with me, looking into his eyes that night, seeing the fear and terror in them because of what I did, it made guilt settle somewhere deep inside my chest, it made everything in me burn with a strange sinking feeling, he was the one experiencing what I was doing but I was the one feeling the pain.
It felt like someone had taken a knife and stabbed me somewhere deep inside my heart and it was bleeding.