BELL THE CAT (COMPLETED)

[BTC-23]

Hatalla.

I felt really hollow. I had no idea what to do or how to act; in short, I felt empty.

"Terus? Kamu mau diem aja?"

Gue menaikkan pandangan, menatap Katon yang kini duduk di seberang meja. "Maksudnya?" Gue sama sekali nggak mendengarkan apa yang Katon bilang sebelumnya. "Sorry, but I'm really not focused right now. My mind is jumbled." Tangan gue bergerak menjambak rambut, seakan apa yang gue lakukan bisa meredakan pusing dan rumit di kepala gue sekarang.

Dari tempat duduk gue, bisa gue dengar Katon menghela napas panjang dan setelahnya kami sama-sama diam.

Hari ini, gue sengaja meminta Katon untuk bertemu sebelum dia kembali ke Wellington. Setelah apa yang terjadi akhir-akhir ini, gue butuh menceritakannya ke seseorang yang gue percaya dan gue pikir Katon adalah salah satu orang yang bisa gue ajak bicara dan gue mintai solusi saat ini.

Masih sambil menjambak rambut, gue memejamkan mata dan mencoba mengatur napas gue yang tiba-tiba aja berubah berantakan. "I was confused about myself. I wasn't sure what was going on in my relationship with Reni." Itu yang gue katakan pertama kali setelah berhasil menenangkan sedikit hati gue.

"In the end, you hurt each other, right?"

Dengan perasaan berat hati, kepala gue mengangguk. "I hurt her, and worse, I consciously did it to satisfy my ego, which was hurt because of her." Untuk mengutarakan kalimat ini aja, gue harus menahan ringisan sakit yang gue rasakan saat membayangkan posisi gue ketika menjadi Reni sekarang.

"Dari awal aku sudah aku sudah bilang soal ini, 'kan, La? You have to think it through carefully because there have been many things that haven't worked out in your relationship since the beginning. If you had understood everything before today, perhaps you and Reni could have avoided hurting one another compared to what you are doing now."

Mata gue semakin memejam erat, merasakan sakit dan sesak lagi di dada gue saat Katon bicara barusan.

"I should have quit long ago, right? But how can I stop and give up if I still believe our relationship can be fixed? I don't want anyone else; I only want Reni!" Itu yang gue pikirkan selama ini, sampai semalam gue mendengar sesuatu yang menyakiti gue dari bibir Reni sendiri.

"I understand. I and the others can tell that you genuinely love Reni and care for her; otherwise, things would be different, La," ucap Katon yang membuat gue membuka mata dan mengarahkan tatapan gue ke arahnya. "Kalau kamu nggak cinta dan cuma sekedar suka, sudah lama kalian putus. I know you well, La. You are not the type of person who enjoys being ruled and controlled by others, yet in your relationship with Reni, you were willing to do so for many years.

"You did it all because you wanted to keep your relationship with Reni. You're frightened of losing her, which is why you've managed to hold onto it. You love her, and we all know it."

Kepala gue refleks mengangguk, membenarkan semua yang dikatakan Katon. If I hadn't loved Reni so much, I wouldn't have made it this far.

Gue meraup wajah gue kasar di depan Katon yang fokus memperhatikan gue, "But Reni said something else, and strangely, I couldn't deny it," ucap gue, kembali merasai sakit yang sama di dada gue.

Reni bilang apa?" tanya Katon cepat.

"She said I was different. I wasn't the one who loved her; she knew that sort of thing, and I could only remain mute. I was also perplexed since I found myself acting strangely when I knew Reni needed me."

Dan ingatan malam itu, malam di mana gue cuma bisa duduk di sebelah Reni tanpa melakukan apa-apa kembali memenuhi gue.

Jujur, dada gue sesak, gue juga sakit dan keluar dari kamar tamu yang ditempati Reni, gue nggak berhenti nangis. Bahkan sampai Narendra, Algis, dan Katon menjemput gue, gue nggak bisa berhenti merasa bersalah dan sakit hati atas perlakuan gue ke Reni.