This isn't something I normally do but I feel like some of you need to hear it. It's not a story I typically do bc this one is about me.
I remember it started in elementary school, really early in my life. I was always a happy kid. I wanted everyone to smile and I was so full of life. That's when I started getting told "you laugh too much" I didn't know laughing was a bad thing. Things like "you laugh at everything" "you're stupid why are you laughing" became something I heard everyday. So I stopped.
I was also and still am pretty heavy. So fat jokes started early too. Especially in middle school. I was told I was ugly and fat and no one would want me. A kid in my gym class once told everyone I should get an award for largest penis. I'm a girl....
My biological father was never in my life. I spent the first several years without a dad at all. Then my mom married my step dad and things were good for a while. Until he lost his job and started to verbally abuse me. He made me feel worthless and unloved. That's never something I girl should feel from her father. Then they separated my sophomore year of high school. I didn't talk to him for almost a year. Two fathers abandoned me. I've never had a boyfriend bc I scared that they'll leave like most men in my life do.
Middle school is hard for everyone. That was no exception for me. I started to notice my depression about 7th grade so at 13. I thought at suicide more then a little girl should. I use to get pushed down in the hallways and pushed into lockers. Kids would shout things at me telling me I was ugly and stupid in class when I would raise my hand to answer questions with the teachers standing there and they would never do anything. So I stopped talking.
Right before high school I had two friends that I was very close with. A boy and another girl. I was naive. I didn't see them start to like each other. The boy and I were really close. I had feelings for him too. He was kind of my first love. One day the girl stopped talking to me and I didn't know why. The guy and I talked for a while but then they started dating. One night he called me and told me he couldn't be friends with me anymore. He said he didn't want to hurt me so he had to leave. I never heard from either one of them again. I started high school with absolutely no friends.
I ate lunch by myself mostly. I had tried cutting before but I never could find something that worked. Then I met a girl. She was broken and sad and I wanted to save her. I couldn't save myself. She took me to places I didn't know where possible. She introduced me to popping razor blades out and using those. So I did. I started cutting when I was 15 and I still did even into this school year in college.
This girl became my whole world. I didn't realize how toxic she was to me and how she wasn't helping my steadily growing depression. She'd suck the life out of me and I would always be there to save her but she was never there for me. So even though I had someone j was still alone.
I have always been in choir and I stared doing musicals in high school as well. I really clicked with the music kids. Well this girl didn't like how much time I spent in practice. So she would stop talking to me and make me feel bad for being happy. Eventually I met my two best friends. This girl did not like the fact that I had other friends. Eventually I stopped talking to her and was able to lift some weight off of me.
My sophomore/jr. Year I was in this youth group at church where I met a boy I really liked. But he liked my best friend. My best friend has blonde hair and blue eyes and she's beautiful. I have brown hair and brown eyes and I'm biracial. Far less attractive apparently. I introduced them bc he wanted me to and he told me he liked her. That really upset me. We spent a lot of time together but he still wanted my best friend that he knew nothing about. He told her once that he liked her and she turned him down. He then went on to say that no one ever liked him and how hard it was. I told him that wasn't true bc I really liked him. He told me he can't help his feelings and they weren't for me. Heartbreak number two
He continued to use me to get to her until I put a stop to it. I stopped talking to him but she didn't. She kept talking to him which really hurt me. This kid was awful to me and my best friend didn't have my back. This comes back into play later.
My senior year was the worst. There was this boy (there's always a boy) who really liked my best friend but she didn't like him. He got really close to me. This kid was charming and funny. He knew all the right things to say. But he was manipulative. He had his hooks in me so deep I couldn't leave. Him and my best friend would fight all the time and I was stuck in the middle. He started to tell me my best friend was saying bad things about me behind my back and that she was secretly dating that boy I didn't like just to hurt me. At the time j had no reason to no believe him. Little did I know he was telling her lies about me too. At the beginning of my senior year I lost my best friend to a lie.
That was the first time I tried to commit suicide. I went home after school and I said goodbye to my mom and anther friend of mine. I cut my wrists and was about to down a bottle of sleeping pills when my friend came beating on my door. She stopped me. My family came after that and talked me down. I was never the same.
My mom now believed that I had depression. She did the mom thing where she told me it was a phase and I'd just grow out of it. I had a little support now. I finished high school just fine. But college was worst.
When I chose my college I knew I wanted to work with horses. In ridden most of my life and horses are my therapy. We have an equestrian team here at the college I chose and the major I wanted. I still wanted to do choir but I could do that and be on the team. So I chose the team. When we moved in I went to the barn to talk to the coaches. Going back to the weight thing I was worried about it. They told me I'd be fine. Twice I asked them if my weight would be a problem and both times they told me I would be ok. The day we started riding they told me I couldn't ride bc I was too heavy. In front of the whole team. I was humiliated. Cutting began again. I stayed on the team for several months until I couldn't take it anymore and I quit.
So what happened to liar boy you might ask? He was still there expect now he was verbally and mentally abusing me. He told me my depression was made up and that I was living my life wrong and that no one would ever want to deal with me bc of how I was. I believed him. That night was the second time I tried to commit suicide. I was suppose to meet my RA for dinner. When I didn't show up she came looking for me. She found me before left. I was going to run my car off the road and end it. I ended up in the hospital after that.
Things should've gotten better after that right? Wrong. I had these two roommates that I've talked about before. The ones that made fun of me for liking one direction. That's not all they made fun of me for. I'm a nerd and a tom boy. I like video games and books and being outside. I don't wear make up I don't care about clothes but these girls did. They made fun of me for playing video games and just being me. I believe and still do that there is something wrong with the way I am. I wasn't even allowed to be me.
Flashing forward to this year then end of last semester I had a breakdown. I cut too deep scaring myself and my mom. The two other girls that were nice to me stopped talking to me after that. I almost dropped out of school.
Now everything is good. I've found that being on here and seeing your guys positive comments on my stuff gives me hope. The point I'm trying to make here is I know some of you guys are going through stuff too. This is kind of a response to something I read by someone else. I'm not gonna call you out but I just want you to know you aren't alone. None of you are. If you ever need anything. Or just someone to listen come find me. We can to it together. Your lives are important. Don't ever think that they aren't. With that being said happy Friday my darlings. If nothing else I care about each and every one of you who reads these stories. I will always be here for you.
