hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 12

I know I said I won't write author notes but this one is quite important:

First of all thank you for everyone making covers and sending them to me, I liked them all but I could only choose one!

Second, a lot of you wanted to know what songs I listen to while writing. I think I'll just write them at the beginning of every letter. If you have some good songs just comment and I'll try to listen to them!

Thank you and now enjoy reading!

Songs:

Everytime We Touch (slow) - Cascada

You & I - One Direction

Give me Love - Ed Sheeran

Dear Daisy,

Today I woke up lying on the bathroom floor. I lost so much blood that I fainted. I know, it sounds disgusting and horrible but I cut at the wrong place. I think I'll stop the self harm for a while, or at least I try to. I became kind of addicted to the pain. It makes me feel so alive. But what happened yesterday was like a hit from reality. What I do is dangerous. Daisy I fainted and no one came to help me. Because there is no one who cares about me. Nobody gives two shits if I am ok or not. Lying on the floor all night and having no one to help me hit me hard. Right in the chest. It made me cry actually. I became so weak since you passed. I never used to cry or even whine back in the days but now, I don't seem to do anything else than that.

All I want is to have my old life back. To have you and everything you bring, the happiness, the joy and the love. I smiled an hour straight when you were with me. We laughed so much that our stomachs hurt. I remember that one day when we were in the city looking for something nice to wear. Then this woman came and ran into us. She told us that she needed people for a wedding, remember when we went to a wedding of people we didn't know at all? We laughed because no one there knew them, they didn't invite their family and got married in the middle of the streets of London. Random people pretended they knew them and invited speeches and we all sang songs. That was a really funny day, and I'd do anything in the world to relive it. Not because of the laughs or the fun, because of you Daisy. Everything we did was perfect just because it was you and me, together.

Today, I went outside to do some groceries shopping. I felt so uncomfortable, not because I am not used to see other people, because under my long sleeve shirt are scars on my arms and under the pokerface are tears in my eyes and deep under my chest is a broken heart. I pretend everything is ok when I look in peoples eyes and pay for the food I bought, but nothing is ok. Regardless the fact that you are gone, everything else is breaking down as well. Jake, my parents, my problems, my job, it's just too much for me. This isn't how life should go, people shouldn't be alone and sad, crying their eyes out. Why did god create hearts? People these days don't love anymore. Why do people have arms when they don't use them to hug each other? Why are everyone's intentions bad when they could be good? What happened to the world? It's so cold now that you aren't here anymore. Not in general but in my life. It's like there is no sun and no blue sky, you always taught me to see the good things in life, you taught me to be secure and to see the breathtaking in things. I could go in a black hole, and with you I would see the beauty that black contains and how wonderful holes are. You would say Harry, look closely. That always was my favourite thing about you Daisy. You were so real and happy. You made me smile and most of all you made me a better person, you said that I would get ill if I don't smile and enjoy things, you said that I should be happy just because I get the chance to live. You always said things that made me think about how the hell I deserved you, I never understood why you chose me over all the men in the world. You could have one without tattoos and bad attitude, someone your parents would have liked and accepted. You could have someone without a dark past and someone with less issues than me. But you chose me, over all those perfect boyfriends, you chose me. And you made the person I am today. You created that emotional and kind person I sometimes can be. It all happened because of you. I mean 6 years ago I would have never thought about proposing to someone or even loving someone. But you changed my view on things. You made me realize a lot Daisy.

And you have no idea how hard it was for me to realize that our time on earth is past.

I love you Daisy