hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 42

please vote and comment :) x

don't - ed sheeran

Dear Daisy,

Yesterday I've been at your parents, as I told you. Also was yesterday a very sad day, because you died six months ago. 

That was the main reason why your parents invited me, because the wouldn't want me to spend such day all alone in my ice cold flat that I still haven't gotten used to.

Your mother said that there was something she wanted to show me, so she did and I am still not over it.

She said that a few days ago she walked up to your old bedroom again, like she sometimes does when she misses you very badly. She said that she finally wanted to look through a few more stuff of yours. She also felt bad because she didn't like going through your stuff without your permission, but that's the only way to get a bit more information that you have never shared with anyone. 

So she opened another box and found pictures, some framed ones, some quite ruined ones. Those pictures were old pictures of me. Only pictures of me. There were about forty pictures of me and every single one has a date on it and a name. 

11.5.2011 from Jack

I suppose you got the picture from Jack on that day, which means that you must have asked him if he maybe has some old pictures of me, his best friend. Which means that you talked about me when I wasn't with you, which should feel very normal actually but it doesn't. I feel honored, proud that you used to talk about me with people while I was not with you. I was on your mind without even knowing it and it makes me happy in a way, because you too, used to be on my mind all day, even when we were not together. You were always in my mind and you never left, never. 

That's what your mother showed me yesterday, pictures of me from school and pictures of me at parties, at tattoo parlors and pictures of me while I was getting wasted or when I was simply walking on the street. 

But the thing is that in between those pictures you put little notes in there too. You wrote things like I fell in love  or Isn't he pretty.

You are making my heart melt Dase, it seriously is melting away because you are so fucking damn cute and it hurts so much that you are gone because I want to kiss you and I want to hug you and tell you how much you mean to me. Life sucks because you were the only person I genuinely cared about in my whole life, and out of all the people that the gods could have taken away from me, it had to be you and I don't even want to get over it and stop crying. 

I want to keep crying and being sad and I want to think of you every second of the day. I want to smell your things when I'm at your parents and I want to look you in the eyes only one more time, then I want to kiss you and tell that I love you more than words could ever say. I want to hold your hand one more time and squeeze it and pretend that I would never let you go. 

I want you, Daisy, so, so damn badly.  And I won't ever have you again, and this, exactly this is the reason I am so broken, because you can't fix a broken man by trying to make him feel better if really, there isn't anything that could make him feel like life is worth living.

You can't fix people like me Dase. 

The ones that are dead inside and only wait to die again, so they can be buried deep under all the gods and under all those who never really cared. 

All I really do is wait for time to pass and wait for life to finally end for real because my world has left the second that you did. 

I don't live anymore Dase, I exist. 

I don't really know what else to say, maybe I should say good bye to you now, maybe I should say see you later. 

I feel like ending this suffering will make things better, maybe jumping or cutting is the way I handle things. Maybe whatever there is above us, wants me to stop. To stop breathing and to stop seeing, to stop walking and talking. Maybe whatever took you away from me, wants me to finally get back to you. Maybe now is the right time to finally end this hell of a circle. 

So before I will be gone, I want to tell you something very important Daisy. I feel like this is the right time to say thank you again, also it is the right time to apologize for never being good enough for you. I want to say sorry for not kissing you every spare second, because maybe we will kiss each other up there again, maybe we won't. So I just wanna say sorry. Sorry for being a fuck up and sorry for having flaws, you deserved better than me and I'm sorry I couldn't be the type of person that you would have had a better time with. 

I am sorry for falling asleep while you still wanted to talk and I'm sorry for not giving you all you ever wanted. I am sorry for everything and even sorry for myself. 

Since you died I haven't had the strength to really forgive myself. Maybe that's the reason why I still am so attached to you, as if there was something that is holding us together, and it's slowly tearing apart, and soon it will be two parts that have been divided. So better end this torture now instead of waiting until everything is too late. 

So , thank you Daisy, thank you so much and bye for now. 

-

dum dum dum

i am so sorry for not updating in ages, i hope you enjoyed this tho.