hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 41

vote and comment please :))

songs:

demons - imagine dragons

hot hands - Darius

team - lorde

buzzcut - lorde

Dear Daisy,

It's been a few days since I wrote you the last time. Today is the  twenty first. You are officially dead since six months. Does not even feel like six months, it does  not feel like more or less either. It does not feel like anything really. 

I remember yesterday six months ago, it was a very nice day for the two of us, we had great sex and I remember telling you that I loved you several time. I always told you that I loved you but I remember especially meaning it on that day. 

I remember being so very grateful for everything, for all the joy and all the love you brought into my life. You said that you loved me very much, even more than I loved you. Little did I know that you were wrong. I will always love you more than you loved me. Always Dase. 

I wish I knew that you would die the next day, I wish I could have been prepared for it. There would be so much that I wanted to do with you before you left. It's like getting cut off in the middle of the sentence. I haven't finished my phrase, but you are already gone. You will never hear the end of it, and I will never be able to finish my sentence, because I wouldn't want to tell it to someone that is not you. What would be the point? It would be like talking to a wall, I am not interested in walls. 

It is seven in the morning right now, I am off to work in an hour. Later today I will visit your parents, your mother found something she wanted to show me. I do not know what it is, she said I have to come and look. 

Also, your father called me a few minutes ago, he asked if I was alright, he wanted to know what I am doing and told me to come not shaved this evening. 

Yes, I told your father, well actually he found out and then I explained it to him. I told him that those cuts were because I was so sad. 

He asked me why I would harm myself, how would it change anything about the situation. I told him that nothing changed, it just eases the pain. At first he did not understand, he wanted to know why I did not tell him that I still was so sad. He asked me if there is anything he could do for me, he wanted to help me and make me see that self harm is not a solution. 

Your father is a very great man, very wise and calm. If I had to choose one person to talk to for the rest of my life, I would choose him. Not only because he has the same pretty brown eyes like you, rather because those eyes hold so much emotion, so much pain, those eyes understand me, you know? He looks at me as if he looked at himself in another shape and size, he looks at me and says It's all going to be alright Harold, I know it will be alright, just wait. I will wait with you, son. That is why I love him so much. He feels me on such a personal level, it almost feels like he really genuinely cared for me, maybe he does. And I am so grateful to know him. 

Just as your mother, he calls everyday. He asks me how I am and what I am doing, I ask him the same, not to be polite. I actually want to know how he is doing, if he is alright, I also want to know what he is doing because your father is a person that I really care about. 

Anyway, I have not shaved yet, neither have I yesterday. I grew a little one-day beard, looks awful but that is how I avoid my problems. 

Your mum is going to cook today, she always does when they invite me, which I think is very nice of them. 

You know, two days ago your mother called me and asked me about my parents, if I have heard something, if they maybe have called. Of course I told her that they did not. It did surprise her a little I think. Me too to be really honest, I thought that we were over this 'let's ignore our son while he needs us the most' stage. We are not. 

But in a way, I understand them, I have always needed someone. My entire life was a complete mess until I met you, and now that you are gone, I really see how much you have helped me and how normal it seemed to me after a while. 

By helping I do not mean physically, I mean helping in the sentimental way. You were there for me and helped me overcome emotional hurdles. 

My parents never did. But that's okay I guess, now it's too late now anyway. 

I do not really know how to handle this situation with my parents, for instance my mother's birthday is coming up it is in about two weeks or so. I don't know if I should call. They did not call me either, I see no point in wasting my time, she wouldn't pick up anyway. 

Anyway Dase, I'm now going to take a shower and then I'm off to work, today as a big day, today I can prove myself that I am strong enough, I can show how much I can take in without breaking down. Today is a very hard day, and I certainly do not want to know how your parents must feel right now, it's so damn hard for all of us. 

It's been six months since we saw each other the last time. Six months is a great number of days, of weeks even. And I've been through all of them, with many breakdowns and many issues, but I have been through them and here I am, still crying and still with a aching heart. But I got used to the pain, at least I'm trying to. 

Now, I really got to go, have a great day up there, take care and think of me, maybe. 

I love you Daisy

-

6 months. 

poorly harry :(

anyway i hope you enjoyed this chapter, took me long enough.

ily all byebye

x olivia