hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 40

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Songs:

Nobody Compares - One Direction

Amsterdam - imagine dragons

Hero - a great big world

Dear Daisy,

Today is the seventeenth of May. It's been seven months since you died, well, almost seven months since the day of your death was the twenty first of November.

When I look back on those seven months, all I seem to see is me getting more anxious everyday, me feeling like a unloved piece of shit and me being so sad that I wanted to die several times.

Death is such a used word lately, you are dead and someday all of us will be too. We will be as dead as you are right now and we will be sleeping forever while everyone who ever loved us will cry their hearts out. That's how it is Daisy, that is life.

I remember kissing you on the nineteenth and thinking that I will also be kissing you on the twenty second. I thought that I will be kissing you for my entire life and even longer.

Remember last year at about the same time? We were sitting in my parents garden. They were probably just in the kitchen pretending to be busy so they wouldn't have to start any kind of conversation with us. But we did not care at all, we never really cared when we were together. We talking while sitting on the green grass, Buster next to us. Buster always used to bark so loud that even the neighbors heard him.

I haven't seen this dog in a long, long time. I don't even know if he's still alive, he is an old dog, maybe he is dead too.

God, I sound like I blame you. I do not blame you for anything. It's not your fault that you died. Neither is it your fault that I got so sad and lonely. Lord, Daisy, how am I supposed to tell you this.. I did it again. I shaved yesterday and without wanting it I cut my cheek again. I thought that it was nothing but when I looked at the blood and when I noticed how similar this scenario looked to one a few months ago, I had to cry, I couldn't hold it back any longer.

So when I finally stopped crying I took my razor again and cut on my left upper arm. It's just a little tiny scar, you wouldn't even notice it when walking past me. I had to, I somehow felt so obliged to stay true to myself that I had to hurt me in order to keep me from crying.

I do not want to cry anymore, I do not want to feel this pain your loss causes me everyday. I have enough of this constant fight against myself, it's a game I won't ever win, I couldn't actually. If I am fighting me and I win, I lose on the other side, and as everyone knows, sadness is stronger than happiness, that's why we get sadder and not happier.

Daisy, I have been lying to you about something, I never mentioned that I was crying so much lately. I thought after my last real breakdown a few months ago, I would be healed, I thought that there were no more tears to shed,also did I think that now is a new beginning, my new flat should be this extra push to finally start an absolutely different and new life. But as new and as different I want this life to be, I will stay the same, I will stay the same old sad Harry that I am. I will always look at me in the mirror and think of how much of a disappointment I am. I will think of how many people would be better off without me and how much weight I must be. I am a lot to bear Dase, your parents do not have it easy with me. They are the nicest people that I know, they are here for me, just like Dan is. I really do not know what and where I would be without them.

Daisy, I know you do not understand any of this, it must be new to you, all this sad and dark lifestyle. We never lived like this, because the two of us, you know me and you, we actually lived. We didn't survive, we didn't only exist. We lived Dase. That's why this must be very disturbing and inappropriate in your eyes, but your eyes are dead, maybe they see things differently now. I don't even know.

I wish I knew though, I wish I somehow had this view on life that I could actually answer all of these questions in my head. But somewhere along the way I must have lost this view, it was at the time that I lost you.

Everything I write down is utter rubbish. I bet you do not even understand half of what I'm saying. But then again, neither do I, so really, it doesn't even matter.

I just want you to know, that no matter how bad I am, no matter how low I get, I will not go back. You know what I mean by 'back', don't you, Dase? I mean back to the time when I was half dead, the time when my heart was so broken that I could barely feel the blood circulating in my body. This time, the dark time.

But on the bright side, I kind of recovered from last night. I took a deep breath before going to bed, I drank at least five glasses of water and lay there, with me eyes open. I looked at the ceiling, wishing you could look at it too. I thought that this was just a stupid mishap, I thought that I could make it up very easily by writing you. I thought that when I confessed it to you, it would not feel so bad anymore. I believed that today would be better.

I was wrong, I still feel horrible and I still crave this feeling of the razor entering in my skin, leaving a beautiful scar on my upper arm, I crave wishing the blood away and thinking of how you would kiss it good if you would be here.

My problem is that I wish and dream like a poor child on Christmas. I believe that somehow you actually hear what I have to say and feel how bad I am.

I always wish for you to do things I know you couldn't . That's my problem.

You.

You are my problem Dase, you make me go crazy and I fall in love with you more and more each day, but by now I am wondering how this could possibly even be, because little do I know, that you are not coming back, and someday I will have to accept the fact that you won't kiss my scars away, you can't do anything, but in my heart you stay.

I love you Daisy

-

The end rimed (kind of) :)))

Ily all :)

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