hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 44

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Songs:

You and I - One direction

hot hands - darius

all of me - john legend

Dear Daisy,

I know what you're thinking. I know that after six months I should have gotten over the stage where I think about suicide. I know that it was wrong and I won't try it again, the odds are certainly not on my side, there's something wrong about the way life wants me to be.

I also am very mad at your dad, he wrote you, with my pen and with my paper, he began with Dear Daisy and told you that he loved you. I know he does, he definitely loves you. But I don't like the idea of other people loving you Dase, you're mine, only I love you.

I'm currently still at the goddamned hospital. If your father wouldn't have shown up, I would be with you now. I would have ended our tragic love story at the forty second letter and everything would have been fine. We would have had the end that we deserve.

But your father found me. He also helped me in a situation I didn't want any help. I didn't want anyone to find me and save me from myself. I don't need a hero that saved a life that doesn't want to be lived. Dase, you have no idea how hard I fight against myself everyday, I live in a body that should be long buried next to yours, I can't stand looking in the mirror and I can't help it but hate me, I hate myself so dearly and so full of anger that I wish I would die in the most hurtful and long way. I deserve so much worse than I have and I wish I could just close my eyes and never open them again.

Daisy, I'm depressed, and I'm so lost in a world that doesn't exist and somewhere along the way I must have dropped the key to the exit because I'm stuck in hell. My wold is hell and the devil lives inside of me.

Please, don't be scared Dase, I will be okay one day. One day when I hear your name I will think of the flower and not of you. I will think of a pretty scent and about sunshine. One day you will be a fading memory, Dase. Nothing else.

But until then I will have to keep fighting and to keep my head up, full of pride to have known you and when someone will ask me how I'm doing, I will say I'm okay because okay isn't specific. You can't define okay. I can be okay bad and okay good. I also can be okay I just want to die. Because okay was made for people who don't know how to feel and who lost all sense of life.

Everyone who says they are okay aren't actually okay, most of the time they're bruised inside and hurt. Their heart hurts and when they see themselves they cry. Those people say they're okay though, because people who aren't okay like to pretend they are. They like to smile to hide a desperate frown or even tears. People who say they're okay need help and they need a hand who will get them out of their okay and into good. Or very good. Maybe even fantastic.

Currently, I'm okay but soon I will be good. I'm optimistic Dase. Because there is no way out of life beside death so might as well just deal with the shit that bothers me. Might as well just get over you and might as well just smile so I don't have to cry.

Soon I will come out of the hospital, then I will go to your parents and explain everything. I will tell them how I feel and how I'm tired of being okay. I will tell them that I, in fact, do need their help and that I'm grateful. I also will tell your father that I'm mad at him for not letting me die and then I will thank him for saving my life. I'm not quite sure how I feel about anything at the moment.

My mind isn't clear enough and I haven't sorted all things out. Actually I haven't got a plan how to continue with my life from now on. I don't know anything really.

I guess I will wake up and make some tea. Then I will shower and brush my teeth and I will look at my razor and pretend we don't have a history. Then I will take it and shave, only shave. Then I will put the razor back in the drawer and not open it until the next day. After that, I will put some clothes on. I will take one of my thirty black shirts and a black jean, just because that's my comfort zone, the only thing that hasn't changed since you passed. So when I put my black outfit on I will open another drawer where I put all my headbands in. I will choose one and put it on, because I don't like my hair falling in my face.

When all this is done I'm gonna choose which of my three pair of boots I shall wear and put them on. But they're gonna be in the kitchen or in the living room because I'm not you and you always put them back in the entrance. Then I will be sad for a moment because I wish they would have been in the entrance. But then I will remember to smile to keep the tears from pouring down my cheeks. And then. I will leave and go out and put up with all the shit that is called life and I will have to keep conversations going and pretend I'm interested in other peoples lives. Even though, the only thing I'm interested in is you. And you will always be.

I love you Daisy

-

Sorry for the extra long wait.

I hope you like it though.

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