hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 28

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Songs:

Counting Stars - One Republic

Rolling In The Deep - Adele

Royals - Lorde

Dear Daisy,

I have a confession to make. I wanted to keep it to myself but somehow I feel obligated to tell you.

Today when I woke up, I wanted to make myself ready for the first meeting in Madrid. I went to the bathroom and decided to shave, just to look good in case people take pictures there. So I took my razor and without wanting it, I cut my cheek a little. It did hurt, it bleed a little but that's not my point.

What I want to say is that I felt just like about three months ago. I felt this pain that once filled me. I felt that special feeling of all your worries going away and coming back only seconds after. The feeling I had inside me for too long.

But Daisy, I didn't despise it. I didn't hate it. In that moment I didn't think of how much it hurts or to take a tissue. When I cut my cheek I felt like I've fallen back, the days where I didn't leave the flat nor did I eat. I didn't shower or changed clothes. Those days might be labelled as the dark days in my life, but in a way, I felt comfort while I cut.

I felt like this empty hole, that will be in me forever, is not as empty anymore. I know it sounds absolutely stupid and insane. But I like it. I like feeling pain, and when I feel it I don't try to stop it. I want to feel it, call me crazy, but feeling the pain from the outside lets the pain from the inside be less painful.

Dase, believe me when I'm saying that it was only one cut. It was only an accident with the razor. It's because I'm the clumsy Harry that I am. I didn't cut on purpose and I don't want to repeat the mistake.

I'm over hurting myself to feel whole. I'm over liking to feel the pain. I'm over crying and I'm over starving. I'm over sleepless nights and lonely days.

I'm a new Harry, the lad that has an amazing job, the one who's desperately looking for a new home. I'm the new Harry who has almost completed the 'new life' resolution. It does feel good to be this kind of Harry.

My inner wounds haven't completely healed yet, but I'm on my way. I'm on the way to happiness and guess what Dase. It feels better than the pain, so, so much better than crying and starving. It feels better than being weak and lonely.

I'm the new Harry and I'm here to find my way to happiness.

That's something I'd say if I had to present myself.

I don't know Dase. It feels so stupid not to be able to talk to you. I used to tell you things and you used to tell me things and we used to be happy about things. We did so much together and when I look back at the days, I don't wish to see you again, I don't crave to touch you or to kiss you. To be really honest the thing I want the most is to hear your voice.

I want to hear you saying Harry I'm home one more time. I want to hear you saying Harry wake up. I want to hear you laugh and hear you cry.

That's what I miss the most. Your voice. I miss you saying my name, because hearing it from your mouth made me feel so, so special. You always added my name at the end of a phrase. You never said something like how are you? You would always say how are you Harry?

You always made me feel so proud of my name.

Hell, I sound so pathetic, it almost hurts. I never used to be this sensible about so stupid little things, but now when I look back, those things brightened up my day. They made me feel a little less sad, a little less stupid and made me feel a little more loved.

Anyway Daisy, I'm over this, right? I'm over looking back in time and getting all emotional. I'm happy now, I smile and laugh on a daily basis and I think positive.

That's what I do. I'm happy. So happy that I sometimes cry.

It happens that I get too happy and start crying, and when I start crying, I think of life and suddenly every possible thing I could cry about comes to my mind. So I often find myself crying because poor children don't have a family.

Of course things closer to me are more often the main reason for my weakness, mostly I cry because of you and all the good things that come with you.

I cry because I don't have them anymore, I don't have you anymore.

So now you know why I cry. I cry for love.

Love that, unfortunately, isn't here anymore. It went with you.

So be careful Dase, keep our love safe. Take care of it and hold it tight. I don't want our love to die as well.

I love you Daisy

-

Awww sad chapter I know.

But life is very hard for little poor harry :(

Anyway, here the chapter I promised :) thank you for over 5.5k reads :) x