hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 14

Songs:

These Four Walls - Little Mix

Moments - One Direction

Don't Let Me Go - Harry Styles

Dear Daisy,

Yesterday was different. Not how I expected it to be at all. I thought I had to spend christmas alone in my bed, crying because you aren't here with me. But yesterday happened to be refreshing. I know, what I'm going to say sounds stupid and almost unbelievable but when you're in a phase of your life where you don't overthink your actions at all, sometimes things turn out to be very unusual.

Jake came. He knocked on our door, with a present in his hand. First I felt anger boiling in me and I swear if he wouldn't have hugged me in that moment I would have hit him so hard that he would still feel my fist in his stomach. Harry, I know I've been a shitty friend lately but I came to say sorry he said. He hugged me, not like a hey hug, more like a genuine hug, the type of hug that gives you comfort and lets a smile appear on your face. It was the first time in over a month that I actually felt comfortable. Jake knows me for years now and he has always been a good friend to me. What he did was horrible, not coming to the funeral, not checking on me, but at least he spent christmas with me. He looked at me and handed me a present. When I opened it, I noticed that he was staring at the scars, he looked disappointed, no pity or sadness, he just looked like he didn't expect to find scars all over my arms. I felt like I had to hide them but it was too late anyway, he saw them but didn't let a single tone fall from his lips. He didn't mention them at all. I was wondering how he feels about you being dead, I mean you two always got on quite well in my eyes. And I just found myself thinking about how he reacted when he found out that you died. Was he sad? Did he cry? Did he even care at all?

He said that I need to get out of my hole. That I can't continue avoiding people and stay in bed all day, he said I need to get in the city and have some fun. I appreciated it that he wants me to live my life the way I should but I just am not in the mood. I don't wanna get out and meet new people and go in a club on Christmas Day. Jake has always been like that, he parties all day and all night, he drinks and does drugs and has sex with ten different women in just a week. He doesn't respect women, he hits on them like they're some sort of whores. It always bothered me a little, but I was the same before we met. I was partying with him and I did land in the hospital several times because I drank too much. That was back in the days when I was my old me. Jake always tries to get that me back but I have changed, I'm not that guy that objectifies women anymore. I don't drink until I faint and I didn't do drugs since over a year. When we met I was willing to let that be my past and move on in life. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me, like everyone else was.

So Jake tried to convince me that going out is a good idea and that I need to have some fun. I told him that I don't want to, that I feel uncomfortable around people, that I will only be a bother, that people will give me strange looks, they will see the scars and my tired face, my tear swollen eyes, and my bony body. They will look just like everyone looked at me the past month. But he said that I will end up being depressive if I don't move on and get over your death. How the hell am I supposed to get over your death? I will not be able to move on until I finally join you. I won't be able to genuinely laugh until I'm with you again. I won't feel good about myself until you touch my scars and whisper something in my ear.

We've been through a lot, Daisy. You've put up with all the shit I've done, you never left, you were always there when I needed it and I know how disappointed you have to be now. I went out yesterday. Jake literally pulled me out of bed and dragged me out of our flat. We went to a bar next to his friends flat. He said there would be loads of nice people to hang out with. But that wasn't the case, they weren't nice at all. They laughed and were drunk and smoked fucking weed in front of a depressed man. One of the girls there just sat on my lap half naked, I immediately pushed her off me and left, Jake ran after me but I couldn't stay in there, I couldn't handle seeing those people making out and having fun while I'm here, again crying my fucking eyes out. Yesterday opened my eyes. I miss you so much Daisy, and this feeling grows day by day. I swear, not long until I'll be with you again.

I love you Daisy

Thank you all for reading! Wow over 1k reads :) thank you again and please let me know what you think.