hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 48

Dear Daisy,

It's been two days since I was at your grave. I think about it a lot. About how I felt, about how you were so near me and only inches away from touching me.

I think about how good I felt after the visit and how happy it made me. I'm still happy, Dase. I still smile when I think of the day and about how it changed everything for me.

I was at work yesterday, as well as today, in fact, I am writing this as I'm sat in front of my computer. Dan is next to me right now, I think he knows that I'm writing you, I think everybody knows. I'm not too good at hiding my smile while thinking of you.

Dase, I love you a lot and I miss you incredibly much and I wish you were by my side right now, but as much as I'd like to show you how much I'm grieving, I can not get that stupid smile from my lips. I can't stop thinking about our little talk at the cemetery and I can't help but think about how close we were.

I loved the visit and I thought about visiting you more often, actually I'm planning on visiting you every twenty-first in the month. Because you died on the twenty-first. I think it could be some nice kind of ritual, or tradition. I could come with your parents too, they want to visit you as much as I do.

When I came home from your parents two nights ago, I saw my boots in the kitchen and so I put them back in the entrance, then I sat down on the little wooden bench and laughed, I laughed so much that I felt tears streaming down my face. I laughed because I think I'm finally over it. I think I laughed because I have to make it up to all the crying.

So when I put my boots back and went in the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, I smiled and closed my eyes a little while. I closed them and smelled the fresh smell of my toothpaste. I inhaled deep and then exhaled deep, as if I was cleaning my inner body with a smell.

But the thing is, I think I did all those things, because I am over it. I do believe that I am healed, I'm not depressed or sad or crying. I am normal again.

I now learned to enjoy things again and to laugh because, why the hell not?

Why would you live after some stupid rules like grieving or being sad after a death? I can be happy too, I can miss you a lot and smile at the same time, that's how much I can.

So yesterday I invited Dan and his wife over, I cooked a nice meal and bought some decent wine, lit up a few candles and so we had a nice evening yesterday.

I told them about my visit and about how I talked to you for hours and hours and at the end Dan's wife had a few tears rolling down her cheeks. I think it's quite cute how she always tears up when someone tells an emotional story.

Anyway, Dan was being his usual supportive self and congratulated me for moving on. He hugged me tight and said that he was proud of me. He smiled at me and then they both left. It was around three in the morning when I finally cleaned everything up and went to bed.

I was quite exhausted from cooking and cleaning and all the things you always used to do when we had friends over. I never knew how much you actually did and how much effort you put in all the things.

Now, I wish I helped you a little more and I wish I would have put my shoes in the entrance myself or even put them off there in the first place.

But what's done is done and I will keep those things in mind for the future, who knows, Dase. Maybe one day I will fall in love again, surely not as deep as I fell for you but a decent depth.

Maybe I will even manage to have kids one day, even though I don't think I'm ready yet, also, I don't know who I would want to be the mother. You always were my ideal of the perfect wife and perfect mother. You did everything with such an ease that I thought you would also handle two kids or more.

I really don't want to think of my future, Daisy. I want to live life for the moment and focus on keeping up with myself. I want to make a lot of money and become truly, genuinely happy.

Until then, I have a lot of time. I can still make something out of my life, I can change things and I can start something new. I am still very young. Although it feels like I lived through hundred hells, I am now back in heaven level one.

And I'm slowly getting back to where I was with you, happy and united. Remember when we were in heaven level ten, or even higher? Well, that's where I want to get back to, and for once, I feel like I'm on the right path.

A path that leads to something good, and not something even worse than I was coming from. I feel like if I keep going in the direction that I'm headed to right now, I will eventually find my way back to heaven level ten.

Daisy, I hope you too, will find you way back to paradise, to a place that only the two of us got to experience. You will be happy again, maybe you'll find yourself a good friend up there, whom you can watch over me with.

Please keep watching over me Dase. I think it helps.

I love you Daisy

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