hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 23

Please vote&comment :)

Songs:

Little Me - Little Mix

Alive - Leona Lewis

Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

Angel - The XX

Dear Daisy,

Yesterday evening was quite fun, we talked about life, about how short it really is and how stupid we are working our asses off when we could just enjoy it.

Susan is a very wise woman, she told us about how many men she dated and how different every single one was.

She said each man was a total different caracter, one is full of positive energy, another one smiles through the pain, one didn't see the beautiful things of life and saw everything in black and white. 

There are so many different types of people and no matter how many you meet, each of them will be different to another. That's quite irritating, right?

We think there are the funny ones, the depressed ones, the smart ones...

But when you really think about it, there is so much more, like the old saying The happiest people are the most depressed, do you believe in it? 

Do you think that some people are that strong that they can hide being sad and deprssed, because I couldn't, I wasn't even able to fake a fucking smile, which really does not take a lot of effort to do. 

I think if I had to put myself in one of those categories I'd put myself in the weak one. I'm probably the perfect example for a weak person, I am so weak that I cant even make up my mind, I break each time I stand up, I always wanted to be the kind of boyfriend that would never let a tear leave his eyes, I wanted to be strong for you and give you my shoulder. But in fact I wasn't strong at all, I cried and I was always easy to get hurt. You often were the one to say you'll be fine Harry, but the truth is I wanted to tell you that it'll be fine, I wanted to hug you and tell you how much I love you and that you don't have to worry. 

And I think I know why, I finally found the reason to my weakness, after I left Susan's place, I thought about everything we talked about. I thought about our relationship and what made me so weak. 

I came to the conclusion that the reason why I am so weak is that I wasn't raised correctly, since the day I was born people told me that one day I'll take my dad's place and that I'll be the owner of a massive enterprise, they said that I'll have a lot of influence to people and that I'm gonna be a real man. 

But in fact I was a disappointment to my whole family, and everyone knew it. First they didnt want to accept that I don't like playing with fucking plastic cars, I didn't like dinosaurs and robots. I prefered reading and sitting in my room, thinking. 

I spent a year of my life getting noticed by a girl in primary school, I had a crush on her and sent her flowers, which is patethic but I read that in books, so I thought maybe it might help. 

My dad told me the only way to get noticed by a girl is to fight for her, I had to hit another guy to show her that in fact, I am stronger. But unfortunaly for my dad, I was weak. 

Yet another disappointment to my dad. He soon gave up on me, thinking that I would never achieve anything with my behavior, I was way too smooth and sensible, he always said. That a real man would never send a girl flowers.

But I did send her flowers and I did write her love letters, because back then, when I was barely seven years old, I thought that was the right thing to do, books told me that this is the key to get a girl.

And soon my parents stopped buying me books, they didn't want me to be so sensible. So at the age of thirteen I started hanging out with the tougher boys, the ones that would smoke in front of the school and skip classes. I hung out with them because I thought maybe my parents would be proud of me, being a real guy, beating up innocent people and doing things I would have considered as stupid before.

But all they did was ignoring me, they didn't look at me when I came home from school, they didn't even notice it when I was gone for two days. So I took advantage of that and went out, smoked and did drugs. One of my friends was a tattoo artist and opened up a new shop in the city. He said if we'd promote his shop and his work, we'll get free tattoos, and so I started getting tattoos. 

I got so many that I couldn't even tell you how many I have now. I thought maybe my parents will talk to me now, maybe they'll yell at me for ruining my life with the ink on my skin. All I wanted was getting noticed by them, I didn't care if they were mad at me, I wanted was a sign that they know they have a son. I was their son.

But they didn't, they couldn't care less if I'd come home at five am, they wouldn't cook for me, didn't show up at school shows and I think they haven't looked me in the eyes for a year straight. 

I wanted to know what I've done that they hate me so  much, all of my friends had normal parents, they forgave them when they made a mistake, they told them they loved them every once in a while. Unlike mine, my parents were different, they hated me and I knew they did, they have since I was ten and they still haven't forgiven me for any possible thing I've done. 

I still think I'm a shame for the family, that the only reason I never met my aunts or my uncles was because my parents were ashamed to show me, they were disappointed that I didn't turn out the way they wanted me to. But I can't change, I am who I am. 

I tried to be another person for more than the half of my life, I tried to make my parents proud, I tried Daisy, really. But sometimes it seems like I can't get anything right.

But to be really honest, I don't care anymore, now that I know who I am, I don't want to change.

I want to stay the weak, tattooed Harry I am, I like reading, if you think it's cool or not. I like being alone at times and I like to cry. Sometimes I cry without a valid reason, and I couldn't care less about what my parents think of me right now. 

I like to be in love with someone I know I'll never see again, I enjoy having this feeling of love, the one I only felt when I looked at you. You got me out of this, you're the reason why I found myself, I'm me because you did that to me. 

It is what it is Dase.

I love you Daisy

(hey thank you for 4.7k reads! Please vote and comment :) btw follow me on ask.fm @dreamy_styles and on twitter @xperfection1d :) x