josh and i were sitting across from each other, eating dinner at some restaurant he insisted on taking me to, and i felt eyes burning into me. i glanced up, and saw a tiny bit of josh. his head seemed to be tilted up, not staring at his lap as he was before. it was comfortable, me staring at my folded hands and his staring at his lap. but.. it was uncomfortable at the same time.
when i looked up, he was giving me that stare. that famous, brain melting stare. his stare was so powerful; i was basically a puddle in my shoes in front of him. that stare, with his big eyes and straight face, it wasn't fair how much control he had over me.
"what?" i giggled quietly, fidgeting in my seat to get his stare off of me.
"you're just so..." he sighed, leaning his chin on his hand, his elbow resting on the table as he just stared at me. "gorgeous."
"stop it." my face flushed and i looked down at my hands, a sheepish smile stuck on my face.
"never. not even when i die." her reached over the table and grabbed my hand, holding it over the table.
"you're making me blush, josh." i whispered yet again, trying to hide the redness of my cheeks as much as possible.
"i know, and it's adorable." josh hooked his finger under my chin and lifted up my head, and i was wondering how his hand didn't burn off my face was so hot.
"so... valentine's day is coming up..." josh's voice trailed off, making me somewhat nervous.
"and?" i raised my eyebrows at him, seemingly making him more nervous. i immediately felt bad, so i gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.
"i was thinking and stuff... i want you to meet me on the roof of that building down on 5th. y'know? the tall one?" josh kept up that stare, making it impossible for me to say no.
"aw, josh, that's adorable." i reached over the table and pinched his cheek.
"i'm serious." he chuckled and took my hand away from his face. "so... will ya meet me?" his voice was sing song-y, and it was so cute i was probably turning from a puddle in my shoes to vapor.
"okay," i fake sighed. "i'll do it."
"yes!" he announced in victory.
"you big dork." i chuckled, and we took our hands apart as the food arrived.
you see, i still have my problem. i know it's a problem now, though. i've been trying, really hard, not to look at those pro-ana websites. i really have. but recently, since i've been with josh, i've just had this urge to go back.
those sites, they're like a drug. i try, and i try to stay away, but then i feel like shit, and i'm bored, so i go back. and i hate myself when i go back because i want to change. for josh.
but, there were only two people who knew about my problem. one, daisy. and two, tyler. daisy is with her boyfriend all the time now and only comes around to pitch in with rent, so i only had one choice.
tyler. i had to tell him. he'd probably forgotten, though. it's been 4 years for fuck's sake; you'd think i'd be over this childish shit.
i took a deep breath and looked down at the plate of food. josh didn't know it, but it hurt to swallow every bite i took. i hid it, though, and that was the most painful part.
immediatley after i got home, i said my goodbyes to josh, then ran inside my house and puked. it was involuntary; my stomach was so weak i couldn't take that much.
immediately after i finished puking, i felt aimlessly around the counter for my phone. i pressed the cold glass against my ear as i bit my nails.
"hello?" tyler answered calmly.
"hey ty, are you busy right now?" i asked as calmly as i could.
"uh, not really. why?" good, he's free.
"okay, so uh, i- i have this thing, and- could you just come over? not right now fo course, whenever is best for you-"
"ash." he interrupted. "it's fine, i'm bored anyways. is now okay with you?" tyler asked. relief filled my being, and i sighed.
"that'd- that'd be perfect. thank you, seriously."
"anytime sista." he said in a funny voice, making me chuckle. we said our goodbyes, and he was on his way. thank god.
he was here in a matter of minutes, though it seemed like hours of me just chewing my nails in anticipation. i opened the front door for him and invited him in.
"so... i was summoned." he sat on the couch as i sat in a chair across from him.
"yeah... uh- remember the little thing i told you about? well, i didn't mean to tell you about it, you just kind of found out-"
"yes, i remember." i was so grateful tyler kept interrupting me, and that is sincere and sarcastic at the same time.
"yeah... well, i've been trying to stay away but... actually, nevermind. it's stupid; i'm okay. sorry for wasting your time." i got up from the chair quickly, my mind going a million times a minute.
"no. no no no no no. ashlynn, get back here." tyler practically chased me down the hall, then grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me to face him.
"you still... look at those sites?" tyler's eyes bared my soul.
"i don't frequent them... i just... peek." i said sheepishly, avoiding him burning gaze.
"ashlynn... i thought you were over that stuff... i figured it was a phase..." tyler whispered in disbelief. that seemed to push me over the edge.
"a phase? a fucking phase? yes tyler, me purging after every meal and almost dying from a fucking eating disorder was 'just a phase.'" i stopped myself before yelling anymore. never in my life had i called my 'little problem' an eating disorder.
tyler seemed shocked by my words; his mouth was agape; his eyes were wide, he was so shocked.
"ashlynn, calm down-"
"calm down? calm fucking down? i just entirely fucking realized i'm mentally unstable, and you're telling me to calm down?" i realized his hands still had a firm grip on my shoulders, and i suddenly felt trapped. "get your fucking hands off of me!" i shouted.
"i'm sorry for wasting your time, but i'm gonna go now..." i stumbled backward, pointing at the door. i was a mess. it's not every day you have such an impacting realization.
i heard the faint yells of tyler trying to get to me, but i was already on the elevator, and the doors closed before he got to me, thankfully.
now, just to run.
i'll be back once i realize some things i don't quite know yet, but i'll be back.
eventually.
|-/ |-/ |-/ |-/ |-/ |-/
a/n: *changes plot x327482395072395 times*
also whoops no smut srry m8s.
