so to be honest i have little to no inspiration for this book anymore. like don't get me wrong i absolutely love the boys, but i feel like this is an absolute train wreck of a book, and i can't fix it unless i devote an entire month or more to it, which I'm not willing to do. there are so many faults and plot holes and weird twists that i put in on whim, and it's just too much. this was my first ever piece of real writing, so i won't take it down, but i don't think i'll be putting out chapters anymore. if i do, then they'll be very short and fast paced, since i do still have ideas for this. i've had this whole timeline planned from the beginning where ashlynn builds this relationship then dies, and a new mystery girl comes in, theres this madly insane antagonist, and theres so much more i had planned. if you wanna hear what was supposed to happen ill tell you in pm, but for everybody else, you can just let your imagination run it i guess.
i realized a long time ago i was way to attached to this book. i still am. it's a part of me now, and it always will i think. eighty something chapters of just raw idea that i put in without thinking of a coherent storyline, and not to mention it's a representation of how my writing had evolved. i may write another story, i don't know.
i also feel that i portrayed josh completely incorrectly in this, and i realized while writing this that i'd honestly like it so much better if it wasn't josh. i love him, i've made that clear, but i've realized i love the idea of him. i don't love him, cause i honestly don't know him. i don't even think loving the idea of him is accurate enough for me, i don't know. through the few years i've been writing this i've thought i've known how to write as him, but i honestly can't. like, he did karaoke to all star. i never wrote him to be that guy in this. like don't hate me for this but i think i wouldn't like josh if i met him and got to know him. he seem like one of those 40 year olds trying so desperately to be hip and cool, but not in a funny dad way, in a sad grasping on to whatever is left from their 20s way. like debby, you'll see all over her stories and stuff trends that were popular like AWHILE ago and minion memes and her trying so hard to be artsy and aesthetic and take good selfies and just "relatable" and post a pic of her running and have the caption "i run now apparently" like its a genius and funny caption. idk if that makes any sense, oof. in summary, i just feel like my perception of josh has been totally skewed and i can't write as him or write for him anymore.
the hiatus was a big factor in this decision as well, since without content coming out with him in it was so scarce it was like i had no fuel to go off of. the few chapters that went up during the hiatus were most likely when a new picture of him came up. i feel that if the hiatus hadn't happened, maybe this would still go on.
and on a final note, i've realized i don't want this to end. like, i have this giant ending planned that is either happy or sad depending on what if eel in the moment, and i just can't bring myself to write towards it. i've written so many filler chapters, it's honestly annoying. this whole christmas thing, it was just supposed to build their relationship and now i want to move onto the next idea but i have no idea how to. i can't just write an action packed chapter, cause that'll be too fast for me. if i don't have anything to write like with this i'll honestly get so anxious about it, and that sounds dumb but i will. like if this ends and i remember to write a chapter and i realize it's over, i'll honestly have an anxiety attack. this is such a HUGE part of my life and probably my biggest achievement to date to have so many reads on this, and i feel awful letting people down, and wow i'm crying now.
i have a list of things and ideas on my computer for this book, but there is one thing in specific i had been planning for the end of this story. there may be more chapters to wrap it up if i feel motivated enough, but probably not. so, as i intended since the very prologue of this story, i've wanted to end this story mid sentence. right in the middle of a word. as a metaphor. not everything can end with a full stop, not everything can end with a nice period at the end, not everything can end on a nice complete word or thought. not everything can have that closure we all so desperately need. so i need to end this like that. if i ended this normally with a bunch of mediocre written chapters messily sprawled with ideas i've had in my head, i'd get absolutely no closure. when i started this i was so set in how i was going to write this and that it'd be perfect, that there is absolutely no way i can carry out those ideas in a way i'd be satisfied with. so, to end it once and for all. if i don't talk to you again, thank you.
thanks for sticking around, for reading, the comments, for voting, fo
