my fingers tapped nervously on the arm rest of the chair i was sitting in, trying to formulate one sentence that would perfectly sum up all of the reasons i have my 'problem.'
"so um..." my voice trailed, trying desperately to fill the pressuring silence. i could feel tyler's eyes boring holes into me, just waiting.
"you don't have to be nervous, just let it out." tyler encouraged. his encouragement were in good mind, but they did the opposite of what he expected.
"alright," i started, "bare in mind i was and still am an idiot." i warned jokingly, trying to lighten the mood. obviously, the wrong time to do so, it was more of a desperate attempt to get him to shoot a joke back and the subject would be changed.
"yes, that's true," he replied truthfully. normally, i'd gasp in offense or something, but i knew he was just being blatantly honest. i cleared my throat and sat on the edge of the chair, folding my hand sin my lap and staring at them as i played around with my knuckles.
"i guess it started in junior high..." i chuckled at the memories of junior high and stupid i was in all the years from 6th grade to 12th. i regained myself, however, i knew i had to tell sooner or later.
"everyone in school started growing up, getting prettier, skinnier, getting... adult-er..." i was hoping he caught my drift, because i was not ready to talk about my, at the time, 13-year-old colleagues boobs.
"yeah... and i, of course, was going through that too, and i realized i wasn't getting prettier or skinnier like everyone else, i was just getting shorter and fatter. so, i let myself go, i guess. well, as much as a 13-year-old can let them go. i just ate what i wanted when i wanted and didn't give any fucks. it got out of hand, and for most of my childhood, i was obese. my doctor would always tell me to 'try to lose some weight before the next visit,' but i'd just ignore him and go on with my life as normal. though, my normal was obviously seriously corrupted." i chuckled remembering the 'struggles of fat,' as i would call it. i was pathetic. still am, to be honest.
"so you didn't care? so why didn't you just stay-"
"i'm getting there." i cut tyler off. "anyway, about halfway through freshman, this boy asked me out for the first time. i was so excited, i got so dressed up and everything. i should have known that he would never ask me out, because outside on the porch after i heard the doorbell was not the boy who had asked me out, it was a sex doll. a fucking sex doll, tyler." i chuckled bitterly, looking up and expecting him to laugh his ass off. websites sat there, stone faced, listening intently. my small bitter smile dropped at his expression.
"go on." tyler urged, not a hint of laughter in his voice.
"okay... um... i figured out that the whole date was a prank and went off on a rampage, cursing out my parents a-a-and my whole family and i just locked myself in my room," i felt guilty, of course, i did. everyday i feel guilty for being such a naive bitch, but actions have tolls. i'm a living example. "so i started eating less to get them to stop messing with me, and when that didn't work, i started working out along with starving myself. then i found out about the websites a few years later. but i did have a brain, i knew i was wrong for going by these websites, but i just couldn't stop. then, we come to today." i gestured to the room around us in a small circle, letting out a breath. it was hard to admit to these things, especially when you have convinced yourself that there is nothing to tell, and you're 'problem' just appeared.
tyler's smile was incredibly big, ear to ear. his eyes squinted, almost resembling josh's when he smiles.
"yes... yes! that's amazing, ash!" tyler jumped up from the couch and engulfed me in a hug. he spun me around in the air, circle, and circles of our happiness. i was so thankful to have a friend like tyler, i don't know if i'll ever recover without his help. if i do actually recover.
