The Chase ▹ Ashton Irwin

CHAPTER NINETY

The thing about pain, is that sometimes, you don't feel a thing. Sure, you could trip and fall and maybe scrape your knees a little... but how could I ever imagine a scratch or bruise as the only form of pain a person could have?

Pain, along with many other things, is just another form of sadness. Another form of loneliness and regret that makes a person just want to scream. Or maybe those are all just forms of pain? I've been wanting to scream for a very long time, and I think tonight was finally the night I did. I said things I never would have even imagined myself saying, and now that it seemed to be over, my guilt was only starting to grow.

Yeah, guilt. I guess that's another way to think of pain, isn't it? I'm not sure what exactly I'm guilty for besides all the things I said tonight, but I could tell there were so many other things about me that make my heart ache.

That thing... you know, about pain, that I said earlier? About how sometimes a person can't feel a thing? They can get trapped in so many emotions at once that their pathetic selves can't even think of something to say. They can't... I couldn't even speak at this point, though it was only Ashton and I. The desert air was quite cold up here, as we both seemed to stare blankly at the city below us. It's been a while since either of us have been to this old, run down tower, but this was the only place I could think of to go and attempt to clear my mind.

After everything I just sat through, yelled through, cursed through, and cried through, I couldn't say a word. I didn't know what to say, to be honest. I was guilty, tired, and sad. I was sad.

And yeah, it was painful.

I just wanted to turn and face Ashton that stood next to me, and tell him how much I love him. As weird as it sounds to think of that after my whole family just fell apart... that's all I wanted to say to him. And not just love, either. I wanted to spin him around, cup his soft cheeks in my hands and tell him that I am literally in love with him, the boy who I have now seen shatter infront of me so many times. I couldn't even count the amount of times I've seen him in the state of mind that his life is hell; maybe more than 100, from what if felt like. I didn't care about those statistics though, because I know he's done the same with me.

I wonder what Ashton thought of all of this. But, I couldn't even imagine what must be going through his mind right now. After everything he said to both my parents and me... I could barely consider him the same boy as I did yesterday. I always knew he was a scared person... but now, I don't even know what to say to him, besides a) I love him, and b) that I'm sorry.

We stood there, in silence. It seemed to be the only option, as I stared at this city below me that I've really grown to hate. I watched as cars sped by, down busy streets, and neon billboards flashing on the side of the freeway. From there, my eyes traveled over to the more suburban areas of Las Vegas, where we had just ran from. It was a little darker and quieter over there; it was as if all the rich and stuck up people that lived over there thought they were too good to go out tonight. Then, my eyes wandered to the completely other side of the city. Lights were on, cars were speeding, and it looked alive. I looked at Michael's neighborhood, Calum's neighborhood, and even down by F Street. It was so much different from where I live, yet I thought it was so much better.

"This place is so fucked up, isn't it?" Ashton finally spoke up, which actually startled me that the silence was broken.

"Not every part of it..." I replied, my voice barely a whisper. As I spoke, my eyes wandered to where Ashton used to live. That gross little trailer, all by itself.

"A lot of it," he said. "Yet who can do anything about it?"

For some reason, my thoughts went to that one night Ashton and I went to those old train tracks. That night I had a little spit with my parents, and the night I had started to grow suspicious about them. It felt like so long ago, yet I could remember almost everything that Ashton had said to me. He told me I was just anxious... and I believed him... because that's the only thing we could both think of to make me feel better. Even though I had told myself I was just anxious, I knew I should have done something about my worries, instead of just letting it go and doing nothing about it. But now it's a little too late.