Unexpected Late Night

Joel.

I watch as Chloe sets up her camera across from us on the couch. We had wanted to do a sit down video of practically everything and anything. If our lives seemed private we might as well put everything out for everyone. Chloe and I had both suffered from mental health problems and I don't think many people realize that us, two athletes do suffer from mental health.

"Okay ready?"

"Wait, let me grab some OJ I'm thirsty"she rolls her eyes as I stand up and quickly pour myself from orange juice. I sit down beside her and she crosses her legs underneath her. She turns her body a bit to me and she grabs my hand.

I set my drink down on the coffee table in front of us "this is gonna look like break up video, but it isn't. We're engaged still chill"Chloe says randomly. I chuckle "I Uh don't know how to start"she looks at me.

"I guess what we wanted to give you guys was a truth into our lives"I shrug, she nods.

"We had been public people for mostly the whole year and I think with us two being engaged we didn't want any secrets with anyone" I squeeze her hand. "I guess what we're trying to us say that people don't think because we have this lifestyle and we have each other and so on, is that they don't think we feel the way we feel. And"

"You want to go first?" I ask. She nods with a shrug. I give her a smile and kiss her cheek.

"Joel had been very opened about his panic attacks this past year and I love and support him through it all, what people don't know is that Joel had been my emotional pillar as well"she sighs and I grab my drink.

"I had spent practically my whole life caring and thinking about others that I didn't realize until recently or until Joel even made me realize that I am human too"I set my drink down and stare at her. She was looking everywhere else but the camera or me.

"And that sucks to figure that out only recently. I've gone nineteen years putting all my love into others when self love should have happened before" I eye her. I remember her telling me this a few months back and it broke my heart "and the worse part about all of this is that you don't really realize how hard it is at like the age of nineteen or so and wake up every morning, look in the mirror and say yea it's a good day, or I love myself" she leans into me more "and just think like okay I love myself when you've spent years putting others before yourself" I nod.

"My love is not a a dead end when it comes to others but when it comes to myself I'm basically trapped in my own driveway. And being someone who's so competitive in ballet and wants to be the best I forget that I should put myself before others because I'm so determined to get higher on my toes, have the best posture and so forth. With my years of dance and school and graduating early and performances I hadn't realized how much of a huge weight I had placed on my own shoulders" she rubs her eye.

"My parents had always been keen on mental health because my siblings and I are all sporty. I hadn't taken them seriously all these years. I pushed myself so much to the extend that I can't find myself every morning. I can hardly look at myself and say I love who I am and that's just it"I squeeze her hand.

"But I um"she looks up at me and we chuckle "sorry jeez your face"I roll my eyes "I have been working on getting to that point of waking up every morning and trying to love myself and hell if it wasn't for this guy right"she pats my knee. "I don't know where I'd be in life. He was the one that had opened my eyes and made me realize that I had pushed myself to a certain extend and if I continued I would be letting myself down at this point" I smile and kiss her cheek.

"It hurts as a boyfriend or a fiancé to hear that she had been struggling especially with her crazy schedule. And it definitely sucks when she told me how she felt and I never dreamed of that for her just because she is caring and loving but self love is one of the most important things" she nods.