Melanie Ziegler || Dance Moms

Reflections

Every minute felt like an eternity, but obviously, I was only exaggerating, like always. I didn't want to look up, I didn't want to remember that I was on a freaking dark room, where no one could hear me. Is this one of the things that happen when kids are bullied at schools? But hey, I'm not at school, which makes it even worse. 

I didn't want to cry, that would just make me look weak, immature, a crybaby. I didn't want to scream, that would just make me an attention seeker. I wanted to call for help, but at the same time I didn't. Did I deserve to get help?

Looks like overthinking is finally catching up to me. All my random thoughts over the years finally come back at me, and it hurts.

Am I really worthless?

Am I really just the little sister?

Am I really an outcast?

Am I really nothing?

I never wanted to talk about my problems, I've just been taught to bottle up all my feelings, hiding my fears, hiding my sadness, hiding everything. I've been taught to save my tears for the pillow, I could never show my real emotions, I would be yelled at. I just wonder, is this all worth it? Is it worth to lose my childhood for a dream? A dream that it's not even mine anymore? Where did the joy for dancing go? Why does it all feel like a chore now? Why every single time I go out to that stage, I feel like I'm not enough, that I'm not trying my best, and that everyone is judging my every move.

Yes, obviously the judges need to judge, but everyone else. My friends, the moms, my sisters, my mom, Abby, the entire world. How did the world see me? I've been out there since I was four, did I ever stop to think what they all think of me? Should I care? I was taught to care, I was taught to be perfect, which is funny, because perfect doesn't really exist. It's just a extremely high standard that everyone dreams to reach someday, but no one ever does. It's just something that people will kill themselves for, not literally, but they'll push themselves to the limit to reach it. 

Can a four year old be perfect? No. Five? No. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten, every single one, no one can ever be perfect, but somehow, Abby still wants us to. What also sucks is the fact that until this year, Mom also wanted me to be perfect, and she would do everything that Abby told her to do, even if it meant degrading one daughter for the other one. 

I wonder, how is life outside of the dance floor? What do people do for fun? What do they do with their friends? Their families? The rest of the world? I've never experienced that. Come on, I've literally been dancing since birth, I've been at the ALDC since I was one and a half, I've never been able to live a normal life, and I'll probably never will. Everyone will always remember me as the girl from Dance Moms, the one who was a great actress, because she managed to hide her emotions from the rest of the world. 

You may be wondering, what's your dream now if you don't really like dance anymore? Acting. Just the ability to change from one personality to another one is absolutely amazing. Be in a world where everything is possible, where the only limits that exist are the ones you create. I adore it, I want to do it for a living. Not to hurt myself physically, mentally, and emotionally because of dance. I just want to try new things, but I don't have the heart to tell everyone about it. What if they hate me? What if they don't support me? Why do I overthink so much? I didn't ask for this.

If Mariella, someone that I've known for a long time, acts like that towards me, what am I showing to the world? Would they treat me like that too? Or would they treat me differently just because I'm the Melanie Ziegler. Or would they actually like me?

I've always been taught to fake a smile, but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to hold it in. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to act like a girl who has a perfect life. I'm breaking down, I feel like I can't do anything, but still, I need to be 'perfect'.

Did the contract say that? Did it say that I had to lose my childhood and happiness in order to get the money and fame?

Did it?

I sometimes wonder if the other girls feel the same. Does Maddie feel burnt out? Does Kenzie feel tired of being compared to Maddie? Does Nia feel bad about being the underdog? Does Kalani feel tired of being called a brat? Does JoJo feel tired of being told that she's immature? Does Kendall feel tired of being called a crybaby? Does Brynn feel tired of being attacked by the moms? Do they? Is this what the rest fo the girls, Chloe, Brooke, Paige, everyone else felt like? Why, after so long, am I feeling like this?

Is this just the world telling me to slow down?

Is this the world just telling me that my time on the show is over?

Is this the world telling me that I should move on?

Is this the world telling me that I should be happy?

I am happy, I just think about this over and over again. I'm happy for my family, I'm happy for my friends, I'm happy for my fans, but I hate the pressure, the pressure of being perfect, of being 'normal', of being the example to follow.

I want to be known as an actress, not as the little girl who cried hundreds of times on national TV, I want to be known as someone else besides myself. I want to show everyone that I can do this, I'm strong, I'm brave, I can do everything. I need to do this.

Without noticing, I had been crying for a while, I heard some yelling on the other side of the door. I quickly get up and start knocking on the door.

"I'm in here!" I yell as I hear the door open.

There they were, some security guards, some backstage and competition crew, and the moms.

"Mommy." I cry as I jump into Mom's arms, "I was scared."

"I know, baby."

"I just wanna go back home."

"Back home?"

"Back home at Pittsburgh."
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This chapter was way different than I first wanted it to be, but I like it. Because this is just a fictional character, she didn't go through all of this in real life. I basically wrote this thinking about the actual girls, the ones that had no idea of what the future held for them. Now, they're all pretty successful, but back then, they had no idea. This is basically what I think that they thought back on their Dance Moms days.

I know, it's probably a little bit sad, but in my opinion, what they all lived was pretty sad. They had no idea of what they were getting themselves into when they signed those contracts. After all, it was worth it, but they lost their childhoods for it.

Thanks for reading.