𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐳𝐚 𝟐𝟓𝟖 [𝐄𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧]

𝟏𝟔. 𝐒𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡

"Harry, come to eat, it's ready!"

"I'm not hungry, mum!" My mother sighed and closed the door and went back to the kitchen.

It had been since I returned the previous evening that I had been locked in my room listening to music. Every now and then my mum or even my stepfather would come and try to talk to me, but I did everything to deflect conversations.

They were convinced that this behaviour of mine was due to an aversion on my part towards them for forcing me to go to that college against my will, having given no thought that this confinement could be due to something else.

They never understood anything, they never had. Gemma had always been the perfect daughter, everything she said was sacrosanct, she was never wrong and was always right. She was perfect in everything, excellent grades in school, she didn't do drugs, she didn't smoke, she didn't drink except in toasts, she was educated and had a boyfriend of the kind parents like. My mother never missed an opportunity to tell me how perfect she was and to ask me why I couldn't be like her. Whatever I did was never enough. What did it matter if I'd gotten a B in school when she'd gotten A++? So in the end I stopped even trying, I decided to enjoy life, without worrying too much about school or that my parents had a good opinion of me. I became who I am now, for them I was just a lost cause. To try to straighten myself out they sent me to a strictly male college isolated from the world. I couldn't love and hate them more for that decision. Loving them... Well, for Louis and hating them... Well, for Louis.

That boy was putting me through Heaven and Hell. I couldn't figure out what he wanted or what he was thinking. When I kissed him that evening, I didn't quite know why I was doing it myself, perhaps it was the desperation of not being able to see him again for a while, fact is there was one thing I was sure, he would have rejected me and I would have had to come up with some silly excuse. Instead, against all my expectations he had reciprocated it and, indeed, it was he who kissed me again. I swear I've never been happier and all for just one kiss. Of course, it was the best kiss of my life and I had given kisses, but it was still just a kiss. And then the next morning poof! All my happiness and cheerfulness were gone with Louis. I tried to deceive myself that he had only gone to breakfast, but the fact that all his things were missing didn't allow me to feel calm. When I met Josh in the corridor, when asked if he knew where Louis was, he said he came by to say hello early in the morning, saying he'd be back in Doncaster a couple of days ahead of schedule. He added that it was quite strange and that he usually tried to spend as little time as possible there. When he asked me if I happened to know anything I stammered that I had no idea, before leaving as quickly as possible.

The little voice in my head kept telling me that maybe it wasn't my fault, that it wasn't because of that kiss he had gone away earlier, but deep down I didn't believe it either. Yeah, but fuck I couldn't even feel that guilty! It hadn't seemed to me that he'd been so disgusted with kissing me. And then I would have understood if he had told me it had all been a moment of weakness, that he was in shock and didn't understand what he was doing; I would have understood, really. So why was he gone? Maybe he was ashamed? Probably, also because I too was ashamed to death. Yet I could not regret what I had done and I was sure that one way or another I would force Louis to forgive me. By now it had become essential for me and I didn't care if I had to beg him on my knees or if he would force me to be his slave, the important thing was to be close to him. We lived in the same room after all, he couldn't have ignored me forever, could he? He almost certainly just needed a break to think. Yes, but think about what? About how crazy I was? On the meaning of my gesture? What if he asked me? Oh god, I had to find an excuse, because I don't think the 'You know, I'm head over heels for you' was a viable option. I had to ask Niall, inventiveness was his forte, too bad I couldn't. I hadn't told him anything about the...kissing thing. Maybe because I still didn't believe it myself. I involuntarily pressed a hand over my lips and smiled. I still couldn't believe it. Had I actually kissed him? I was a bit sorry to keep Niall in the dark, after all he had become a kind of best friend. I have never confided so much in anyone.